My So-Called Love Life

Turning The Page

2011-08-09T22:58:00.001-04:00

Each relationship in one's life serves as a stepping stone to lessons learned, obstacles triumphed, existentence prevailing. But the ultimate test in a relationship isn't in fact the ability to communicate and articulate, but rather the limit to each individual's devotion, and testing the wills.

I must have been a sucker; thinking for nearly 4 years that he and I were destined in some time that wasn't precisely the present, but rather (hopefully) soon. Love never hit me as hard before. It used to just pass my by, barely grazing me but getting close enough to entice me to the idea, albeit feeble or not. I was always just on the precipice of something greater, willingly looking down at the peak at which I'd bask in the benevolance of this unfortunate love-high. They never really warn you not to get too close to the edge, though... Or you'll fall.

Much like relationships, seasons come and go just as easily; as time flows almost seamlessly. This season marks my move back to the promiseland that is Kansas City, particularly next week. To say that I am not excited to the point that I could almost puke, would be a grand understatement. I haven't seen my two bestest friends in ages, some 3-4 years rather, and I've been lost and miserable without them. It's kind of hard to make friends in other places when you've made quite frankly the best of friends you can make in two others. It's pointless to say I didn't try to, because I have tried befriending people... But it's just not the same. The whole process is a drag; getting to know them, accustoming yourself to their standards, knowing their ins and outs, and just getting them, and vice versa. It takes months, sometimes years to form that solid, nearly unbreakable bond with whom would no sooner become the most important person(s) in your life. I got a lucky break with my two. It was almost synergy from the start.

I'd be a liar if I withheld the sore truth that my venture back to where I consider home wasn't tinged with the notion that, it wouldn't just mark my reunion with my best friends, but somehow that 4 years of interloping foreplay with almost no end would finally become a reality with whom I thought might just be my soulmate. Colour me selfish, but I guess I wanted to have my cake and eat it, too. That is, of course, until he decided to tell me tonight that he'd met someone else.

Earthshattering doesn't cut it. And even now my heart still lingers in my throat suffocatingly. 4 years of battling the roughest of demons, soul-searching, improving ones self, planning this vision of a life to share with this person incessantly, just float on by into nothing at the arms of some stranger he'd only just met.

Life is full of surprises. Just when you think you'd figured it all out, WHAM! It pulls the rug from under you, tumbling you back to Square One. But as Ghandi once said; "Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it’s very important that you do it. Because nobody else will. Like when someone comes into your life and half of you says you’re nowhere near ready, but the other half says: make him yours forever." I aimed for forever. I guess it wasn't an option... But I see now more clearly than ever. I see that I am capable of abstaining and preserving my spiritual essence in the name of love. I see that I am capable of devotion with no end. I see now that I CAN love and exceed the limit of devotion the average human barely even touches. My heart may be shattered now, but I know now that my journey wasn't meant for that just yet. This is a journey for my self, and to reconnect with those who've really been there from the start.

I may hate you now, but I will more than likely thank you later; because at the end of the day, you showed me exactly who I wanted to be and exactly who I don't want to become.

White Flag

2011-06-22T17:30:00.002-04:00

I took a little visit back into the online publication of the Dictionary and came to find something quite amusing. It really got me thinking, "It's no wonder we've got it all wrong."

RELATIONSHIP /riˈlāSHənˌSHip/relationships, plural.
1. The way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected

Over the years I've constantly found my way of unwillingly encountering guys who are already in relationships, be it online, at the bars, etc. It always spun my head how the internet deviates people from traditional values and points their moral compass due south. I happen to frequent a couple of online "dating" sites with absolutely no agenda other than to see who or what is out there. I almost never actually meet anybody offline, and conversations I may or may not have, tend to fall short upon their breach of respect and courtesy, when they entertain the idea that a relatively harmless conversation can easily be turned into a transcript from a porno flick.
"You top or bottom?" ; "Wanna have some fun?" ; "I'm playing with my dick right now..."

I can't help but laugh at how broken of a record it can play it out to be with guys. It's always the same one track mindedness, always the same agenda, always the same god awful six-pack that--not matter how hard they try to sculpt it differently--is still a six pack, always the same bitching sob story of how they just got out of a relationship and don't want to jump right into one, or rather that they're IN a relationship and like to play on the side, whether or not the boyfriend is away. Oh god, and the penises... There's nothing ever new about those. It's true, when you've seen one, you've seen 'em all.

I'm truly starting to think I'm the only homosexual alive that actually believes that two men alike can be friends, and not have to fuck each other to determine that.

The only argument I have left in me anymore is that men, if you're in a relationship, value it. Do yourself a favor, deactivate your Grindr and A4A accounts until you're single (again). You can paint the picture how ever you want it with pretty words and even prettier pictures, and tell the whole world that the two of you are "happy" and "commited" but truth be told, I, along with half of the rest of the internet, see not only you, but your "boyfriend" on these sites everyday and you still have the nerve to call it a relationship? Just break up and spare yourselves the bullshit. And for the love of bob, stop tainting the true definition of commitment with your corrupt, tasteless, unethical approach.

Bad Blood

2011-06-22T17:30:00.001-04:00

We live in an age where two generally interested people get lost in the translations of their interests. Where one might hope to be asked what's on his mind, the other hopes you'll be the next one on his dick. Where one might hope to find intellectual stimulation, the other hopes you'll stimulate his anatomy. And where one hopes to find some form of emotional stability and connection, the other only hopes to connect his dick to your ass, or what have you. It's truly a shame the level of dignity people are so eager to give up all for the sake of gratification. Men are more quick to tell you they're horny, but ever so elusive to ask what's on your mind, or how you're feeling. We set the standards in our prerequisite quests to seize whatever emotion or notion we go through, but never justify those same standards with anything more than an interloping bland dignification that we're just human beings with needs. Whereas in a perfect world, I see those "needs" pertaining to activities more substantiated in less morale deviating behavior instincts, like a walk in the park, writing, laying out in the sun on the beach, visiting a boutique or an art exhibit, eating delicate foods and drinking fine wines. But in this not-so-perfect world, people are generally driven to the more selfish hand their moral compass points to; sex, partying, eluding emotional connection to satisfy sexual urges, denying friendship for a new sexual partner, closing their minds, spreading their legs and their moral disease.

It's really no wonder why there has been an epidemic of gay suicides lately, and I sincerely hate using that as an example. The new generations who are just now noticing or experiencing their sexuality are being misled into believing it's all about sex. What happens to those less adamant on sex, more dominant on getting to know a person newgens who just want to connect to another person? They're fed this image of what Gay existentialism is perceived by in the eyes of media and society, and taught to let go of the image they want for themselves and eventually just follow the stereotype and flavor of the month. Ergo, the result becomes a destructive shattered self-image and people generally begin to lose faith; not just in others but also in themselves.

I guess you can say I'm one of those guys. I've lost my faith gradually over the last year two.

I used to look up to and idolize interaction with other men, and considered it an art. I've always had this idea that each new person will bring something new to the table and leave some kind of imprint on my life, even if their presence was only temporary. I took each acquaintance and savored the experience, collected somewhat of a faux-memoir in whatever moment(s) might have been shared, platonic or not. Nowadays I find myself repulsed by the idea of interacting with anyone in any shape or form, because all you're left to wonder is, "Oh god, let's see what cheesy overused pick-up line this one will use." And more often than not, it's never any more than just 5 words... Want to have some fun?

I find it amazing how distorted the word "fun" has become in our lifestyles of choice. When I was a kid, and even up till this very day, I find myself defining fun to be harmless things, beaches, video games, museums, photography, writing, swimming in the ocean, camping, amusement parks. But I guess the irony is attempting to date in this post-modern gay community is quite the park of amusement. You've got your twinks, your jocks, your leatherdaddies and juiceheads, your barhoppers, club rockers, party monsters and sex slaves, your wannabe porn stars, and the even trashier so-called "escorts"; not to mention the exponential increase in tweaked out druggies who sell their bodies and souls for even the slightest fix, and anabolic steroid pumpin' gym junkies who let their napolean complexes get the best of them.

I find it amusing when anyone of any of these categories approaches me with their bland excuse for "fun" -- cuz frankly -- No. I don't want to have some of your "fun."

But maybe you should try some of mine, for a change.

They crucify Romantics, right?

2011-04-30T19:43:00.000-04:00

To my pleasant surprise, my pops told me of an event that occurred at his workplace the other night. He was never much of the open conversationalist that acknowledged my sexuality type.

At his restaurant the other night, there were two men having a nice delicate dinner together. After some time, one of the men eventually stood up beside the table and got down on his knee to propose to what would be his future spouse. And after the jaw-dropping public display of obviously more than affection for each other, in the form of a passionate kiss to seal the deal, everyone had gotten up to cheer them. This isn't a common occurrence you'd find in a 4-star restaurant, let alone anywhere in public.

Just hearing that coming from the words of my pops, with a smile on his face, uplifted what little hope I had buried deep down. To think there are people out there, gay even, who will go the distance to show his lover how much he means to him, and how much he wants to spend his life with him, rattled the cage that I had locked my inner subservient in; the silent slave to the idea of true romance and unconditional love. Maybe it rattled me, or maybe it caught me off guard, just as I was teetering on a very thin thread and a loss of hope for love in the gay world. But somehow I find myself refreshed and rather hopeful for my self.

Maybe it was a diamond in the rough, this incident, or a needle in the hay; or I could be playing my cynics card and pretending to basque in my belief that they'll probably not last for more than 2 months. But I'd be a liar if I said I'm not sitting here, sulking, wondering when something like that would happen for me.

Monogamy is a beautiful thing, whenever its elusive grasp is finally gripped. It's a shame so many men avoid it like a disease. Men revel as interlopes and writhe at the thought of being tied down with another person. Ironically enough, we tell ourselves at least once a day that it would be nice to settle down and fall in love, but when push comes to shove, we run in the other direction. We beg and plead, to whatever god we may not believe in, to help us through the assholes to get to the good guys; and when the good guy comes along, as rarely as it ever happens, we push them away when they start to get too close. Why is it that we can hope so much for something, but the minute it gets too close for comfort, we push it aside and chew up our words?

I'd like to think that in theory, men are born with a complex; one that nullifies their sense of security with other people. Naturally we have trust-issues with anyone intimately interested in us. Sure the sex can be great and bedroom antics can skyrocket to a borderline "match"; but as soon as opening up to that person on a level far more intimate than sex comes into play, we tick. This tick is more of a tourettes response to emotional inquity, and as a result, we indecently turn the tables on a person in an effort to push them away, without directly having to do so.

Too bad they can't prescribe us Haloperidol for our emotional tourette syndrome. But I guess for now, we can strap a rubber-band on and slap ourselves on the wrist whenever we might tick. Who knows what may come of a person we push away, for the sake of some proverbial trust-issue we pretend to have, to spare ourselves the trouble of getting it wrong.

Recessed

2011-04-28T18:38:00.000-04:00

If we’re born with the mission to leave a legacy behind in our lives, what’s left for the generations after us, if all we’re leaving them is a mess of an existentialist socialite bankruptcy?

We’re setting up for a recession far worse than our current economy; one that will deprive our next generation of any kind of moral compass. We’re so strung out and confined in the idea that, through all of our conquests, nothing matters more than getting our dicks wet.

As I see it, nobody cares to befriend anyone anymore if there’s no sex involved, and certainly no genuine interest in stimulation that goes beyond the precipes of physical, more intimate settings. We’re neglecting not only the expansion of the synapses our brains can uphold through the simple spark of courteous conversation, but also the emotional maturity and progression of connecting to another human being on a basis that isn’t governed by sex.

It’s both amusing and depressing in the same breath. Nobody will approach you on the streets just to causally chit-chat and make an acquaintance, or even a friend. And, of course, online? That’s a joke. The online social networking and dating sites don’t offer much of a support system for those who are genuinely interested in meeting other genuinely interested people. Internet dating is a masquerade that revels and basks in creating, or even unleashing, an alternative persona to glorify some sense of security. But often times that masque becomes a leading role. And often times people blur the lines between who they really are with who they want(ed) to be to other people. To our social demise, these internet "social networking" websites seem to only harbor sexual deviants who make it a point to base their lives on simply just that.

If sex sells as much as it does today, tomorrow for our new comers, what will be of the human race if we sulk and thrive in sexuality and not our sensuality? What will be for that poor adolescent, depraved at home, staring at his computer screen, hoping for interaction – contrary to the lack of courtesy and general interest from those around him in the flesh – when he’s got nothing left to rely on, as a result of detaching and becoming disinterested in the status-quo?

I’d like to play super-hero and tell a story of a boy who has lost his hope for socialism in our divided post-modern society, but I can only sing to that beat so many times. It’s up to us, the orderlies, to sanction what little bit of hope we have now because before we know it, tomorrow’s generation will be tainted before they even know it.

Existentialism on a Two-Way Street

2011-02-26T16:45:00.002-05:00

They say a relationship should be a two-way street; each partner should be entitled to their own voice to validate their stance in the relationship, which should sanction a firm line of communication -- and furthermore -- embody a distinctive comprehension they have for each other. But a two-way street goes hand-in-hand with each story having two sides to it; a parallel jurisdiction and a defining line that sets the two off in two seperate directions.

When you're stuck standing in the middle of that dividing line in the middle of a collision course, you're left with but a moment to accumulate your options. Do you cross? Do you stand there and wait for the crash? Do you step back and wait for another time to cross? A relationship is a two-way street, and much like a car accident; you know it's wrong to sit on the sidelines and watch, but can't help being intrigued to do exactly just that and find yourself consumed by the sight. Maybe this two-way street ideal we're taught about relationship really only suggests that each relationship is a crossing road. Often times you're meant to cross, but somewhere in between you get caught in the crash and become the victim of a human collision. And just like an accident, you exchange information(s) with them and leave the rest to insurance claims.

I guess in a sense the idea is that in life, you often find yourself at a crossroad and you have every intention to cross, but often get distracted by naive superficial things like men, or sex, or even dating and relationships. You bump, or crash in this case, into a person you couldn't keep your eyes off of to realize the accident was about to happen. And you're left with nothing but an intention. An intention to sanction this collision of human connection and try to make the best out of it; suddenly forgetting the track you were on and losing a sense of responsibility, au contrair to the self-sufficiency and stability you set yourself out for in the first place.

There's two sides to every story, in life, in law, and in love. But often times that two-way street becomes a one-way dark road when you crash and follow the wrong direction, in the form of a person sweeping you off your feet, albeit for the moment.

When it comes to relationships, where's the insurance policy to claim an accident of two people not meant to be?

Nothing but a Number

2011-02-20T01:00:00.001-05:00

I guess it's safe to say that, growing up, I've always had an interest in older guys when it came to dating. My first boyfriend, Jonathan, was 16 and I was 13. My first sexual experience, Joe, was 23 and I was 15. My first love, Jason, was 24 and I was 16. Ultimately the list goes on, ranging mostly from late 20's to mid, sometimes late 30's. I can't really pinpoint it from a perspective of my younger, more adolescent self... But in my prime, I guess you can say a lot had to do with safety.

Growing up, I was always one step ahead of the average kid my age; mentally, emotionally, and certainly when it came to my perspective on life. I'm not saying I never tried dating my own age or even younger, cause I definitely did. It was never interesting. I'm sure that is just my being the product of growing up too fast. Society's legislature suggests a timeframe in which you should live certain phases in your life; for instance by law, you're allowed into (most) a club at the age of 18, but only allowed to be served drinks at 21. And growing up, I was in those clubs partying it out from 15 and onward. I guess it gets to a point where you outlive your generation and slip right into the next.

When it came to dating in my own age-group, there just wasn't much of a spark. Those in their late teens barely have any sort of idea of what they want out of life, and are all about exploring and experiencing. Those in their early 20's are all about the partying, "living it up" and bar/club-hopping, sleeping with countless other persons and indefinitely never being interested in settling down. I guess I found the most comfort with those in the mid-to-late 20's age-group. There's something to be said for the age of 25 and up. You're fresh out of college, just started your booming career, have your priorities in order -- and furthermore -- have reached a point where settling down with another person just might be in the picture. At least that's how I've always imagined it.

Over the years I've wondered what the real reason(s) were behind dating older or younger than yourself. When they say "Age is just a number..." it's no joke. We are personafied and dignified by the direction our lives may be in the current; the past is never something to delve into or dwell over, and the future is something we create to supplement where we are in our present. I've gathered those who date younger are still in the phase, contrary to common denomination, they were in with those of that same age; while those who date older have surpassed the status-quo, and want more fundamental things that again, contrary to common beliefs, are what a person should want in life at that age. There's a lot to be said for yourself by the way you characterize and represent your values and principles, and even more to be said when you live your life defying your age; acting and doing things outside of the proverbial box those in your own generation are "supposed" to.

More than sure. I'm absolutely POSITIVE.

2011-01-17T17:19:00.000-05:00

Online dating has become the most core substratum of what makes gay men alike interact, and frankly quite the nuisance. Every profile almost always seem repetitive and mundane. Every one man is "Athletic" build but pictures show no evidence of such claims. Every other guy has an 8" to 9" penis, but contrary to again what pictures dictate, someone clearly never taught them how to measure their tool. Napolean Complexes have gone rampant in this divided little community of online players. But the most callous and seemingly injust detail I've grown to get sick of is when said person broadcasts his last STD testing date.

It never ceases to confuse me as to why that is even remotely relevant. Does it show that the person is concerned enough with themselves, and responsible enough, to take themselves to the local free clinic bi-monthly to test themselves? Does it say "Hey! Look at me! I'm an adult and look after myself?" A lot of the profiles you'll see on a gay "dating" website will almost always say when their last STD test was and "DD Free" -- which means "Drug and Disease Free." But riddle me this... Just as much as you expect others to assume that by listing your last STD testing date, you are subjectively inclined to be treated as "Negative"; would it be unwise to suggest that those same people who post their last STD testing date are also showing that they obviously must have put themselves at risk for STDs and HIV, by having unprotected sex just because two people meeting may say they are both Negative? Let's face it, kids... You're only fooling yourself in believing that just because you test negative, everything will be fine. And just because you tested negative, does NOT mean you should go ahead and have unprotected sex just because the other person claims they are negative, too. There are still other STDs out there that don't necessarily act on what's in your bloodstream, but rather certain bacterias that may invade your system.

My name is Mario Ion, and I am one year into being HIV Positive.

It's alarming how many gay dating websites have the HIV Status checkbox for "Negative," "Positive," "Don't know," or "Rather not say." but no checkboxes for all the other STDs out there... As if HIV is as bad as it gets. Here's a thought... Wear a rubber? You should look at everyone as if they too were positive and just wrap it up. Condoms go a long way, and pretty much EVISCERATE the potential to contract HIV. But I think the most preposterous thing I've come across in these gay dating websites are other HIV+ men who put "Anything Goes" as their answer for whether or not they practice safe sex. Two Positives don't make a Negative, and that only implicates your health more, as you may reinfect yourself and start the process over again on a more multiplied level(s).

There's no clichè sob story to feed you as to how I contracted it. I'm just the average young adult who makes stupid mistakes sometimes, and often gets lost in moments that seem to cloud my judgment or my sense of responsibility. And I've always been the monogamous relationship type of guy, whose only fault is that I trust people too easily and give them the benefit of the doubt. That said, yeah, I slipped -- I trusted someone I was with, and deal with the consequence of that mistake now. Though I wouldn't call it a consequence... It's really not as bad as people make it out to be.

TRUTH: You are more inclined to getting sick. HIV works against your immune system, so some key factors include: healthy diet; maintaining vitamins and minerals in your bloodstream; treating your body with respect, and by that I mean not binge drinking or taking commercial drugs "recreationally" or any type of selfish vice that may juxtapose your health.

TRUTH: You are the most contagious the first couple of months after contracting HIV; as the proteins reproduce and bind to your cells. But that doesn't suggest you're a walking timebomb. After some time, your body can and most likely will produce anti-bodies that may work with HIV. In most cases, patients don't even need medications to control the strains.

I myself am not on medications just yet because it wasn't suggested by my doctor. She said my levels are just fine and my diet is accomodating my body just right. Blood sugars, fat, cholesterol, vitamins, minerals, are all very good and my blood is apparently rich. And my Nutritionist suggested that if I keep this up, I may never even need the medications. I look at this virus as a god damned miracle. Before I had it, I was a naive child who'd do stupid shit; drink like crazy, do drugs, have sex all the time, barely even taking my vitamins and eating all sorts of junk food. Now? Now I'm treating myself and my body with respect.

Maybe if it was still 1970's, 80's, and even most of 90's, where there wasn't much knowledge of the virus and subsequently not enough proper care to provide it, it would be a big deal. But we are in 2011 now and frankly, HIV is nowhere near as bad as it used to be. You can live a healthy, long, normal life with it and in most cases not even really be affected by it; it's just there. Lingering. Controllable. Much like the average person with Diabetes can live a normal life, one with HIV can as well.

So with that said, I implore any HIV discriminating asshole to go ahead and educate yourself with it, and how it works. And please, stop discriminating us. You'd be surprised how easy it is to live with, and how much of a good guy you're missing out on all for the sake of some silly little mainstream status.

Times is Tough

2011-01-16T00:42:00.002-05:00

Did I leave an impression; the right one or the wrong one? Did I leave enough for him to be interested in? Does he like me? Better yet -- does he absolutely hate me? Why won't he answer? Why won't he reply? ... These are the questions that often plague our minds in the most common setting -- after a date. A date that can start from anything: a glance, a wink, a smile, a whisper, or a handshake. And it's these same questions that often leave us becoming our own worst enemies.

First impressions are always the ones that stick, no matter how hard you may try to redeem your mark. What you present to the table from the very start is exactly what they will always expect from you. Certain mannerisms, behaviours, certain tones and octave ranges often dictate the sincereity in your vocals; how well you maintain your physical appearance denotes how well you respect yourself. How mature or immature you come across signifies where you are in life, or in other cases what you've learned from it. It's ironic -- they say the small things in life are what add up to the bigger picture(s) -- yet the most commendable justifications are the bigger issues: Where you're from, what school you went to, working track records, income, self-sufficiency, goals, dreams, and all that stuff in between that cultivate the transcension from young adult to man.

To be successful in dating, to date, often means you yourself have to be successful, feet planted into the ground and all. People are generally afraid of becoming some parental figure in a relationship, and most of it stems from having to fend for themselves. There are two classes of people in this world: ones who made it and ones who are still trying to. Suffice to say in today's post-modern dating mecca, people are more quick to push you aside or shrug you off if you've followed a different renegade path than they're used to. Goals and motivations do play a big part in maintaining some appeal to another person in that respect, but get real: who ever really gives someone a chance unless they've made their marks in their lives?

If he's not calling you back, he has nothing to say to you. If he's not responding to your texts or emails, he doesn't know what to say. If he's giving you the cold shoulder treatment, yeah -- he isn't busy; he's just not interested.

We live in a new-aged shallow division of socialites. Ideals overpower wisdoms and standards beget morals; whereas fundamental emotional classifications graded by life experiences are either frowned upon or looked up to, depending on how well one maintains. But in our shallow little global gay community, it goes a lot further than that. Sex-Appeal begets idealism, while napolean complexes fueled by frequent gym-goers goes hand-in-hand with the fallacy of looking like you are in good condition -- when really -- you're not. And they say never judge a book by its cover... I can see why. We're so quick to mainstreamize our ideals with general concerns induced by media and public icons; yet we forget the ones we grew up believing and justifying.

Expectations are the mother of all pretenses we grow to experience in the dating era. And if you don't meet someone's expectations or ideals rather, there's no real chance for you to even GET the chance for you to make your mark. It's all gotta look flashy and nice up front and from the get-go, otherwise your chances are tethering the brink of flailing and wearing tenuously thin.

The Advice Column

2010-12-09T01:37:00.003-05:00

The next few excerpts are snippets of Q&A's from my currently running advice column game I'm playing on (sigh) FaceBook. Some short questions followed by longer detailed answers by yours truly. Enjoy :)

Q: Head games after a break up when both parties know they'll get back together. Who will break first?

A: There comes a time in any relationship where two people really start to reevaluate their positions in said relationship. Sometimes that spark dulls out or often times turns into a backdraft, and all that's left to do is extinguish it or let... it burn. It's usually a result of putting too much anticipation or expectation into the relationship before it ever really starts. Too much too soon, as it were.

We live in The City That Never Sleeps and more often than not, we're forced into following its naturally fast pace. That goes without saying that even relationships tend to suffer that same fast pace. We almost never follow the simple guidelines to dating; taking things slow, getting to know the person before jumping in the sheet, etc., because living in such the fast-pace environment we're taught to live in moments. Sometimes we're blinded by chemistry. Sometimes it tricks us or even makes us believe there isn't a fine line between Chemistry and Connection. When that happens, we take good sex and confuse it for substratum to love-making, which in turn -- brings our expectations up so high that we start planning for something that shouldn't or couldn't be in the first place. As a result this can often lead to a series of break-up-to-make-ups.

So what happens when you suffer the wrath of the Push-and-Pull with someone because of misplaced feelings or emotions? How do you ascertain whether or not breaking up was the right thing to do or if it's possible to maybe even rekindle the old flame that once burned so bright? In a battle of the heart's desire and the mind's logic, the safest bet would be to follow your heart, as your mind... often plays tricks on you.

Who says there has to be a wait? A lot of people, myself included, love a person who takes the initiative, yes? But what happens if that same person is also waiting for that same initiative? Fuck it. Make the move if your heart is telling y...ou to. Skip the wait time and take it right to the bank ;)

Of course, this time around there should be lessons learned to tread carefully with. Maybe relive the moments when the relationship was fresh, and do things differently. Go on the same first date, or 3 dates. Take things slow. Get re-acquainted with the person.

Love means not having to say you're sorry, right? Wrong. Maybe you can start it off, apologize on your behalf, and an apology on theirs will follow. The one thing many relationships fail to simulate is Communication. Without it, we're lost in translation, and stuck in moments like these ;)

Q: I feel like my past issues are affecting my my relationships, I've become overwhelmed. How can I gain control back and just relax and have fun with love? How do you "let go" of past issues? Its easier said than done.

A: In an age where we're taught to take our past as a stepping-stone to our future; it's no surprise when the past becomes the reason you can't move on into your future. Initially it's said that the past is for learning lessons; the present is... for shaping up your future; and the future is for living out your dreams. But often times the past can be the thing that haunts our present, keeping us from our future.

Trauma (plurals: traumata, traumas) can represent:
Etymology
From Greek τρaυμα = "a wound", compare verb τιτρώσκω (stem τρω-) = "I injure"
injury: any physical damage to the body caused by violence or accident or fracture etc. an emotional wound or shock often having long-lasting effects.

Psychological trauma is a type of damage to the psyche that occurs as a result of a traumatic event. When that trauma leads to posttraumatic stress disorder, damage may involve physical changes inside the brain and to brain chemistry, which damage the person's ability to adequately cope with stress.

That said, any physically or in this case emotionally taxing event that may have incurred in one's life, often has a high rate of lingering around for years on end; haunting and reminding you of such event(s); and often times may cause relapse(s) in the sense of falling into the same old habits. The most asked question for these kinds of ordeals is "How do I get out?" or rather "How do I let go?" Simply put: Time heals all wounds. Just as much as time should eradicate any intense situations or problems. The most one can do is cut ties to anyone or anything having any of the same similarity to your trauma.

Triggers. Avoid them at all costs. The way they work is simple: You see something / meet someone that represents many of the same characteristics of something or someone that has jaded you before, RUN. Because if you don't, the synapses in your brain will spark because it's familiar with it or them. And when that spark happens, you confuse it for a jolt of interest; when really, it's your warning sign. The only way to move forward in life is to burn the bridges that connect you to your past; people, places, habits, behaviors, even dating and relationship mannerisms. The future is not about reliving your past but making something entirely new based on the lessons you've learned from your past.

Q: so your dating someone for months....but the sex is bad...but everything else fits and is great what do you do?

A: You find ways to make the sex interesting. ;) Maybe the sex doesn't work in the bed. Maybe it works... In the kitchen. On the floor. Against the wall. In the back of the car. Out in public. etc.

There's a such thing known as "Performance Anxiety" which plays a large part in a lot of guys' lives, and often times can dull a sex life. Performance Anxiety is a big common issue that affects men and even women.

"It can cause one to acquire brutal anxiety when it comes time to engage in sexual activity. What ultimately happens is that you become so fully engrossed in the fear of the inability to perform, that it ends up overtaking what should've been a spontaneous flow of sexual feelings."

In regards to one who suffers Performance Anxiety:
"They tend to avoid sexual encounters
They can develop low self-esteem
The relationship may deteriorate
It can lead to sexual dysfunction"

Its effects varies based on the guy; some guys, it lowers their performance in the bed. Some guys, it causes premature ejaculation. And some guys, it can cause Impotence. The usual reason is because there's a lack of experience with sexual encounters and insecurity in one's self.

Just because someone may have a high libido and a raging hard boner when they are alone and masturbating, doesn't automatically suggest it's the same deal when with someone else. Granted if the person has a good deal of experience with sex, it may be a good time. But if the person is more reposed and introverted, and less experienced with sex, Performance Anxiety may kick in because frankly, they just don't know what to do with themselves. It causes a rush of fear, adrenalin, and will undoubtably cause a certain clumsiness.

If the guy is worth it, I'd say take your time with him; get him accustomed to you. You'd be surprised how much things can change once they grow comfortable with you, and confident with themselves. Other tips are pretty basic: spend lots of time with them naked, just hanging around. Once they become comfortable in their own skin they'll be able to perform better. If the sex is generally just dull and mediocre, find ways to make it interesting. Tell them what to do, where to hit it, how deep to go, how hard or how fast.

When you give direction, it arouses the person indefinitely because sexually, giving orders is frankly a big turn on for most guys. In most cases, they just go in for the kill and get it over with. If you spice it up, make it interesting, the outcome may be different. You can even try other new things; toys, positions, locations, etc. Variety is the spice of life and can very well be the spice of one's sex life ;)

Q: what do you do when your scared to get close enough to anybody to even start a relationship because you never had to be the person who did the pursuing?

A: GET IT WHILE IT'S HOT, BABY! ;) You don't wanna sit around and "wait" for things to fall into place on their own, trust me. You can very well risk them being swept off their feet by someone else, all for the sake of wha...t, a defense mechanism? Everybody to some extent is a little scared of getting close to someone else, that's a given. But when it comes to feelings, you simply cannot control them. Sure, you can bottle them up and maybe deal with them later. But when feelings come into play, they're either there or they're not.

I've always said that people should really ease off on the whole cat and mouse game, and just do what comes naturally. Sure the chase can sometimes be fun; but when you're running wild in the forest of love, and you don't trace the proper steps to the person, they too can easily fall off track and find another path -- and in turn -- find another person.

If the feelings are there and mutually comprehendable, why not just make the move? If you don't know how, just be creative and charming. If this person is a friend, I personally would do something like invite them out for lunch, somewhere cozy and not loud. I wouldn't suggest movies because, well, how can you really have a conversation over blaring surround sound? Be spontaneous. A lunch would be ideal, you get to sit intimately over food, maybe some wine or cocktails after, and just talk. And that's where you can lay it on them, that you're really feeling them and want to pursue something more. And the best part about that idea is, you practically already went on your first date with them ;)

Q: what do you do when you want to find someone who will be monogamous in a relationship but there doesn't seem to be anyone who believes in monogamy?

A: There are a lot of people out there who are interested in a monogamous relationship. The problem is finding them, yes. But another issue may be the way you carry out YOUR SELF. Change your approach and change your outlet to finding guys. Some may seem more contradicting to what you really want than others. But most of all, bring your standards up a knotch or two; and as I've said, change your approach.

Just as much as the universe gives out the energy you put out, GUYS too will give what you give. If you're meeting guys simply for casual sexual encounters, that creates a reputation to precede you with for them. They only see you for that one thing. Alternatively if you meet guys with the intention to say, connect and build chemistry, by dating and getting to know them; it opens up an opportunity window for the motive you set yourself after.

Think of the universe the next time you talk to a guy, and think to yourself what kind of energy you want to put out there.
You get what you give.

World War We

2010-11-24T16:35:00.001-05:00

The spectral and most often misapprehended ideal of dating is most commonly blurred on whether or not someone is compatible with you. And frankly the most tedious aspect of dating is the in-between phases; picking through flaws, getting to know the person, accumulating whether or not there is any substratum for anything more long-term, in terms of relationships.

It's hard to find that person in a world where we have websites like A4A to distort the realities in the eyes of other men. We're limited to 550 characters of self-explanation, and 5 pictures to capture moments of narcissism and maybe some self-loathing. Most gay men alike are only interested in shaking your hand and showing you to their bedroom. And the ones that are more interested in some lesser sexual / sensual meeting only seem to be interested in getting away from their real life for the moment. There are those you date and find no interest in, those you sleep with but find no heart in, and those you just hang out with and find no real point in going further. It's the in-between process that kills existentialism in the idea of Romance and Love.

I've spent a great deal of my dating life ascertaining my many dispositions and intents, believing I know what or who I want in my life. So I surrounded myself with friends and lovers alike, fucked countless others, dated many more. Somehow nothing ever stuck. Granted I've landed a few longer-term relationships, some years, others months. Often times I find myself longing for some sense of interaction with another person; be it hanging out, grabbing a bite to eat, comic commentary over a movie, stimulating the synapses in our brains with intellectual conversation, or even outspoken soft romantic gestures with a sexual pun or two thrown in the mix. It seems like it was just yesterday that I was a youthful teen, not bothered by the reality of how lonely life becomes when you're an adult.

I had it set in notion that when I move out of New York and into Pennsylvania, I'd be a different person; that I would drop my walls and let in some fun in life; meet men, sleep with them, date them, and just try to be a little less sheltered. Today that notion changed. I've been down that road many a times before, when I moved to Kansas City, and even back to New York for a short period of time. It hasn't gotten me too far aside from a few scars, a few holes in my heart, and a currently incurable disease as a reaction to being burned and heartbroken to such an extreme.

I think it's hard for anyone to really know what they want in another person, as we are ever evolving and changing. Just a year ago I wanted to be a little more uninhibited and start having some fun. But today? Today I just want someone to be there to enjoy a Thanksgiving dinner with our families, to rip open presents you've been dying to buy them, under the Christmas tree and a warm fire, and to welcome a New Year with a kiss. Time goes by a lot faster than we like to admit, and seasons come and go almost too quickly. Sometimes quick enough that you don't have to sit there and ponder the many pleasantries you can experience during these times. It took me remembering my birthday, coming up in January, to really sulk in the truth that I've never really had someone special to celebrate it with, someone special to wish me that happy birthday I normally hate hearing from others.

How do you find someone significant in a corrupted system of ideals mostly driven by stereotypes and stereotypical men alike? Everybody wants material, beach bods, Hollywood smiles, and pornstar sex. Nobody has time for reality and love anymore.

Chemistry

2010-11-24T03:40:00.000-05:00

Today over dinner I got to thinking about Chemistry and how it really works. Call me a lunatic but I feel like we can compare it to the process of getting dinner at a restaurant. We discuss what restaurant or type of food you like: the pre-meet; walk into the restaurant, be seated: the introductions; a look through the menu: covering the basics; order your starting beverages: the icebreaker; and the 4 minute grace period in which your drinks are served, and you're given time to decide what you want to eat: the medium.

At this point in this kind of date, you're left with a few minutes to cover a little more of the basics; get some insight on the kind of person they are. The usual conversation(s) consist of where you're from/grew up, where you went to school, what you've done with your life thus far, hobbies, interests, and if there's enough time -- passions. The waitor comes back to take your order, at which point you've decided you'll test wits and order something bizarre but intruguing, as they do the same: the hook. Giving you 16 minutes more to discuss more intimate details of each other's lives. These details usually consist of getting to know what they're interested in, when it comes to being with another person; what they're looking for, what they're not looking for, and maybe an exchange of outrageous stories about previous encounters and affairs; the bridge. And so your food arrives and you both begin to dig in; carefully analyzing their tableside manners; the way they linger over every morsel, utilizing their attention to their sense of taste to become totally involved in their food. Sometimes it might even turn you on, because as we know -- the way one approaches a meal is in direct proportion to how they'd approach you in bed. And so you glare them momentarily with your bedroom eyes.

This part of the date determines whether they'd be interested in prolonging the date to some after-meal drinks. Drinks that would, based on your interest this far into the date, lower some of your boundaries. After the meal, while staring into each other's eyes with anticipation for the next move, maybe exchanging smirks and grins; one or the other asks about the availability for a drink or two. Agreed upon, the waitor is hailed. You order a wine, he orders a martini... Subtle, different, but they mesh. A few sips into it and you start to feel the warmth of the alcohol, or maybe the warmth of the company; you bump feet under the table or maybe touch hands. At this point it's no holds barred and there's a tinge of fire in each of your eyes.

We dance to the beat of music, and our hearts beat in different tones; we relish and feed our senses and our heart reacts to different emotions and maybe even sensations we feel at any given moment. When we dance, our hearts race and beat strong and hard to match the stomp of our feet, and the pace of our body. We lavish our sense of taste with foods and delicasies, and our hearts flutter and soften as we relish every bite. We sip our cocktails and eventually our hearts begin to beat steady but more stronger, as it starts to pump the blood a little more warmer. And when we're on this type of date, this far into it, we find that our hearts jump a beat or two the moment the hands touch, or eyes meet, and even more so when the lips lock.

Chemistry is a mystery only our bodies can translate...
but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to determine when two people are into each other.

Long Distance Heartbreak (Part II)

2010-11-24T01:57:00.000-05:00

New York City, "The City That Never Sleeps..." Ever wonder why it isn't sleeping? Could it be because of the 24-hour Starbucks on Times Square; the highly franchised 711's to address your "convenient" needs; the Pornshops and Peepshows on nearly every corner to ease your stresses; 24-hour Sephoras to meet your glamourous desires; or the fact that there's practically a party at any top-notch club for every day of the week? We have so many outlets for ways to get out of sleeping in... Or maybe it's never sleeping because we're too busy worrying about who we're going to sleep with. But what happens when you're not sleeping because you're sleeping with the enemy?

Two years ago I found myself unable to sleep one night, and so I started browsing the web... You know -- the typical gay social/dating websites. I figured I'd browse around and see what the interweb can bring to the table, as I found myself growing tired of the nightlife grind. I had it in my head that maybe a harmless casual chat will wear my synapses down enough to make it to my bed that night. I browsed around, disappointed, and found myself stumbling into the local chat-room to the city I used to live in, Kansas City MO. I entertained myself with the irrelevant banter the locals seemed to arouse, and magically enough I stumbled across someone painfully gorgeous, who I'd recognize later on. We'll call him "N."

The chat was casual, "Hey, you're cute," "I've seen you around before, can't remember where," "How's things been?" etc. And with just that, it seemed a few hours flew by, lost in translation or at least in the convo, almost effortlessly. There's something to be said about chemistry over the internet -- no judgements, easier to get along, no awkwardness, and definitely no presuppositions to intervine with a possible connection. Suffice to say we exchanged phone numbers, and no sooner after that, found ourselves nearly inseperable; aside from the hundreds, maybe thousands of miles dividing us from our arms' reaches.

In the midst of this existentialism in a long distance love affair, I've always had the intention of traversing back to KCMO, as I've made some of my better friends during my time there. Perhaps "N" was just the icing on the cake, the influencial incentive to bring me back more sooner than planned. And so we've discussed the possibilities; my visiting, possibly moving back to the city, somewhere in the mixup we've even managed to juggle the idea of being together and moving in with him. Months of procrastination and planning go by, and I find myself in the city again, visiting my best friend "J" and my others, "B", "S", and then some. But only this time, "N" and I have been out of touch for some time. I figured I'd surprise him but somehow we've lost our "connection" so to speak. A weekend visit turns into a 2-week stay, in between all the fun my friends and I had exumed; a boy can get lonely... And so the dating and hooking-up began. Needless to say the 2-week stay turned into an "I don't know when I'll go back" kind of journey, and somewhere in between all that, I found myself exclusively dating on "B.D." That is of course until I found it plastered all over his internet that he'd been sleeping around loosely.

A couple of months go by and unconventionally my journey in this city has reached its hault. Packed my stuff and got on the next bus back home. Two days of a road-trip later, unwind. Settle in. Discuss my adventures to friends and family. Recover. Get back to work. Come home. Tired. Restless. Mundane repetition. Sigh. Go to bed. Repeat. Occasionally meet guys. Have sex. Try to date. Fail miserably. Swear off sex. Go running back to sex. Reevauluate my position in the ideal of love while on the precipes of becoming a loner. Meet a guy. Hit it off. Have more sex. Start to like him. Start to fall. Start to love him. Dig for flaws. Found many. Start to retreat. Get pulled back in. Only to be pushed right out. Repeat. Repeat. He's in love with someone else still. I'm in love with someone else still. And finally I find myself back on the site where I'd await an e-mail from the ever-so-elusive "N," all while trying to maintain a chaotic but thoroughly entertaining relationship with "C."

It wasn't so bothersome that "C" had a secret relation to his "J," as I've rekindled and maintained mine with "N." It was almost perfect until I found myself tethering the brink of an unsighted lapse of judgement and persona. Juggling two loves can do a number on one's mentality. "C" lasted some 9 months of push-and-pulling and tug-of-war, while "N" was truly the secret that kept me sane. At least I had something to look forward to. You know -- when that person is your waking and somber thought; jumping for joy when you see their name light up radiantly, as much as your love for them, on your phone. And so our unconventional long distance love affair continued, a year and some change into it. We even got as far as to saying the big L bomb to each other, and what spun my head the most is how he said it first -- what no other man has done before. And our chemistry was still as explosive as ever, no dulling in sight whatsoever.

Some points of this torrid love affair were iffy. Some times he'd disappear for a couple of days or weeks, some times I would. I guess Long Distance only works so long until one or the other, or both, find themselves needing physicality; and since the unwritten rules and regulations of "different area codes" tends to apply, well, you can only imagine what we'd do without each other knowing. Perhaps the actions caused some kind of guilt-trip, which prompted a breathing period to absorb this strange feeling for even someone 2100 miles away. And of course we'd find ourselves back within each others frequency, as if nothing had ever happened. All while still debating the details of making this affair not so long distance. He's tossed around the idea of moving me in with him and even looking after me till I find my place in the city. And on multiple occasions teased me with the notion of buying a one-way plane ticket into his loving arms. But alas, that notion has lasted month after month with no such follow-through on his part. But what was holding me back from going ahead and buying a ticket? Simple: Who's to say I'd buy a ticket and he'd leave me stranded at the airport, nowhere to be found, stood up, heartbroken. But I suppose the same could be said from his perspective: Who's to say I would even get on that airplane? EVEN though I wouldn't even so much as second-guess it. But "N" has stood me up on buying me the ticket just as much as I'd imagine he'd do so at his airport. And so our "relationship" began to deteriorate over false promises and distraught doubts.

We'd eventually lose touch again, and I'd eventually start dating again. Back to the grind. Hop online. Chat with guys. Meet them. Find something I like about them. Indulge. Arouse them. Sleep with them. Ditch them. Repeat. Sexually releasing the stresses of my heart. Repeat. Go on a sabatical. Hate the sabatical. Find another guy and so on. And every so often "N" would light up on my phone -- and as anticipated -- as if nothing happened. And so the routine would commence. And I thought to myself "Really!?" Is it possible for someone to truly find some sick, twisted sense of enjoyment in teasing the idea of importing someone from another city, on the precipes of chemistry and "love," only to string them along for months, even years, to no end? Is it possible that someone could find pleasure in paining someone else with false ideals and empty promises? I can't stop myself from being gullable and vulnerable to the advances of someone I find myself intimately attracted to; but maybe he used that as ammunition for his M16 that is his game and grasp over me. What does someone really get out of all this? I know I get a shit-ton of headache and heartache. Just a few days ago "N" popped up in my digital life again after a 2 month pause, caused by a fueled bout after yet another broken promise. His excuses, ever so benign, always seem to win me over. This time it was "family" issues, and him not wanting me to be involved in it. And of course, predictably, he'd make the promise of a ticket his way the following Friday -- and to my surprise (yes, I'm still surprised by it) -- he disappears again.

I've come across some players in my time, but none like this before. We go to sleep with the notion that tomorrow could bring good, but he seems to sleep with the promise that tomorrow he'll break hearts. I can only imagine how many others like me he's luring in; with his callous charm, new-age sleaze, his irresistable voice, and insanely sexy swagger. Maybe he's reacting to the same events someone once plagued him with, and finding some sense of closure in inflicting it on someone else. Or maybe he's afraid of what I could mean to him, as I already [knew] what he meant to me. At some point I almost believed in the idea of soul-mates, as he represented every detail and characteristic in a guy I've ever wanted. Or maybe none of it was real... Maybe he's some sick bastard who's not even gay -- not even who he says he is -- and gets off on breaking hearts because nobody would ever love his fat, hairy, repulsive ass in person. And they say "distance makes the heart grow fonder..." HA! -- which part -- The burn or the sting?

Sex Ed 2010

2010-11-13T02:38:00.001-05:00

There are a few good men in this world that are glorified by the actions they take. And the action we look towards the most is recurringly obvious - Sex. You see, sex in our modern society can be approached on so many different levels and in different ways, based on the purpose of the act itself. Personally I'm happy enough just pleasuring myself with my hand and some porno, while often times I need the presence of another man to reach a different level of climax.

I like to think men categorize themselves based on how they approach sex. There are those who fuck you and move on to the next one; those who make it a regular habit without any more strings than just to exclusively pleasure each other; the few shades of grey where a man approaches sex as means to getting closer to the other person, on an intimate level of course; and kind that consider sex the art of "making" love.

Sex has become quite the spectator sport, au contrair to what some of you may think. Media icons and celebrities alike share their bodies both on screen and paper to attract a large commodity of followers because, frankly, sex sells. We like seeing them in the act -- it arouses us, it stimulates our need for sexuality in our lives. While the blockbuster scenes are more steered towards arousing us sensually, the Pornography industry puts it all out there to arouse us sexually.

Men in our modern age make it a point to have as much sex as possible for whatever reason(s), whether they do it for a sport to keep their libido and blood-pressures active, or to tap into a subservient need to experience it with another person. I myself have always wondered what the big hype is, as I find sex to be easy -- I can do it with my hand. Sex for me is an approach to get more intimately familiarized with the person. The common man uses sex as a tool to become generally familiarized with the public, to make a name for himself or collect headcount for some twisted sense of sexual credential. It always bothered me that the term "Making Love" has become such the underdog, but alas, while few and far in between -- there are those who only allow sex to happen when they simply cannot get enough of the person; they look at intercourse as though they are penetrating into the person's mind, body, soul, and maybe even heart.

The term "Making Love" was derived way back when sex wasn't even as familiar to the common culture as it is now. When man can only do such a thing when he would bewed the mate he was destined for, or at least for marriage. ALA Seal the Deal much? I'd imagine that was the point. We've progressed passed such a tradition and evolved into a generation where sex is something you just do; be it to show interest in a person or even as an introduction, considering most equate sex with the shake of a hand.

The mystery remains as a subjective measure of what each individual person REALLY gets out of sex...
What's your excuse?

Yours, Anally

2010-11-08T00:49:00.000-05:00

Relationships require a certain level of trust and excitement to keep things interesting. The most tasteful aspect in a relationship are the partners' sex lives. It embodies not only their emotions and feelings for one another, but also their desire and trust for each other. So it's no surprise that when my good friend approached me with her fears of Anal Sex with her boyfriend, I started to think.

As an adolescent peaking the prime of sexual awakening, one of our most deviant desires is to find that special someone to give your "innocence" to; someone you can trust, with whom is mutually and exclusively devoted to your feelings and desires. It takes a strong level of trust to allow someone into you, to penetrate you, and break you out of the sheltered shell in that of virginity. And the most actively thought out worry is that it will hurt. It wouldn't quite be like giving yourself to a stranger, you see - they don't know you, nor do they know how to handle you. And the moment the hymen breaks, or in general - the moment you allow someone into you for the first time, is a moment that you cannot replace.

When you're in a monogamous long-term relationship, Anal sex can be the most emotionally and physically pleasurable experiences you can experience. Loving someone to the extreme of giving that to them is amazing, and reliving a pseudo-virgin moment you, in most cases, either gave away carelessly or mistakenly, can spark an intense and more deeper (no pun intended) connection to your lover.

The thing that is most amazing about Anal sex is that it relives that one moment almost every time. No doubt it takes trust to allow it to happen, to know the man well enough that he knows how to handle you. Most men and perfect strangers are eager to just jam it in and get to it, failing to acknowledge the steps required to make it work - including the 30-second sting phase where you feel a terrible burning pain almost (usually) impossible to handle till that 30 seconds is up, and the sting dissipates. While bearing that first entry moment can be excruciatingly painful, getting passed it is when that moment starts to really live to your expectations - assuming of course your expectations were more higher than low.

The moment of entry will go however you allow it to. If you're tense and squirmy, it will be painful, as your anus muscle tightens and the canals of the anal wall swell. Steady breathing and relaxation is key.

The most common worry about Anal sex is the accident of leaving behind a chocolate surprise. And in most cases, it usually happens if you fail to navigate through the steps required to make Anal sex a success. Diet, for instance, plays a large part. Eating fatty foods and spicy foods is probably not the best idea if you plan on getting it up your tush. Some people don't eat anything at all the day of Anal sex, but starving yourself can prove to be awkward. You don't want your stomach growling while he's trying to or getting it in. I personally suggest eating light, salads and soft fluids. Timing your food and digesting is also a big key-point. Eating 5 hours before sex, and passing a bowel movement 2 hours before. And of course the cleansing / douching process an hour or two before anal. Yes, you CAN douche your ass. Summer's Eve works well, but if you find yourself shame-ridden and can't face buying it, a home enema can be conducted out of a rinsed and sanitized empty 15.9oz shampoo bottle, filled with warm soaped water; pulling off/unscrewing the nozzle to expose a small diameter that, when lubricated, can be placed just into your anus. Repeat the douche process 2-4 times.

A lot of people always ask "Well, what if you didn't plan the anal sex?" Frankly there's no such thing as unplanned Anal sex. If you want it to be clean and pleasurable, it NEEDS to be planned, or you at least need to be prepared.

When you are confident with yourself in knowing you took care of your shit (literally), by knowing the steps you took to prepare yourself, almost nothing can go wrong. But if you're nervous and afraid, well, "Scared Shitless" really can be more than an expression.

Mood Fling

2010-10-06T23:47:00.001-04:00

When we were younger, it was always about the "next best thing," or in that case, the next hot guy. But as we grow older, it seems to exude not the next best thing, but rather "the last resort."

When I was younger, my standards were set so high, I could literally be diagnosed text-book narcissist. I'd go for the guys I knew everybody would want; the kind that would make me feel good about myself. But now as I'm older, I glance at those kinds of guys and just as easily look away, and instead, I find interest in the kind that make me feel good.

There may not seem to be much of a difference in the concept, but when it comes down to it, we pick our guys based on our moods. It's like a Mood Ring...
When we're feeling hot and red, we spark interest in someone you could find in an underwear catalog.
If we're feeling down and blue, we settle for someone not within our standards out of pity or some sense of self-loathing.
Sometimes we'll feel bright and orange and look for someone who stimulates us intellectually,
or often times we can feel greedy and green and go out with someone we know will pay for the food and even the drinks.

We have our ABC's to spell out our words, maybe there's some mood-factor to color-coordinate the men we pick. Our moods are ever-changing and I know it's safe to assume our interests in guys can be incorporated in a peculiar pattern. How it plays out that way is simple: we reflect.
Sure, we got our ABC's and the words to speak up on to express how we feel, but sometimes talk is cheap. Sometimes we need to act out in some way and often times, the result is to absorb those moods in the company of someone who can articulate what we feel with how they are.

We react with words to dress our expressions, and express our moods with a guy that can suit them, and suit ourselves with outfits that represent how we feel; and how we feel can be the sum of our ever-changing patterns. In fact, I believe we can assume every choice we make in our every-day-lives can be matched with a color, or mood, or pattern.
Anything from an executive decision, to what you eat, where you go out, what kind of cocktail you order, what music you're listening to, what time you go to sleep, and even moreso -- when you wake up.

We are examples of the sum of ever-changing patterns...
And defined by the actions we make to cater to them.

Crossover

2010-10-06T23:46:00.000-04:00

There's a limit to how much you should expect from a person, when they themselves limit how much they can give you. Sure, you may give it your all and be tried, tested, and true, but in the long-run, or at the end of it, there's not much left to go by and the only thing left to give is a standing ovation and your last goodbye.

Some people make it a point to show you and remind you how much they're willing to devote themselves, if not to the memory of the way things were, but also to this existential ideal that some things work themselves out. But at what point do they realize it doesn't work out to their liking, but rather to an inconvenient yet theoretical opposing factor?

I used to be a big believer of the metaphor "Opposites Attract," but over time, and after careful consideration, I got to thinking...

Well, if that were true, then why do magnets repel each other?

Why is "White" the absence of color, when "Black" is the abundance of them?

Why does the color Red represent both Rage and Passion and not one or the other?

There's so many questions to the false ideals of life we were raised to accept, but never taught how to question. And over time, we learn the only answer to follow is that it just is.

Why does it feel good to entangle yourself in the tinges of things that aren't good for you?

-Because it does.

Why does Lust excite you more than Love, when both can be incorporated within each other, without some petty fine line we were taught separates the two?

-Because it does.

You see, when we ask the questions, it's so easy to answer with the most cliche response. But why is it that when we're faced with a more ambivalent question like, "Why did the relationship go sour?" or "Why can't he let me go?" you're dumb-fucked for any answers?

We wake with the notion that the day can bring good, but never sleep with the idea that things can go wrong. We prepare ourselves and open ourselves to the possibilities, but never consider the consequence(s).

-Will this risk endanger my well-being?

-Will stringing this relationship on make it harder to get out of?

-Will being a kind and courteous human being be translated into being interested?

-Will I ever be severed from the ties of a relationship I allowed to happen when I shouldn't have?

When you don't have the answers to the most basic questions, you start to obsess and maybe even involve yourself more than you should, for the sake of the most obvious answers.

-Definitely

-Yes

-Of course

-Absolutely.

It's a phase you go through when you lose your touch, and stumble to your defeat by the loophole that is life, when it leaves you loathing; questioning your self-worth. Yet even while we question our own worth, we fail to ask the one last simple question...

Was it worth it?

No.

Bittersweet Remedy

2010-01-20T02:17:00.000-05:00

"Let's talk about it," he says.
"Talk about what?" I reply.
"You know... That thing you do,
when your head's in your palms,
and you face the ground...
drifting off into this abyss of a silent retreat."
"Even if for a minute...
That minute feels like years,
because I don't know how to reach you." he says;
so blatantly clinging onto this idea
that I could communicate the intricate logic of matter and emotion.

"If I told you, you'd hold it against me." I said,
as I toss a quirky smirk his way,
and just as easily change the focus of my eyes on him,
to my eyes back on the ground.

He sits there, glaring, ever so content with
what I would have to say after that...
And so I gave in.

"It's the smell. Your smell.
Your stench that retraces the steps back to last night.
The smell that identifies who we've become.
We're not lovers, dear.
We're not even friends.
We are two strangers, trying to find time in one another.
Time that cannot be acquired.
Time that cannot be made.
Time that, even if we had the time, wouldn't have the time for."

As I gently glaze my calloused hand across his face,
just barely shedding a tear...

"We've become entangled in a web. A deceitful web.
Whereas you wanted to connect,
I wanted to intertwine.
Whereas you wanted to dance,
I wanted to move.
Whereas you wanted to love,
I wanted to fuck.
And while it was prolonged, dear...
The scenario hasn't changed.
I can't love you.
I won't love you.
I'm not even sure that I want to love you.
But I did love us.
I loved us while we kissed,
And touched,
And tasted the salty sweat off of each other's bodies;
I loved your masculinity tracing my shadowscape,
And beckoning to invade the space
between my hard place and your rock.
I loved us connected, from your frontal pole, to my south, reclined.
And your milky linger just barely on the brink.
It's been a morbid diathesis of carnival flesh,
masquerading as idle lovers...
But where there's idle connection,
There's also a sign-off.
And my dear, I've signed off.
Why haven't you?"

And it was then, as our lips pressed firmly
against each other's... For the last time.
That he understood.
He understood.
And walked away.

N.Y. Roulette

2009-12-18T12:00:00.001-05:00

Dating in New York City has become a game of chance encounter. Everybody has their own outlet to meeting the kind of person they want to meet; be it at a coffee shop, a bar, a club, or even online. It all plays part to a certain degree of "what to expect" or whether or not it's taking a chance.

I've taken my chance.

It was only two months into it that I started to realize that I've become victim to the bullet marked "Love." Was I falling, or already in it? Or maybe somewhere caught in between the crossfire. They say X marks the spot, and now all I can ponder is did they really mean Ex?

We were off to a good start; We got along, we joked around, we played it safe, and the sex was good. I even got along with his friends, for whatever that was worth.
But that's where the problem(s) began.
The timebomb that was triggered the moment we locked lips, seemed to trigger just a little bit more each time we took our relationship public.

One beer led to five, and maybe a few shots in between. And in his inebriated haze, he'd drop a bomb on me. One night it was the possibility of cancer. Another night it was to suggest I find somebody else. The atomic, was his ghost of a former love still lingering between us and in the sheets.

I did my best and played nonchalant. I tried to let it slip, but it was continued to be brought up. And I asked; "Is this somebody that can jeapordize any chance we might have?" and he simply, yet dangerously answered "Yes."

Chance... It's funny how it can be full of so many possibilities, yet so full of arsenal.
And I guess all that was left was to wait for the inevitable.

Through the trials and tribulations, and the wonders of "What If;" and through the shades of grey that dimmed on the spotlight that was our relationship... We took a chance. A few chances, I should say. Though there were problems and warnings signs to stay away, and though it was never meant to be; we played the game of N.Y. Roulette.

You can only play with chance for so long, till' it blows love away.

Timebomb

2009-12-18T11:44:00.001-05:00

I've never understood what "terms of endearment" really meant before...
Or at least what exactly those terms were.
Is it flattery or chivalry? Romance or spontaneity? Passion or intimacy?
We have all these different aspects and prospects to finding a solid core
or substratum to sustaining a mutual comprehension of yourself and your beloved...
But what happens when your terms differ from theirs?

A few nights ago during one of my many regular boring nights at home,
I picked up the phone and called my best friend, whom I always toss my ideas and rants at
in hopes for some kind of insight, or at least a second-hand opinion to keep me out of my head.
He said something that really melted in the back of my head...
He said; "Everybody has their own different versions of love and how to express it."
It was a copacetic statement that couldn't have been more fitting to my current situation.

Over the last couple of weeks I've realized I'm really starting to develope feelings... Strong feelings... For someone I've been seeing. Granted it's only been a short time but feelings can't be controlled. They're there when they're there and when they're there, you can only face them or shelf them.
And in a sense, I guess I've been shelving them... At least until I know for sure.
Though some hints and ideas have been tossed my way, and thankfully I'm good at reading between the lines... The fine lines that prevent us from facing present reality.
I always believed it's best to wait it out and ride the wave, until the currents calm down and it's safe to swim to the shore... I guess I'm waiting. For what? I'm not sure.
Maybe a sign... Maybe for the door to open without my own hands turning the knob.
Or maybe I'm just waiting for things to turn sour.

I have a tendency of comparing my present with my past, and nonetheless always expect the same results I've dealt with before. Often times, this puts a strain on my usual open-mindedness, and even my open heart.

I won't lie, there has been times where things actually gotten to a point where it seems like contrary to what was happening, can lead to something going bad.
But those issues were surprisingly dealt with and mutually apprehended quite fast.
Maybe I'm just not used to the open communication and this amount of honesty, that it freaks me out sometimes. But when does it get to a point where some things are better kept to yourself?
That's where I'm at.

The ghost of his (not so far) past has been brought to my attention, no less by him...
And the detail of what they (seemed to have) shared really did a number on my ego.
How can I compare? There's an unresolved romance that's making the sheets a little colder than it is warmer; and residue from a lost connection still lingering in between.
Maybe I'm overreacting... Maybe I'm just expecting this to be the breaking point I always expect.

But I'm sparing a great amount of confusion and I'm trying to let it slide,
afterall... They'll never see each other again. Right?
I still worry. I may not be half the man I could be, or twice as strong as I should be...
But that's what makes me me... That's what makes me human.
A human with feelings that pattern to grow fast,
feelings that are frail and fragile, easily hurt.
It could be many reasons, from saying the wrong thing at the wrong time...
To making me feel like my feelings aren't enough.

So for now, I'll sit back...
And badger myself over wondering just how much is too much communication and trust.
Tick, tock...

Maybe, Baby

2009-12-18T11:43:00.001-05:00

We've all got our ulterior motives in most cases, but when it comes to sleeping with the enemy, how do you really seperate the two with a fine line that defines a Friend or Foe?

It started one night at the expense of being bored out of my mind, with no one around to fulfill whatever it was I was yearning at the time. I could've easily called one of my friends and said "Hey! Let's meet at The Coffee Shop for some cocktails." but the more I thought about it, I realized it wasn't something a friend would satisfy.
So I met with someone that's been... In the works, for some time now.

Initially we met as means to "hanging out..." Right! Because my rising to the occasion as soon as we sat down wasn't obvious at all of what my intentions were. Although I've never been the type to liberate myself from my morals, what ever that is... Tonight I was feeling exceptionally lonely.

Sure we talked a bit, made it more comfortable, but at 1AM, talk is cheap... So we got to it.
He was quick to lean closer to me and lock his lips on mine...
What a good kisser. I couldn't help but quiver, as the synapses fired, sending orders:
Caress him, undress him, try to digress but can't help it...
Unbutton the shirt, slide down the pants, next thing you know we're assuming deposition.

It never ceases to amaze me how good it feels to expose yourself entirely to someone you don't know well. Even moreso to be able to condone this amount of bliss.

It took me some time to discover how you can tell whether or not it's just sex, or if somewhere between the climaxes, they feel some kind of connection to you. A lot has to do with vulnerability. But how can you discover that much about someone over just the course of sex?
You compare it to the times that I'm sure we've all had, where it was just a one night stand.
You know... The clothes come off, the act was done, and poof! Never to be seen again.
Well with him, I could tell that he wasn't just having sex with me, no...
He was passionate about it. He made love to me.

There's something about the way he holds me; close, tight, gripping me as if it's not close enough, as he penetrates deeper as though he's trying to penetrate my soul.
The eye-contact is stunning... The way he stared deep into my eyes, and sent a physical jolt as he sent a smile my way. And I'd tremor... Not because I'm scared, but because he has me. He's got a grip of me far more than my hips. And when he kisses me before his final moments,
I get the chills... As though I'm experience the same body high as he's feeling.

I knew it was more than just a one night stand, and it was justified when it happened again.
But even then I knew there's something more to it than the sex.
It's myserious, sensual, passionate, dangerous if I gave in to it...
But the moment he kissed me again, I gave in to it.

The way that I can tell that he's vulnerable is because he's got this fire to him...
This passion that seems almost impossible to miss.
When he holds me, it's like he's longing for something once lost or missed.
But for now, I'm going with it. No pressure. No reservations.
Because if it becomes something more...
Well maybe, baby, we're off to a good start

Lights, Camera, Progress!

2009-09-17T00:06:00.002-04:00

I'd like to think rejection is quite possibly one of the most elusive points you can reach, in terms of dating... You just never know when it's gonna happen, or whether or not it's even feasible or in the picture. But you see, that's what dating is all about. People often put too much anticipation and expectation on something that requires a lot of time and attention, and dating is just the fine line that defines whether or not there is compatibility or even chemsitry.

Fact: First Dates tend to play the role of being the ice-breaker. How this pans out is simple... You meet somebody, get a feel of them; maybe get to know them, but only a little - leaving room for mystery and more to talk about, should there be enough interest to continue to a second date. More often than not, first dates are usually something subtle and brief, like a walk in the park, a small lunch date, maybe a coffee...
Ending on a shake, or a soft, small kiss. Or at least that's how it should be.

This leaves us at a point where we can ascertain if,
1) There's a mutual physical attraction;
2) There's enough common interests shared to prolong onto the next date;
3) There's some kind of borderline chemistry the two have met, but not explored.

Fact: Second Dates, kind of like the sequel or prequel to the First Date, often play the role of loosening up some. Generally something a little more decadent, like a full-course dinner, a cocktail (or twelve), and letting go of some of your reservations to get to the more intimate details to share with your date. That alone can range anywhere from conservative talk about who you are, what you do, how you've been raised, to fantasies and your take on an ideal relationship, and maybe even some sexual innuendo.

At this point, there's so much room for possibilities because, if you've survived the first date, and managed to keep the clothes on through the second, there's gotta be some kind of connection beyond the bedroom. See in today's world, especially here in New York City, we just don't have the time for the pretense, and beating around the bush. We're in demand, busy, and often on the go, and straight-shooters who go after what ever it is we may want at any given moment.

I myself have a 3-Date Rule policy... Now, I don't always follow it, because I'm also a firm believer of both Going With The Flow and Life's Too Short. Though essentially, my 3-Date Rule policy is that if I'm actually interested in a person, I allow 3 Dates before I allow myself to explore them sexually. For me, it keeps things interesting and somewhat prolonged.

This of course, brings us to Date Three...

Fact: Third Dates should be no holds barred. I mean, really! If you've managed to knock off the other two dates and hit it off well, why not reward each other with a happy ending (no pun intended)? I personally like Third Dates to be a little more intimate and lowkey, like going over to their place, having a glass of wine, "watching a movie" though we know how well that turns out... Followed by a few hours of spooning and sweet talks of nothing and everything at the same time. And of course, there'll be an encore performance.

Three Dates, hopefully successful, and you should be off to a great start. So long as things aren't pressured and not too much is expected out of someone too soon, at least it's progressing at a pace that can accommodate the city we live in, and the lifestyle(s) we lead.

Long Distance Heartbreak

2009-07-31T08:28:00.001-04:00

It's no secret that technology has taken over the world. We have automated mechanisms for every day duties; and computers to act as the person behind the counter, or across the table, or behind the glass window. But there's that one person that nearly catches you by surprise... The one that's across the country, but feels more real than anything you've ever encountered.

It starts as a casual chat to pass your time, when you're stuck at home one day and at a loss for a social life, and suddenly you realize you're having a good time. It's like an ordinary acquaintance between any two people who meet in person; questions are asked, topics are discussed, you get to know each other, and somewhere in between you find yourself interested enough to swap phone numbers.

It doesn't even phase you that they're 2100 miles away, because when you're talking to them, it feels like they're right beside you; breathing the same air, synchronized in thought, making the butterflies in your stomach flutter, and no sooner than later you're starting to like them.They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, and now I understand why. There's a certain degree of innocence and safety when harm is not within arm's reach; there's no messing up, and even if you do, doesn't seem like too much of a loss. There's no room for anger when tensions build up, because you're just not there to know you're messing up. And there's no hard feelings if you or him lied. But it's still funny how there's all this safety for bad end-results, but never a warning or precaution against falling in love.

If you think it takes physicality to fall for someone, you're gravely mistaken, and so was I. I never knew exactly what unconditional love meant until I met him. Granted the desire to really feel the person and be able to touch them is at an all-time high, but love doesn't work that way. If they can put a smile on your face for the rest of the day; become your every thought and never cease to cross your mind; make you miss them even when you're talking to them; and jump for joy when you see their name show up on your Caller ID... That's love, too.

It's never meant to happen but you can't help it. When feelings get involved, it's no-holds barred; there's no saying how or when, but when it happens, you can't go wrong. If they give you what you need when it comes to your heart's desire, well then that's all it really boils down to.Sadly this existentialism in a long distance love affair can only last so long. Some weeks, others months, very rarely years. But eventually one or the other becomes discouraged, by letting time factor what they're feeling inside, because they're not feeling it on the outside.

In my case, I guess hope was lost, thinking it could never be... Although I would've done ANYTHING to assure it surely could be; even traveling half-way across the country, if it meant prolonging that beautiful feeling.Patience was a virtue, but there's a fine line between being patient and being strung along. But I guess when you're in love, you don't realize how much time has gone by... Because it stands still.

He never knew I fell for him this hard, and probably never will.
I just wish he'd at least know he'll always hold a special place in my heart.
For now, for a while... Forever.

Realationship

2009-07-29T00:07:00.001-04:00

Emotions are a tricky part in the game we call love.

There are the kind you feel, the kind you don't feel,
the kind you don't know if you feel,
and the kind you don't want to feel.

When exposed to either of said matters, it's like opening Pandora's Box and struggling in a race to find balance. Balance, in this case, is a pendulum-esque exchange in power, or rather a reversal of roles... Ping-ponging responsibility and succumbing to compromise.

Where the emotions come in play, is the willingness to allow another person, for the sake of like/love, exploit your strengths and weaknesses to convince, if not manipulate you (in most cases) into this compromise.

Most people mistake emotions for those cookie-cutter high-school crushes we've all had; trading off reality for fantasy in an effort to keepsake childish endearment.
But that's the fantasy of it.
The reality - less pleasing to embrace - is that a relationship isn't something you take for granted because of how it makes you feel, but rather what you can build and accomplish with this person, based on characteristics, logic, shared interest(s) and possibly even goals.

The topsy-turvy, though, is letting all the "stuff" in between cloud your initiative.
And it's that "stuff" that people often take for granted and allow to define what a relationship really is... Partnership.

A Simple Kiss

2009-07-29T00:00:00.002-04:00

They say the gateway through one's soul is through one's eyes.
And love, admittedly, is what puts one's soul at peace.
The one common, and most crucial factor in any relationship, is the kiss.

You know... The kiss that makes your head spin.
The kiss to ease the pain.
The kiss good night.
The kiss good morning.
The kiss to set the mood.
The kiss to end that argument.
The kiss on top of kisses that makes your day, and the next, worth it.

So, if the gateway to one's soul is through one's eyes...
Why does it all boil down to that kiss--and better yet--Why do we close our eyes when we kiss?

Maybe they were wrong.
Maybe the transgressions that come to play, when lips are locked, play a less evident role in the game of love. Although we may not be aware of it, it's the kiss we long for.
It's not about the sex, the bodyheat, the orgasm(s).
It's not about the sweating and panting, the head banging against the headboard.
It's not about the bodies meeting the anatomy's needs...
It's about the kiss.

The way it moves you.
The way it flusters you.
The way it puts that smile on your face for the rest of the day.
The way it makes you long for more.
It's the kiss and the way it reassures you that, there's always that kiss...

The kiss whose impact I miss.

The Spotlight Tragedy

2009-07-28T23:56:00.002-04:00

Share your life with me...
For the next 10 minutes?

It was brought to my attention by one of my best friends, that the logic of going out in brief "Coffee" dates actually serves more of a purpose, than killing time and (briefly) getting to know someone... And I'm here to tackle that idea.

These alleged Coffee dates, brief nonetheless,
serve as means to garnering a physical attraction to someone, especially if it's a first meet.
A coffee date is exactly as it entales: A coffee.
There are no ulterior motives, and certainly no guarantee that it will last anywhere past that ONE coffee. There's always room for excuses to ditch the person, with subtlety, as opposed to sticking around for, say, a whole movie, or dinner.

We all know how that goes...
Spending money on ticket(s) to a movie you either won't enjoy, or can't enjoy because contrary to who your present company is, it has generally disinterested you in the idea of the movie to begin with.

But there's Dinner too...
Paying an atrocious amount of money for food you could've enjoyed for half the price, not to mention putting up with the Interrogation process, in the form of "21 Questions;"
"Hello! I'm trying to enjoy my dinner and wine (or strong cocktail at this point)"
Dinner dates are either trainwrecks or arousing.

There's so much to tell about a person over the course of a meal;
How they present their physical appearance to accomidate the setting;
Their mannerisms at the table;
Their eating habits;
And even what they decide to talk about, if you observe it close enough.
But you see... Most guys aren't prepared for these kinds of dates, because it's an ego complex for them. It's either they don't want to be the asshole that rejects you, if they're not into you... Or they aren't prepared to handle what comes after the surprise of them finding an interest in you; albeit whether it's in or out of the bedroom.

Or maybe the economy is just that bad, that it's even affecting our dating lives...
But that's just wishful thinking.

So, when you think about it, it's guys that aren't man enough to face the good or bad results of a proper date, that tend to downsize and date in smaller doses, or even in moderation.

Where it flows...

2008-01-31T22:03:00.000-05:00

I once knew a man who admittedly described himself as "the fall in-love" type. He said, he falls in love at first sight, and if he didn't, he knew to move on.

The man wasn't all that bad; funny, smart, attractive and artistic in his own way. His only downfall was that he'd become too selective for the good of his own heart, based on prior experiences with those of similar qualities.

He is 35, single and rather miserable.

It's a shame, that the most eligible bachelors are the most jaded kind. And it's a shame that these are the kind of mates we look for, yet we take them for granted.

Have we too, become too selective?

So selective, that if often blinds us to the chance that, what we've been looking for, can very well be right in front of us; in a whisper, a handshake, a kiss or even a first acquaintance.

Have we increased our own standards to better suit our low expectations?

We live in an age of competition, and frankly, you either have it or you don't; the good looks or the sex appeal to make up for it; the confidence or the 5 figure job to flaunt in return; the brains or the body to show off instead.

We're all so strung-out on the idea that we need these things; be it in ourselves or potential mates.

We've exchanged romance for materialism; passion and intimacy for a mundane sexual encounter to fill the void--albeit temporarily; and the worst of all... Love for lust.

Too Much Too Little

2007-12-19T21:33:00.000-05:00

I've come to the conclusion that we, those who endlessly date, trying to find that one right person, do not know how to make up our minds.

Though in good meaning, when we date people, we explore the individual both emotionally and sexually. But in todays world, we're much quicker to explore the person Sexually first.
What happens is, granted we have sex with a person more sooner than we can thoroughly get to know them, is that we are either let down by their performance and don't even allow the chance to get to know them emotionally, or, in almost all cases, the sex is so good that we only want to know them sexually.

It's no surprise that it's so hard to find someone that we can enjoy equally in between. But perhaps that's because of our undying need for complete satisfaction. Or perhaps we are so closed-minded.

It seems we either enjoy the sex so much that the emotional aspect isn't needed because the sex alone suffices. Or the emotional connection (prior to the sex) is so overwhelming, it turns off our sexual desire for the person.

It's tenuously difficult to decide whether to take things slow or break the ice...
But the best I can say is just go with the flow,
Because either way, you're going to come off strong in either said matter.

Do you sit around and wait for them to give you directions,
or do you act impulsively based on how you feel?

Here's an idea... Why not let them present their interest first.
And by that, I don't mean they make a move.
I mean that they make it clear it's ok to make yours.
Nor am I suggesting to act impulsively...
Instead, meet them half-way!

It Takes One

2007-11-16T18:30:00.001-05:00

It takes time, a very valuable time to fall in love with someone.
But it only takes one night to light the fire.

What starts as a premediated acquaintance initiated directly, can, in most cases, hold solid grounds and means to something that can be more than what it is.

Two people, in order to meet or acquaint, require a rather "Meets The Eye" introspect in order to initiate an approach. Fundamentally, anything that goes beyond that is in direct proportion as to shared motives and/or interest. Mutually, of course. So what starts as a night of no holds barred and just going with the flow, pure bliss, or just casually getting to know another, whether we want to admit it or not, is more than enough to feed fuel to the flame. The proverbial spark that ignites based on how well the two click.

Sometimes the good things we strive for may unknowingly be right under our noses, as it were. And sometimes, very rarely, are we actually aware of it. But in most cases, although the night spent with someone may have been evident enough of something that can be even more than you had expected, it takes time for the other to adapt to you. Even though you may be more easily adapted the other person, it is, in fact, a two-way-street and frankly, it does take time and good things come to those who wait, right?

He'll probably never know how intense my flame is burning,
but when it comes down to it...
I'm waiting.

Till Its Gone

2007-07-28T23:26:00.001-04:00

They say you don't know what you have until it's gone. They weren't kidding. It's hard to negate total control of any feelings you may have for someone, when acknowledging their relation to you and what has come out of it.

Timing is a crucial matter when it comes to surpassing the status-quo standard of the subtleties spawned when having the qualifications for a solid substratum; in which leads to the success and overall satisfaction when it comes to a relationship.

You're either ready or you're not; whether or not you are completely compatible is irrelevant because sometimes, the timing is just off.

And although it may sound hopeless, it actually isn't, if both parties acknowledge the good that may come out of it when they feel both as equally ready.

But what happens when the timing falls into the favor of what was initially desired, but something happens and the two are faced with a harsh degree of seperation? Namely when one is moving out half the country away.

Do they take what time they may have and try and work out something to the extent of which they can continue to see each other, if not completely BE together?
Do they kiss all the wonderful times they had and could continue to have goodbye and move on?
Do they remain in contact but only for the sake of acknowledging each others' presence?
Or do they let the test of time do its course and see where it leads them both?

Time is a valuable and underestimated principal in regards to the test of fate.
And more often than not, people are generally impatient when it comes to matters that gradually continue to break their heart.

Can't say you blame 'em, but maybe, in some sick, twisted design, it's a test of their connection... And in time, they will see just how fortunate they are to have each other.

Trait Off

2007-07-28T23:25:00.000-04:00

A personality is ascertained by the experience(s) you go through. They help contribute to the overall attitude you portray in general, every day situations. Essentially, this would be your "hook;" the very integral meaning as to why people are drawn to you. The Make-or-Breaker.

Representation is the ammunition for the gun, of which will be your personality and the characteristics you display. Ultimately, the deal-breaker, when it comes to a potential mate.

Primarily, what draws them to you is your outlook; perspective; and overall ability to handle what comes your way. What they see is someone who knows themselves very well; what they want; readiness and confidence. They see someone they'd like to know more of because frankly, they see someone they may have been searching for.

It's all fun and games until things heat up and the next step is bound to be taken... The moment that defines who has been true to themselves and the other party. Again - the deal-breaker.

It all sounds great and potent until, and this is guaranteed to happen more often than not, one of the two decides they're just not ready for the real deal. Maybe it's because they were just getting a feel of what's out there for them? Or perhaps it's more in proportion to "discovering themselves" in which case, supplements to the uneasiness and discomfort with one's self. Which, consequently, promotes an indecisive streak.

Although they do not mean to enforce any sort of mind-trip, but consequently, tension tends to build up and escalate negative energy, adding to what always breaks the deal. This goes hand-in-hand with their representation displaying false jurisdiction.

Anthematic patrons that practice masked identity for the socially anxious stop the acting, when they're confronted with the knowledge of biting off more than they can chew.

Balance in Twos

2007-06-10T21:11:00.000-04:00

A long while ago, I had a deep conversation with someone about the Soul-Mate concept. He mentioned to me that a while back, he had visited two Psychics, both female, who were madly in love. They conceived a very interesting concept that we're all angels descended onto the earth, though in halves, and that our soul-mates would be our other half.

I can't help but question the authority of Balance when investigating furthermore into this whole Soul-Mate deal.Essentially, yes, our Soul-Mate would be our other half, the half that completes us. But that's post-modern bullshit. Personally, I think if we're successful enough to keep a partner for longer than 2 weeks to 4 months, they may as well qualify for the Soul-Mate title.
But to get back on topic, I have one particular question I've yet to answer...

In regards to the whole Soul-Mate deal, and acknowledging the "Half" concept, are we looking for someone identical to our qualities or someone rather opposite?
Ultimately, I'd think that the "Opposites Attract" metaphor plays a larger part in our love lives than we know. In order to maintain balance, there has to be a positive and a negative; the ying and the yang.
So to answer my own question, and hopefully yours, I think involving yourself with someone displaying totally opposing characteristics than yourself is NOT a bad thing.

While they have their pros and cons, as do you, it helps negate any redundancy in having predicted any said matters or the relationship as a whole. Primarily, we go out of our way(s) trying to find someone to justify our very own being. Therefore, we juxtapose reality with a preconceived logic.
The logic being that of which we assume what would be our Soul-Mate, when in reality, is everything but.

Forget Zodiac signs. They only help predict a characteristic, rather than prove.
Go by what their Pros can do to help with your Cons, and what your Pros can do to help with their Cons. Which will ultimately add up both partys' Pros.

In order to gain balance, we have to let go of that bullshit idea that our Soul-Mate is our other half. Why? Because... It inclines they are our identical.

What we need is to focus on working together as a team with a significant other.

Forget familiarity. It's all too familiar. Instead, reach for someone you'd least likely see yourself with. I'm not suggesting throwing away every last moral or standard, but for the meantime, think outside of the proverbial box.

Why Wait?

2007-05-19T00:53:00.000-04:00

People always say it's best to take your time when involving yourself with another person, on a relationship-basis.

Normally I'd say I agree and that it's best to take your time to experience every aspect of your connection to this person and not just the sexual, but unfortunately, there's been an abundance of negative (if not hostile) responses to the infamous strategy.

I never do understand the conundrum of either wanting to take things slow, yet having absolutely no patience in doing so, to being granted taking it slow, yet disinterested in what may come.
Maybe it's all causality of A) desiring the unattainable, but completely fumbled by insecurity when the opportunity comes into play. Or B) being so burned by the journey to finding what you really want, that you've overall become uninterested.

They say the best things come to those who wait for it, but primarily, people are often blinded by their overwhelming passion for it, that they become incapable of determining right from wrong; thus far, promoting an often self-degrading habit of routinely yearning for the majority of what their experience(s) have been.

To make matters worse, they're never aware that the decisions they make and men they choose aren't exactly falling into favor of what they strive for. But that's mostly caused by becoming so accustomed to the negative experience, which the lack of positive experience(s) and result(s) tends to make that something you're unconsciously finding appealing, due to being so adapted to it.

Desperate Measures

2007-05-07T05:00:00.000-04:00

They say desperate times call for desperate measures.

In every person's life, there will come a time where a moment of despair prompts an irrational decision. The intentions are often pure, but contrary to what they have to do to resolve a dilemma, the results and consequences aren't always the greatest. And there are few, fairly rare cases where one finds himself in a rut; has multiple options; and still makes the wrong decision to get himself out of the situation.

Those are the kind that bother me.

It spins my head how, no matter how great of a thing you can have going on for you, you allow yourself to be overpowered by a present situation promoted by trouble. It spins my head how you can have the easiest, most righteous solution available yet, you still manage to succumb to the sheer idiocracy of having to resort to the other option(s).

Perhaps you're so caught up in the dilemma that the answer becomes so vague to see. Perhaps you're more used to doing things a certain way to overcome an obstacle. Perhaps your intentions were more deliberate... But I still find myself doubting my own self-worth and reasonable resource(s) because of one other's decision(s).

Perhaps it's the beginning substratum of what would be known as the "Center of Attention" and feeling the need to be the spotlight, or rather main character in the story. Or maybe it really is just a matter of not feeling worthy enough.

But the question will always remain...
If you love someone, shouldn't you do everything you can to be with them and make it work, than to swindle off to the likes of someone else because they qualify more for your desperate needs?

Vindictive Addiction

2007-04-30T15:47:00.000-04:00

There's a game people play... Namely couples, where it seems to be a competition on a standard of who can hurt who the most, and doing it so well, getting away with it.

This "game" is essentially triggered by an inevitable difference. It tends to more often than not be easy to settle, until one or the other notices an opportunity to exploit the prior bout, to "get back" at the other and even attempt to do it worse.

It's like a game of tag. Initially, it's supposed to end when the flag is thrown in or the two decide to grow up and move on. But in most cases, this game can be found appealing to one party and the game just keeps escalating.
Meanwhile, the victim reciprocates the vindiction. But no sooner than after, the two find themselves stuck: ping-ponging the effort to win the game of who hurts who worst.

Strangely, neither party is aware of this and find themselves continuing until there's nothing left of the (what would've been a) relationship to exploit.

Real-ationships

2007-04-26T23:20:00.000-04:00

Emotions are a tricky part in the game we call love.

There are the kind you feel, the kind you don't feel,
the kind you don't know if you feel, and the kind you don't want to feel.

When exposed to either of said matters, it's like opening Pandora's Box and struggling in a race to find balance. Balance, in this case, is a pendulum-esque exchange in power, or rather a reversal of roles... Ping-ponging responsibility and succumbing to compromise.

Where the emotions come in play, is the willingness to allow another person, for the sake of like/love, exploit your strengths and weaknesses to convince, if not manipulate you (in most cases) into this compromise.
Most people mistake emotions for those cookie-cutter high-school crushes we've all had; trading off reality for fantasy in an effort to keepsake childish endeerment.
But that's the fantasy of it.
The reality - less pleasing to embrace - is that a relationship isn't something you take for granted because of how it makes you feel, but rather what you can build and accomplish with this person, based on characteristics, logic, shared interest(s) and possibly even goals.

The topsy-turvy, though, is letting all the "stuff" in between cloud your initivate.
And it's that "stuff" that people often take for granted and allow to define what a relationship really is... Partnership.

The Emancipation of Me

2007-04-22T17:08:00.000-04:00

Where does one begin to explain himself, when asked to describe what he's looking for in terms of relationship ethics?
The problem isn't explaining it...
It is actually knowing what they want.

Particularly, I find no current interest(s) in being in a relationship;
No interest in the "One Night Stands,"
and indefinately no interest in the usual drama that tends to follow being in an emotionally-induced companionship.

It's not so much a disinterest in seeing someone, but rather a preference based on self-reservations and indulging in the little things, to compensate that of which they lack and desire, while sustaining a mutual comprehension of their worth to each other.

Essentially, I only want the smaller things to fulfill the lackluster:
Familiarity of seeing someone you get to know over time.
The inside jokes to help keep the bond entertaining, thus promoting a longer stay.
Sexual fulfillment, indulging in the acts without the aftermath of feeling rather whore-ish, because it took familiarity, laughter and common ground for the sex to happen...
Not a cocktail.

Thusfar promoting a naturally progressed relationship, with the solid substratum it takes to make it last.

Hide & Seek

2007-04-02T22:08:00.000-04:00

Wouldn't it be better to face your problems than have them chase you down?
I'd assume so. It only makes sense.

Actually confronting your problems, putting in the effort to resolve or even eviscerate them from your life provides a strong, legitimate sense of closure or rekindle.
While being a pussy and either running away, hiding or ignoring the issue(s) always finds its almost deliberate way of coming back to you.
Why? It's simple... Memories.

With good, there is bad... But for some reason, people are more scared of working on building a solid substratum for a relationship based on the Good, than trying to completely avoid that by basing an escape on the (mostly minor) Bad.

It's like a battle of the hearts. A dance, rather.
And frankly, it really does take two to tango.
(Not one putting in the most effort while the other...
really only reciprocates in an effort to avoid having to put in any effort.)

Just One Night

2007-02-07T18:56:00.000-05:00

Ahh, One Night Stands...
The ever so emotionally elusive aspect of human connection.

It's been a great mystery of mine as to why these One Night Stands are both so vile, yet so fulfilling. The answer? Expectation. There is none involved when indulging in the shameless act of a One Night Stand.

You're not putting yourself out there.
You're not leaving yourself vulnerable.
You're not worried about what they'll think.
You're not content on what will be afterwards.
You're simply making the best of one moment with a complete stranger, eviscerated from your daily troubles and worries because this moment...
Exposure at its best -- isn't focused on anything but the moment itself.
Living in the now, if you must. Going with the flow. Seizing the moment.

Comparing a One Night Stand to an average relationship's night of bliss shows as follows;

The One Night Stand:
1) Adrenaline -- Two utter strangers engaging in an act of sexual deviance without the exception of an open invitation for romance or emotion alone. Thrill-seeking at its finest; to be able to open and expose your sexuality to someone completely nameless.
2) Sexual Gratification -- Without letting your expectations lead you simply because this person is a stranger, opens you to a world of sexual decadence and pure ecstatic satisfaction.
3) Open-Mindedness -- For having being able to indulge in this act with someone you don't know. For having the drive and energy to let a stranger into you. For being able to get through the experience and find yourself wanting more. Enjoyment.

The Relationship:
1) Familiarity -- A sense of security in the aspect of knowing who you're sleeping with. A sense of belonging, for having this person to wake up to -- day in -- day out.
2) Routine -- Developing a pattern in the way things are done in the bedroom. In a way, though... It becomes rather redundant and boring. Vanilla, if you must.
3) Sensuality -- Raw emotion in conjunction with pure sexuality blending together to make it nothing different, in terms of fulfillment, to a night of the same antics with a stranger.

All-in-all, a One Night Stand is a very good resource to negate the sometimes lonely feeling one wo isn't in a relationship finds themselves in.
It provides sexual release, thrill, excitement, and a sense of belonging.

The one thing it doesn't provide is a sense of direction; hence Expectation.
And at the end of the day... You couldn't have it any other way.

Bilingual

2006-12-11T21:22:00.000-05:00

The only aphrodisiac I need is your voice
Hearing you speak my name
Beckoning me to answer
Telling me you want me
So I tell you that you're the answer to every question I've ever had about love
Without words I use my tongue to tell the tale of us
Tracing your shadowscape
Kneeling before you my eyes feast upon your masculinity and
All its divinity and I praise you
Because all of that is for me

I begin to indulge myself of your delicacies
Digesting semi-sweet dark chocolate decadence as it melts
Dripping down my chin
Your taste is something Godiva couldn't re-create

Needing every atom of your anatomy
Necessity is placed upon me knowing you are the source of my serendipity
Dipping in and out of me stroking more than my consciousness
Subconsciously I find myself rewinding our love scenes
In my daydreams
Seeing that face you make when you're making me cum
And it makes me want you right there and then

Thinking of you in inappropriate places I get
Tingling sensations in private locations
where I wish to be caught between a rock and your hard place
As wetness develops my legs begin to open and my spot turns to a backdraft
and all I want you to do is extinguish it
You know my body like the back of your hands
That touch me and send me into ecstacy

My thighs quiver in anticipation of deep penetration which gets me high
Body rising
Sweating
Panting
Make-up melting
Pulling my hair and
Scratching my back
I get a temporary case of tourettes because all I can say are four letter words in a four octave-range screaming your name
Aye papi,eres tan grande y tan duro y me lo das tan bueno,tu eres mi pecado mortal,cojelo otra ves....

You fcuking me makes me bilingual

I see your tongue pink between your lips and I want it between mine
And I struggle
As you lick torturing me
I try to get away but
Not really
Running out of room begging for more up against the wall
that has been scuffed by my stilletos
Again

You pry apart my thighs and tell me to be still
And I willingly submit to you because I love the way you dominate me
Demanding that I cum for you so I do as I'm told
You've molded me so I'm good to no-one else but you
You've conquered this once orgasmicless world and multiplied it
Again and Again

My face radiates with after-glow
My pillow scented by you
A fragrance which haunts me
My room smells of the best sex I...
Covered in body prints and finger prints and you above me
Your name written indelibly upon my body in your genetic history

You fcuking me makes me bilingual.

Me.

2006-10-18T12:33:00.000-04:00

Figured what the hell.
So this is what I look like.
Nearly 3 years of blogging and I haven't posted any pics.

Dinner and an... Epiphany?

2006-10-18T12:15:00.000-04:00

I was speaking with a friend this morning about men in general, and how you can pick up certain signals. Like the way men eat. You can tell a lot about a man by the way he eats, like what he's like in bed. Generally a guy eats when he's hungry, and he looks for sex when he's horny. And the way a man approaches a meal is very similar to the way he'd approach YOU.

So here goes:

The finicky eater - Well this pretty much speaks for itself. If he's grossed out by perfectly fine food that he's never tasted before and is just too picky to try it, you can be pretty much guaranteed he's not gonna toss your salad or "swallow".

The procedural eater - I've met a couple guys like this. They will eat all of one dish before moving on to the next item, one after the other. I even knew one guy who would rotate his plate counter clockwise to eat each item separately. After the third time sleeping with this guy you're gonna be suffering from some serious deja vu. "Didn't we JUST do this, um.. two nights ago?"

The Gourmet - OK, this one is a little more complex. He knows what he wants, and he usually knows how to get it. He's an expert and probably has some mad skills, but he's also gonna want the same in return. Sex with this guy would be worth it, no doubt, but be aware that he's not going to just cut loose and do what comes naturally, he has skills and he prefers to use them.

The Snacker - He'll eat a few bites then lose interest. Go back for more later, nibble at it. Yeah, he'll probably cum too fast or if he doesn't, he'll want to change positions constantly.

The Pig - This guy attacks his food like a starving wolf. Last meal EVER mentality. He probably grunts and makes noises while eating. A man who eats like this is gonna tear you up in bed.

The Savorer - He lingers over every morsel, experiencing every bite, rolling it on his tongue. He lavishes all his attention and utilizes his senses to become totally involved in his food. This guy is a fantastic lover.

The "EXTRAs" guy - He salts his food, then peppers it. He needs a pickle, or an olive, or something on the side. He puts sauce on everything, gravy. He adds bits of this and dashes of that, or even mixes his own condiments at the table. All I can say is, he probably has a drawer full of lotions, potions, oils, toys, dildo's etc. He likes the extra stuff.

The Games We Play

2006-09-08T02:56:00.000-04:00

It's a cycle of life really, if you think about it. Everyone masks their identities or certain parts of themselves, and more often than not, it's their hearts.
And sometimes, if not all the time, we get so caught up in this idea that we're creating a new form of being for ourselves, a new identity; persona, personality, a new hook... We allow it to define who we are.

It really isn't a surprise to me when certain truths are revealed. Mostly because I somehow expected it, or at least comprehend the reasons as to why it was done. But it spins my head how, after all unsaids are said and ammends are made; new leafs are turned and things start looking up... Bam! It makes a complete U-Turn and it's all over.

I like to think Fear has a major part to play in this whole revolution.
When you really think about it, fear itself is the reason these masks are put on to begin with. People tend to suffer a mild (if not moderate) case of insecurity; and frankly, it plays a larger role than you'd think.Reasons for masks can vary: Fear of rejection, fear of being hurt, fear of feeling inadequate, fear of opening up, falling in love, losing love and winding right back at Base Camp #1.

Masks are also used to hide certain characteristics a person doesn't like about them self, and thusfar giving them the opportunity to become someone they'd much rather be than whom they really are.

In terms of dating and relationships, games are played almost indefinitely.
I really don't think those who do play these games are out there to hurt anyone, but unfortunately the side-effect of having a Mask tends to play in that extact order: Representation, Admiration, Infatuation, Confrontation, Revelation, Disappointment, Breaking Up and evidently enough, Hurt. On both party's behalf.

Games are played because people can. Because it gives them the option to shield their emotions, get what they want out of someone or the actual relationship: sense of security, sex, remedy for loneliness, a grasp at love without the eventual heartbreak.
But what bothers me the most is how often it's played. How often these games are cultivated in the essence of the art of avoiding human emotion; as though they're attempting feigning actuality. And all for what? Fear? It's pathetic, really.

The testing of wills is simply being able to accept one's own flaws, and the flaws found in another person. Because nobody is perfect and fairy-tale romances are all but... Well, real.
You'll never have your fantasies become a reality and frankly, the most you can hope for is at least honesty and loyalty. Because without these facets, a relationship can never be successful for more than a few months (if not weeks.)

In the end, after all masks are taken off, games are shut down for the night, and that feeling of Loneliness comes creeping in... It really makes you question the authority of the art of the Mask and the Game that comes with it.

Finding Time

2006-05-13T02:21:00.000-04:00

Life, to me, seems like this abundant journey of aimless endeavours. You take a step, you find yourself stepping backwards. You plunge head-first ... and you still find yourself falling on your ass. All for what? The sake of Happiness? To feel 'Complete'?

It's always bothered me how many, if not all of us, need the presence of someone else to make ourselves feel 'complete' ... 'happy' ... 'whole'. What's worse is that you're never ever guarenteed a joyride. All you can do is hope, at least until you find yourself swallowing your pride, shot in the heart, at a loss of hope and feeling 'incomplete', 'unhappy' and not-so 'whole'. Thus begins the vicious, aimless cycle of what we call Life... Or at least Love Life.

That's exactly the story of my Love Life.

I started dating when I was 13. That being said, that is when I came out of the closet and began expanding my horizons as it were. And throughout the entire 5 years of searching and chasing something as insipid and vague as Love ... I still feel like a total fucking Noob.

I like to think people change too often. Not their style. Not their hair. Not their clothes. But their thoughts and maybe their emotions, too.
We set out for our 'journey' per sè, living life [or trying to] and finding what we would call Paradise. No, it's not an Island, actually. It's metaphorically used to represent a state of feeling Perfected and Whole, Beautiful and Happy.
And when we find something remotely similar, or even just as great ... We shrug it off and run away from it. Scared? Shit yeah.

They say we get wiser as we age but I can't help but notice how much more stupider human beings become, myself included. We're so indecisive and callous, uptight, arrogant, stubborn, naive. We're like the geographical substratum of all things Fucked.

So I'm bitter. Sue me. I've had my heart ripped out, stomped on, pulled apart, sliced and diced into millions of pieces all because I was unlucky enough to want something I thought would, uhh... Save me? Yeah. Love isn't gonna save anyone. Take it from a pro.
Only recently I've decided it's the last straw.

Your lover... kisses you and... you feel a tremor in the back of your knees.
The synapses fire, sending orders: "Move your legs, move your arms."
He's the one for you. He's the... man of your dreams. He's your... one and only... And you know, because... the smell of him makes your head swim, because... you get a physical jolt every time... he sends a glance your way. I mean, he touches you here... *touches neck*
and you feel it... here. *touches crotch*
You touch him anywhere, and you feel it everywhere.
And then... boom! It's 4 months later.
And he's wanting to touch someone else.
And you might say...
Hey, Riles... relationships end, lovers leave, leaving labyrinth of heartache and betrayal.
But is that it? Is our entire journey into finding Love just a big fucking Maze leading nowhere? Micked with trips and mines and all things as such meant to hurt you.

I know there's gotta be more to it than that.....
....there HAS to be.

Catch

2006-03-17T11:54:00.000-05:00

Human connection... Ahh, what a tricky concept. It takes major balls to actually let someone get to know you; to open up and eviscerate whatever barriers you may have -- for the sake of protection -- to let someone in and in hopes, be there for you.

No, that's not the tricky part...

I started talking to and seeing a guy. He's what you would call "The New Gay," He isn't exactly sure of his sexuality, although the interest level shows a bit obviousness to the dilemma, but it's the connection between him and I that really intrigues me.

I'm on a quest to find myself; What I want to do with my life, where I want to be, who I want to be, what kind of person I'd like to be for someone else.
And he's pretty much on the same damned quest.

What happens? The two connect. The see through the flaws and see the potency. They become mutual, if not emotionally connected, and develope an idea of a relationship.

The problem with connecting to others these days is thre fact that everybody is so tenuously protected of themselves. They've got walls bigger than the Great Wall of China... only... not.

So high-strung and obsessed with the idea that someone, out there, is out to get them.
And it's obvious what happens...
You become this self-important, pseudo-egotistical, conniving, condescending jerk to anyone unlucky enough to actually find you interesting. And of course, push-comes-to-shove when you're delirious.

I've managed to drop most, if not all, my barriers and walls; and in doing so, I've gained a great friend. More than that... I've gained a lover. Whether we're ready to wear that label or not, we both know it.

It isn't worth the drama and dismay, having all this protection. Because there is, in fact, someone out there to get you. More often than not, to catch you when / if you fall.

And if you've already fallen....
... Chances are they're there to pick you up.

Willingly.
Faithfully.
Wholeheartedly.

Question ? Mark

2006-02-05T19:20:00.000-05:00

There's no one watching.
It's just us. Him. Me.
The world is unimportant.
The world doesn't exist...
When there's us.
But no one's watching....

The question remains; 'What the fuck am I doing?'. It lingers. Sucks at me from the inside, knifes at me from the out. The subtleties that make otherwise decent human beings into psychopaths.
Neither of us know who we are. What we want. He has his life. I have mine. We've convoluted. But now what?
I'm not too sure of who I am because when I'm with him, there are several of me.
I'm me. I'm him. I'm who I want me to be. I'm who he may want me to be. I'm funny. I'm serious. I'm emotional. I'm numb. I'm sad. I'm happy. I'm ecstatic. I'm exhausted. I'm thrilled. I'm stressed...

but no one's watching.

It's this constant battle between knowing what you want, but not being able to have it.
Knowing what to expect, but not knowing the outcome.
Knowing how you feel, having to hide how you feel.

We exchanged "I love you" last night. This -- coming from a man who is completely new to the Gay lifestyle, whom has an image to uphold to his apprentices. A girlfriend of a Year and a Half. The strict, Catholic-Italian family. The oversexed hetero Friends -- to another man.

What am I doing?

Who Is Watching?

2006-02-03T23:51:00.000-05:00

No one's watching. Not me. Not him.
Not us. Nobody knows... but it's subtle.

There's something to be said when you're willing to drop your standards and boundaries, limits and expectations, to try and keep something working. Together. What's to be said? I don't know. Maybe it's saying you're desperate? Maybe it's saying you're a fool, a coward. But why does it feel so good? Why does it feel so good to see someone who leads a totally opposite lifestyle than yourself; maintaining a hotshot job, having a girlfriend of a Year and a Half, the bi-standard family and friends. The heterosexualism... until further notice.

Why does it feel so good to be with someone you're not fully sure you can have? Desperation? Despair? Loneliness? There's so many directions... no idea where to start.
No idea where this ends. Where the line draws.

But no one's watching...

Feign

2005-11-01T15:28:00.000-05:00

into the abyss, he plunges head-first without a sight, he closes his eyes. falling deep into nothingness, he screams for help... salvation... sanity, no one hears him. no one sees him. he's a foreigner, a ghost. unseen, unnoticed. he's nothing. unconscience, he's feigning his vows;
to never speak,
to never see,
to never feel,
to never know.
his life cycles as time stands still... he's a somnambulist. last wishes to last words, he has none... nothing to keep him together as everything else is falling apart. and these roads, they split off in opposite directions; exaggerating the barrier between who he is and who he wants to be. "abraxas," he says "i'm abraxas. the demon of lies and deceit." flayed and splayed, convolutions have escalated;
i'm everyone and everything.
i'm everything and nothing.
i'm not a liar.

"A Man's Worth"

2005-06-17T01:12:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since I've really done anything with myself.
Whether it be a haircut or new apparrel, or a "love life;"
Zilch. Nada. Zip. Nothing.

I've been contemplating what my "worth" is, per say.
What do I deserve? I have no idea. Nowhere to start.
Never Ending.

It seems that there's this transgression in the social scene;
Everybody seems to be hurried... no time.
Seems like nobody wants to meet anyone, find anything.
They've got it all figured out.

This is where I wonder... Where do I fit in?

I guess what I'm trying to say is; I've lost myself. Completely.
Everything I once thought I knew means absolutely nothing, now.
Kind of like I'm stuck in this social columbine; afraid to move.
I have that fear... The fear of getting "shot down," so to speak.

I'm a child.
Waiting to metamorphisize into my prime being... to evolve.
In hoping that someone, some day, will cross my path and
lead me to the right direction. There's no such someone.

It's not someone's job to consume, invade and spit out someone
else just so they can evolve. It's not what people want.
I can almost just write "Fuck Me" across my chest and walk
the streets naked... and if someone wanted to fuck me, I'll
say "Sure, Sure" and remember to Smile afterwards.
That's what people want.

....but is it what I want?

"On The Prowl"

2005-04-10T18:10:00.000-04:00

The lights all glimmered in such an entrancing pattern, as they shone upon the bodies on the dancefloor--keeping up the flow. They all bumped `n grinded upon each other so closely, in such a patiently obvious--yet--endearing, ecstatic motion.
Rythm was no downfall, as he knew he had the moves. It was the profound and esteemed act of getting his groove on, that seemed to have him stumped.
There was no statement to be made, as he had it going on.
But there's something to be said when something's going wrong.
There's a boy at the counter of the bar and he's looking for that 'Love'.
Against all odds, you'll see that he's not too far off.
He's downing drink after drink, he's over the hill, he's on the prowl.
But after each drink, if you look closely...
I lost myself.

"The Boy Who Cried... WHAT!?"

2005-01-20T22:25:00.000-05:00

I've found myself back in the rave scene a few months ago, and still... it's as entrancing (literally) as ever. Except this time, it's different. I've found a great deal of interest for someone I don't even talk to, at least not on more than a 10 word (TOPS) basis.

The whole thing started one night in November (of course, at a rave) when this guy: so gorgeous, so mysterious and a great dancer (what more can you ask for?); steps right in front of me and fondles with my mind with his morbid light-show expertise.
Maybe it was the drugs, maybe it was the fact that my emotional repression had me vulnerable... but what ever it was, had me wanting more. But of course, like most men, before I even found myself interested... he disappeared. I thought to myself; "Now what kind of sick fucking joke is this!?" and I also thought I could possible never see him again... but then I did.

A month, give or take 2 weeks later, I saw him again at yet another party. This time was different, because I was dancing and he came and danced with me. Of course, we properly introduced ourselves shortly after.

So he goes by "V".
I'm not sure what it stands for, but on that particular night... it stood for "Victim", because this time, I took the liberty in being the one who disappears.

I (might) have it all figured out.
"V" is someone who has a wicked game; he prowls, targets and delivers the bait. Not enough to get you full, but enough to know that's where to go for more. In a non sugar-coated way to say it... TO MAKE YOU FUCKING OBSESSED.

Yet another 2, maybe 3 weeks later... we acquainted yet again. It was different. I had eaten shrooms prior to going into the party and it really had a subtle effect on me. I was freaking Bi-Polar; going from Cool to Loser in a matter of seconds. Of course, that meant no dancing; no hype... just No.

Clearly he sensed something was wrong when he concisely asked if I was o.k. and clearly he knew more than me when he asked; "Bad Trip?"
This, coming from a guy I've only sort of met twice before, blew my mind --- given the fact that I, somehow, kept him interested enough to know me; even if not completely and just when I thought I couldn't be more right... he gave me his number.

Now I'm thinking; "Do I call or mimic his own game and keep it 'Hard To Get' ?"
And so I did... until the night of the next rave, last week, when I called him to see whether or not he'd be at the party (even though he would). But that wasn't my only intention.
I played it smooth; kept myself anonymous, mysterious and quite the smart-ass... thus Desirable.

So, at the party, I saw him. But he didn't see me... and I kept it that way until we walked right passed each other, when I gently knuckled him on the arm to say "Hey". Followed by a glorified "Hey!" and a hug in return... along with the words; "Were you the one who called me today?"
So, smartass me, scratched my chin and said "Maybe"...
He laughed.
I walked away and avoided him for the rest of the night but he seemed to find his way to me.

Asshole.

And finally, after successfully avoiding him again... I left the party early, and he hadn't a clue.
I have this insane scenario in my head, where at the next party, I'm at the peak of my best and finally get the balls to approach him. But if all else fails, I'll need a back-up plan....

So what's a guy to do?

"A Message To The Masses"

2005-01-19T22:42:00.000-05:00

We're building a culture in a society that can resist genocide. It is a culture of total resistance to mind-controlling maniacs. A culture of high-energy systems ridding of hippy acid-smiles and communism, waiting to be cleansed of people we can be.......
It's a culture that can take care of its people.

I'm just tired of this bullshit and I'm tired of people telling us we need to hide behind weapons. They're only plaguing the situation. They're not really doing anything for us, they're just trying to silence us. They think they're actually doing something.

This is the thing that people refuse to understand...
We seem to say that War is part of Human Nature.. We don't NEED to accept war. PEACE is REALITY, just as much as War is Reality. But for some reason, people are more scared of living with one another in harmony and looking out for each other than trying to kill one another. When both are just as equally attainable.

And what would you rather have...
Sitting there, looking at your brother; squared at eye-to-eye with a gun to his fucking hand...
Or would you rather look your brother straight in the eye and fucking shake hands and understand?
Peace is Reality.
and the only way that we're only going to be able to acheive this and let go of this bullshit idea that war is just part of human evolution and is completely discapable, is to let go. We need to LET go in order to be able to regain control.

And the Government...
They're the hardest group to infiltrate....
That's because the culture and the idea one can live by, can only be lived in total resistence to imperial disaster.

2005-01-03T18:12:00.000-05:00

“News of the Year”

Life and Death,
Rebirth and Redeath…
It all seems pointless when you try and find its value.

The good guys die because the bad guy’s got the gun.
The bad guy’s trial gets dismissed because he had enough money and/or power to convince his lawyer and psychiatrist to take part in his plea of Legal Insanity; or at least to convince the Judge he’s not a dangerous person—only because he’s helping his henchmen make a living.
Hence—Value.
People underestimate it and sometimes even overrate it—just to profit from it.
Hence—Power.
Frankly, you have it; if you have Value (a.k.a. Money, in Today’s world.)

On New Year’s Day, my mother had a minor Heart-Attack.
When I called her to check in on her, she had mentioned it wasn’t the first time…
And then I got to thinking about her Value to me—in terms of connectivity—on a scale of Emotions and Parenthood.
I never met my father and she wasn’t always there in my life as I grew up and became who I am today (even though I’m still trying to ascertain who—in fact—I have become)

In a world where background overlooks potency and power is only given to those who were born in the background with that certain eligible asset…
It’s no surprise when you and the family are the only ones who grieve for a sickly loved one.
Whereas if you had Power, Value (lowercase Money), and that fucking Background…
NY1 has you covered, literally.

Everything—Value, Background, Power—even accounts for who you’re eligible to date; Which unfortunately, makes my biggest mistake the one when I left the only person who ever loved me—for me, and not my fucking power or background but rather my value—to him—as another human being, trying to make it out; Alive, Well and Powerfully in love.

Life is full of surprises.
You can spite something (or someone) one minute, in the light of all they hadn’t done for you.
Or even for trying to do something; for you, for him, for “us”.
And then the next minute—it tests you, by either taking it away or warning you (via Heart-Attack) to take desperate measures and get your shit together.

But tell me…
Why is it everyone’s karma to pull together for the things that hadn’t loved you, and get taken away from the thing(s) or Person that did?!

After all my efforts, achievements and under-achievements; struggles, bouts, break-ups and break-downs; successes and short-comings…

I still don’t know who I am.
What my Value is.
Or even what Power(s) I have.

All I know is…
It’s time to take desperate measures.

2004-12-12T18:33:00.000-05:00

“Be Where?”

Over the weeks and months I have realized that Thou Shall Not Be Hurried. A good friend of mine, Nikki, and her ex-lover-to-be John have been going through this loophole of making-up-to-break-up situations. I looked at them and decided they have two options:

1) They can both stop reflecting their current feelings for each other based on what’s happened in the Past and work on what can happen in the Present, and the Future.
2) They can both just stop, period.

They remind me so much of my ex… the crash of the new millennium. They’re so in love but yet, so detached because of what has happened several times before and it seems no matter how much they do care for each other, and love each other, they just can’t seem to get around making things work. So they broke up, at least for now.

In the city of New York, where Holidays are celebrated for how much (in terms of Profit) something’s worth, rather than how Priceless (in terms of Value) it really is… it’s no surprise that you never really get what you truly want. We exchange Currency for Presents that don’t flock our interest; Inadequacy for Gift Cards at stores we don’t even like; Hatred for Greeting Cards that don’t really mean what’s written; and practically our Bodies for the sake of wanting to have someone’s company, rather than being alone.

It’s amazing the things we resort to just to have something slightly similar to what we want. People have sex just to feel wanted, and go on Dates just to have something to say for when they find themselves pummeled by lovelorn couples who ask if you’re seeing anyone special.
I’m not sure what I have to say for myself. I’ve been down the road and back up, I’ve dated almost every eligible bachelor there is and still come out biting my tongue because of the rather humiliating result(s). This is Life. You can’t be hurried, so you have to be patient. When you’re not in love, you have to be lonely (at least for the time being). And when you’re dying on the inside because Life’s short-comings make you feel as though there’s nothing out there for you… you ask yourself: “Where am I going?”

I don’t speak for the whole world, or even a fragment of the City of New York, but I do speak for myself when I say sometimes it’s the best thing to celebrate something special with you, yourself. You know… you! The body you’ve been born into and came into the world in; the person behind those eyes of screaming solace; the person who you’ve been for your whole life (literally) and gotten through the hardest of times.
I’m not implying that you should be some sort of self-important, egotistical prude but for crying out loud… why do we have to rely on others to gain this clarity? Why can’t we just thank life itself for whatever it’s given us, whether it’s good or bad?

As for me, well I’m not sure what I want for Christmas. But I do know that whatever it is that I want--can’t be any worse than what I’ve gone through.
But then I realized… I do know what I want for Christmas.

2004-10-18T16:38:00.000-04:00

“From Afar”

I’ve always assumed that the whole “Long Distance Relationship” was just another form of a Crush. You enjoy it so much, but you know deep down you can never fully have it, so you dwell in the feelings that have evolved from this though that’s all you can really do. But nowadays I’ve been clinging onto the idea that things really do happen for a reason.

Perhaps you meet somebody who’s so great and has everything you look for in a person, as well as everything in common with you, but the only factor is that they don’t live in the same city (or even State) that you do. But you can’t simply just forget about this person, because something this great can’t come along if it hasn’t a reason, right? Maybe “fate” took a wrong turn, where as in doing so; causes you to meet this person a little sooner than planned, or (to be more concise…) you were destined to meet this person, something was destined to evolve from this serene acquaintance but just not this very moment.

Maybe fate decided to take a shortcut and reach its way to you and show you what’s in store for you whilst in the process of practically being on the brink of giving up hope. Maybe meeting him was Life telling me to just hold on… he’s on his way. Or vice versa; maybe you’ll be on your way towards him? Whatever the circumstance… it’s bound to happen, just not this instance.

Everything happens for a reason, whether you believe it or not. Everything connects to something that changes the outcome of the battle, so to speak. There’s reasons why you can’t have something, reasons why you have to shut the fuck up and have a little patience. But for what it’s worth… it’s definitely worth something.

2004-10-10T17:33:00.000-04:00

"Spontaneous Schedule Combustion"

Making plans isn't something easy to do, so in turn; you become someone who's spontaneous. Someone who believe in making plans by the day, without scheduling ahead because you just might get let down. So what happens when you do, in fact, get let down by a "planned-ahead" plan? Let's say something occurs that causes this plan to be canceled, or postponed... or even rescheduled. What do you do now? Do you plan something else? Wait around for this plan to be capable of recurring and retrying? I wonder... do we keep schedules to avoid making plans?

2004-10-09T20:33:00.000-04:00

“E = Ecstasy”

Over the days, I’ve grown to realize what the word Chemistry really means, and what it implies. It isn’t just something you learn in school.
Recently I’ve involved with a man I met and everything is great (so far). We have practically everything in common, aside from the fact that I’m a party-goer and he’s a homebody type of person. But that doesn’t change the fact that our Chemistry shot through the roof (at least the roof of the car.) When we first kissed that night (in the car) it was amazing. He kisses like no other man I know. When we kissed, the car started steaming up, while every other parked car nearby had perfectly clear windows. When I got home after that night, I came to terms with what Chemistry really is. I figured it isn’t just a word that ascertains two people’s attraction or desire for each other, but it applies for what really goes on inside someone’s system, internally. I mean, think about it… when me and this guy kissed that night, the car started steaming up in the midst of our evolving anticipation to “know” one another, in terms of more erotic levels. Call me witty, but I think the word Chemistry was derived from something in the ancient times. Perhaps it was derived from the metaphysics of that which causes two people to involve themselves in these erotic encounters or activities. But when all’s said and done….
Chemistry: Laboratorial… or Hormonal?

2004-09-17T09:47:00.000-04:00

"Where To, Now?"

After a conflicting break-up, you come to terms with yourself; in terms of indulging in new ordeals, or even "flavors", persè.
It's a common fact that we all run away from anything that reflects any sort of similarity of a relationship, prior to this new dilemma.
But what bothers me is the fact that, eventually, you'll run out of "sample products" to try. So what happens when you've done it all, seen it all?
Do we simply go back to the prior retailers we've been to before, in hopes to find a new "product" to try?
Or perhaps we retry those in which we've tried before, giving ourself the audacity and the courtesy to give ourselves time to let it mold onto us, so to speak.

There's no stopping going back.
It's something inevitable.
We're always going to be curious, as to how well this "product" suits you.
But the tricky part is;
If we don't check back [in time], we could miss out on something that would've been great if you had only given it time to "prove itself", so to speak.
But say we don't make it back to this retailer in time, and this particular product you've been avoiding -- but want so badly, to benefit for the sake of your own happiness and satisfaction -- isn't there anymore.

What now?
Do you simply just give up and hope for something better to come around, or should you wait -- in hopes to find this certain thing you've been yearning for -- to come around for one last "sample", assuming of course you're ready to buy it?

Who knows where the roads will lead me, or even what departments they'll lead me into.
But for what it's worth.......
I'm ready.

2004-09-11T18:59:00.000-04:00

"Crossing Roads"

I looked up at the starlit sky last night and wondered how amazing it must be to be a star; shining so bright and bold and confident. Everyone notices you; pretty, independent, lively ... and beautiful.
Nowadays, nobody shines. We all do what we don't want, don't do what we should, do things we shouldn't. And to get to where you strive to be; you have to swallow your pride, take things lying down, and deal with it.
It's either this or nothing. Which sucks when you think about it, because in the process of getting to where you want to be, you practically have to degrade yourself and do things you don't want to do, and in turn; makes getting through it seem fucking impossible, frankly because you'd feel you're lying to yourself considering it isn't what you want.

All-in-All, you're left with a fork in the road.
-One path takes you absolutely nowhere because you remain on the path you started out on in the first place.
-Another path could potentially take you into something you're not ready for, which in turn; could mean possible failure considering you'd be so lost.
-Lastly, you can turn 180 degrees and head back to the very beginning, which sucks 'cause you're older and you have to start considering your future.

Either way you go, it's bound to come to an end somehow.
Whether you move on to something better, or whether you simply just fail.
It's something inevitable.
That's what bothers me though ... it's as if everything you do has an expiration date.
So how are you supposed to go on, in general, if everything you've put your efforts in are bound to end? Or better yet ... How do we ever know [or find out] if we expire?

There are things you can control, and things that you can't.
We usually just go with the flow and take whatever comes our way ....
But isn't it time we take matters into our own hands?

2004-08-28T21:14:00.000-04:00

“To Love or Not To Love”

Ever wonder what it would be like if you could only just grow up and accept something for how good it can really be, rather than juxtapose it for its flaws; minor flaws that don’t even change anything? I found myself in this particular epiphany recently. Think of it this way; you’ve got 2 options:

1) Enjoy how great this certain thing is, in terms of “Living In The Now” or …
2) Decline it for the most irrelevant flaw and miss out on “What Could’ve Been”.

(Personally, I’d choose the first one.)

Life is all about living in the now, so why not “live in the now” with someone? Why is it so hard for us to take something for what it’s worth, instead of brushing it off for the simplest, most incoherent reason just because it’s something different? Life’s too short to be picky. Life’s too short to waste it practically scavenger hunting for something to satisfy our Physical expectations, instead of satisfying our Emotional needs. We’re always persistently chasing after something that’s similar to a blast from the past. Henceforth why we should grow the hell up, get with the millennium, and – once again – “Live In The NOW”. So what if things will be different? Isn’t that what we’re all really craving … The “Spontaneity”?

2004-08-26T21:13:00.000-04:00

“Dressed To Thrill”

In the eyes of a normal person, you’d assume that they’re the sexiest or prettiest when they’re broken simply because it gives you the advantage at winning their hearts and making everything better for them, which in turn; makes the relationship pretty fucking strong. In the eyes of a horny stranger, you seem to be pretty damn hot when you have the whole “just had sex” vibe going on. It’s a pretty stupid transition when you think about it. When your Libido’s up, your Emotions are down. When your Emotion’s up, your Libido’s down. And people take advantage of whatever your appeal seems to be. But it irritates me sometimes, I mean … you show this or that, and people take whatever it is they see. What you see really isn’t what you get though. I believe that is such bullshit juxtaposition. There’s so much more to a person than what’s in front of you or what’s on the outside. There’s always the inside. Frankly nobody seems to give a shit or two about what’s inside of you, in a more spiritual and emotional level.

I met a guy about a week ago, his name was Corey, he was 28 years old, a writer and he really caught my eye. He glanced at me as I walked passed him and didn’t stop looking. Of course, little ‘ole me looked back quite a few times but I didn’t stop to talk to him because I had this instinct, a really strong instinct that he was only looking for a fresh piece of ass. But as I was about 40 feet away from him, he yelled out; “Don’t be so shy!”
I found it to be somehow romantic and unfortunately I got all giddy and gave in. I called him over; we talked, walked, kissed, such and such.
The night couldn’t have been any more perfect… but I was wrong; wrong about him.

Two days after that amazing night, he called me and asked me out. We had yet another great day, or at least half of a great day.
We walked for what seemed to be hours, talked, laughed, and kissed in between. We made a stop by the Hudson River and lay on the great, green grass. He took a snooze a few times, while I just watched and caressed him. I thought I was falling in love.

After a few hours of that, we walked some more; made a stop by a café and had something to drink. By that time, our sexual anticipation was high and it was then when he walked to the restroom when he called over to follow him in.
Sure, it was stupid of me to go in and practically have sex with him on the second date but what can I say? He was amazing.
We got in the restroom, which by the way was very clean and big, we stroked each other, sucked each other off, he fucked me and that was that.

Afterwards, it might’ve been about 8:30pm when he said he had to go.
My god did I feel like shit?! He fucks my brains out and decides to ditch me? Gees! It was as if he lost interest in what we’ve had together (emotionally) the night(s) before, after we had sex, which in turn; fulfilled his main initiative (sexually). It made my instinct completely right. What’s ironic is how he kept telling me how he never beats around the bush or sugarcoats anything. BULLSHIT! But in a way, I don’t necessarily hold this consumptively huge grudge on him. I mean, I dress sexy. Of course people are going to make the assumption that I’m dressed to fuck someone’s brains out or dressed to thrill. But that’s not the case. I don’t want that. I don’t want to be judge by my cover. Besides, I don’t want to have to always dress so gloomy and grim just to finally have what it is I want … Love. It makes me wonder though ….. When you’re out there looking for whatever it is you yearn, why should there have to be a dresscode?

2004-08-11T20:51:00.000-04:00

“Dishonest Honesty”

There once was a man that had it all; Great friends, a great love, great career. One morning, he woke up and he lost it all. He stumbled and fell face first and lost grip of that which he once had. Yeah, I was that man. I used to think that I had it all, but in thinking so; makes everything I have absolutely inevitable. You can lose it all with the slightest hesitation. So how do you ever play for keeps if everything you’ve kept just isn’t fully for keeps? How can you have that plunging grip if you never really had a hold of something in the first place? See, the thing is; you can’t ever understate the obvious. Let alone stating it. Or else things will eventually flail. It’s like karma… you really have to be careful what you say. Sometimes I wonder if you have to be careful of what you say, or what you don’t say.

In a relationship, perse, there’s always something that’s left unsaid. And when stated – can mean abomination to the relationship. I suppose what we don’t say is clearly the truth of the subject-matter, and when alls said and done; hostility of what has been said prevails and causes commotion within the relationship. Thusfar – the relationship could end.

It gets to me sometimes. They say the best thing to embellish a relationship is Honesty. But how can we ever be honest with the one(s) we care about and love if it can risk EVERYTHING? How can we ever make a relationship work if the only factor that would make it work comes at a deadly price? It really makes me think … people say they’re never too sure if they ever really know somebody. But tell me; how can we ever know somebody if all the unsaid is unsayable?

2004-07-22T22:43:00.000-04:00

“Love, The Easy Way”

When you find yourself jilted by relationships, you normally decide that maybe it’s time to stop being so dull and serious, so you entertain yourself with One Night Stands. I’ve noticed over the days that all ye who become Jilted, seek one night stands. Which in turn; makes every person out there who seek one night stand a jilted spirit. Now what would happen if every person who seeks that One Night encounter would open up to their flings? Perhaps all these narrow-mindedness creates a rift between what is possible and what isn’t? Or perhaps we’re all just too one-sighted and stupid to actually comprehend the potentia. See the thing is; When you involve in these insipid one night encounters, you assume that all the person is seeking is just plain old meaningless sex. But that’s not the case. Perhaps they’re also tormented, so they use Sex as a way to make themselves feel better [about themselves].
Take 2 meaningless sex participaters, mix ‘em up in some meaningless fun BUT add some emotion to it. Could the posibility of Human Emotion prevail, even amongst the midst of Sexual Anticipation? Oh it’s possible.
It seems fun to casually involve in these feeble, meager and meaningless acts, because there wouldn’t be any consequence of putting your heart out on a platter and getting it practically EATEN. But the truth is; everybody needs a little lovin’. Face it.How else are you supposed to live this life, when the true meaning, power, and beauty of it is Love?

2004-06-29T13:26:00.000-04:00

“Overruled”

In the dating game, everybody always wonders how they can approach a potential mate, how they can talk to them and intrigue them. There's nothing to it really.
Ever notice how during certain social occasions [mostly parties] you and your buddies seem to have the most intellectually stimulating conversations?
That's basically all there is to it.
You let them bring up a subject-matter, you question it and challenge it with your theories and intellect.
Thus far bringing intrigue and desire and interest, rather than your average loathsome male/female characteristic.

His name is Richie.
I met him awhile ago during a social party between me and some close friends.
He came in and we all had at least 13 conversations.
He sat next to me, making odd twitch-like body gestures, as if I was making him uncomfortable, or possibly even turning him on.
Even though I was pretty shitfaced, I noticed some potency.
After ever theory I talked about with everyone, he seemed to move closer and closer to me.
I remember feeling his knees clicking with mine, and remember him staring at me, watching me, listening to me; intrigued, enthralled, obscure, unsure, aroused, infatuated.
Long story short ---- by the end of the night, his arm was around me and we ended up kissing, and now we're together.

See, the thing is; you'd expect that talking so much drives people away.
But the truth is, it doesn't. It actually brings them closer.
You can talk about the simplest matter, such as music or whatnot, and challenge it with your theories and put it to the test with your skill in dialect.... and it works.
Normally people would think that maybe if they shut the fuck up and let THEM do all the talking, maybe they'd perceive you as somewhat submissive and not so limited.
But actually, talk ISN'T cheap.
How else are you supposed to meet people if you limit yourself to THEIR expectations?

2004-06-13T16:46:00.000-04:00

“They Shoot Horny People, Don't They?”

Everybody makes such a big deal about Virgins. As if it's anything Special. I mean, all it is is yet another clarification, reminding you that you're clearly missing out on a great ordeal. Sure when you're a Virgin everything's so pure and innocent but that's no reason to deny sex just 'cause you want the "first time" to be something special. Face it, everybody's "first time" wasn't all that special, fortunately because I'm pretty sure the person that they had their first with isn't their lover any longer. Yeah, we get mugged of our virginities whether we like it or not. So why make it such a complacent matter as to "giving it up" to someone special? It's gonna be lost one way or another. It's a short life... there's no time for specialties. Everybody should be experiencing as much of things as they can, 'cause before you know it... you'll die knowing you've missed out on something grand. Sure, sex doesn't seem all that fun but how the hell would a Virgin know?

Deal with it, this is the millennium. Everything is revolving around Sex and Publicity that eventually... the population of Virgins is decreasing inexplicably. Sex can still be "special" when it's with that special someone. Spare yourself the tired wrists.

2004-05-30T16:16:00.000-04:00

"Votre Meilleur Critique"

I've realized over the months that you shouldn't really underestimate yourself, in terms of advantage(s). As they say; "Don't Judge A Book By Its Cover". You shouldn't really judge yourself for the way you look. Sure, you may not look the way you want to, but as time goes by you'll understand that it's not the Looks that matter, it's how you use them for your advantage. People will think different things about you. Whether it's discriminating or reassuring, and you can't stop it. So why try to fight it when you really should just let them talk? It's not like they know you. Let them judge. It'll be so significant to know that they're pulling these cruel judgments and awry comments out of their asses. How much can they fit in there?

Sometimes in Life, you can only let down your guard so severely that evenutally those critics will get under your skin. What happens when they do? Do you simply just give up on all things stable in your life to indulge and weep over the few things that aren't? No. You take a break.

I don't really have much more conflict(s) to write about, but that's only because I let those critics get under my skin. But I decided to turn the tables, and decided that it's about time I got under their skin. Not by cowardice gestures or crucial actions, but by being ME. The me that they've been locking away for so long. The only critic that actually matters is yourself. You are your own critic, whether it's for better or for worse.

Normally I'm the guy who has the answers, followed by the Questions that lead you to decide whether or not the answer is relevant. But today, I only have answers.

I've realized that "I'll Die For You" is just yet another encoded mea culpa, as opposed to saying that there will come a time in a relationship where it's time to call it quits, but someone's going to have to be the one to step up to the plate and make that call. Sure, one will be guilt-ridden and the other will be set free but when you put things in perspective.... For better or for worse, right?

Marriage isn't just selling yourself short, it actually does justification, in terms of your feelings for your partner. But sometimes it actually takes marriage for your partner to believe you. To have that closure.

We will try to get back with our partners after a break up, but it's only human nature. There is no fine line that justifies what you feel and what you should feel. As I've said, you are your own critic. Sure, it'll seem masochistic, being that you keep falling into that loophole. But if it's for love, why try to fight it off, rather than trying to make it right, make it work.... make it last?

A select few denies off Sex, because to them it kills romance. But the truth is; sex makes things work. There will come a time when the relationship gets calm and dull and it seems as if all the "Fun" is irrelevant. But the only way to break through that cycle is to remind your lover, and yourself, of the fun you both once had. And apparently, Sex is the only way to unlock those memories from the dull burden they've been hiding in.

We may or may not know who our lovers really are, but why should we try to figure things out when we aren't really supposed to? We may think we really just make a Friend when we involve in a Relationship but for what it's worth... isn't it nice to know that you have both an Amazing lover and an amazing friend?

We'll involve in a lot of break-ups and come to terms with our feelings for our partners. We'll feel obscure to the fact being that we're either still in love or obsessed, in terms of "Holding On and Letting Go" but the truth is; it isn't easy to just FORGET your lover. It isn't easy to simply just LET GO of something that was once so grand. To me, it seems as if we've all become Patience-Intolerant. Let time heal your wonds, not Sex.

Commitment does seem dull but the truth is, we're committed to EVERYTHING. Whether it's our fashion sense, our diet, our jobs, friendships, relationships. Commitment is everywhere. So why do we try not to commit? It's not as if we're selling ourselves short. So how bad would it be to commit to one more thing?

There will come the times where you debate whether or not to trust your heart or your mind but the truth is; let your mind do the thinking, and your heart-the feeling.

I used to deny off all these things as if they would've been the death of me. But the truth is; it's the rebirth of me.

Over these days, a part of me has died. The part of me that didn't know how to live, how to love, how to have fun or how to trust.
I've realized that there's always a catch. But that wouldn't be the problem. The problem would be what you're willing to bargain for that auction.

I sold myself way too short. I was in debt--emotionally.
But I payed my debts and put all the pieces together.
And then I had a thought.....

If you can't help yourself out of the problems that disturb you...

who will?

2004-05-21T19:12:00.000-04:00

“Fictif, Libido, et Ennui”

Love... it's quite the tricky emotion. You never really know if you're in Love or if you're just in Lust. They say that Love is an emotion, but sometimes I often tend to question that ideal because in my belief; Love is just a word, and the only time it means something is when it has a purpose. People say that they're in love because the guy is extremely nice, kind, sincere, ect. and is great in bed. Minus all the other outcomes; is “great in bed” the only thing that we have to justify our emotions? I remember the days when “love” was so much more easier, because all that really mattered was a good night kiss, or the simple gesture of holding hands. But nowadays, Sex is all there is, or seems to be. And it complicates the shit out of everything because it gets us so confused to the point where we debate whether or not we “love” the person, or whether we simply just “love” how great they are in bed. Sex is an abomination of the human emotion(s). Not only does it confuse us, in terms of what our feelings for our partner(s) are, but it also stirs up emotions --- so much to the point where we get obsessive, possessive and overall; psychotic. We all seem to play Limbo. We try to balance out what the difference is between Love and Lust. In my belief, there is no difference, for the fact being that “relationships” are supposed to be all about having fun. But when the hell did we get so serious? I wonder...... When it comes to reading between the lines, how are we supposed to know what “line” we're supposed to read between if we don't even know where we stand?

2004-05-14T13:01:00.000-04:00

“Let There Be Love”

There once was a young man who always wished for love. Although, whenever he got what he wished for; he would always seem to push it away. And whenever he didn’t have it; he’d strive for it and thirst for it... it pumped in his veins. One day, the young man ventured to the beautiful city of London, his hometown, as a way to get away from all the dramas of his life. He was amazed by the beauty of the town, by the sincerity of the people and how welcome he felt. He met a man who worked at the hotel he stayed at, and he fell in love. Not to mention, he has a boyfriend back in NYC who’s waiting for him like a puppy; who’s all alone in the house waiting for his owner to come back. And that’s when it happened, when all things stable in his life were fucked with by the art of wanting things too much too soon. The young man was me. I decided to go to London as somewhat of a vacation but in turn; it turned into a disaster. It seems as though whenever I’m available, in terms of a Relationship Possibility, I don’t seem to get across that bridge. But when I’m not available, meaning I’m in a relationship, possibilities fly at me from left and right, and corner me. His name was Tygh; a very good-looking Londoner whose never-ending charm and sincerity won my heart. To make this long story short; I left London with a broken heart and came back to NYC, to my boyfriend, in hopes that he could put the pieces of this broken heart back in its place. Sometimes I wonder why everyone’s karmic destiny is to be pulled off of the rug under us. We yearn for a relationship when we want/need it, and for some odd reason --- we can’t attain it. But when we’re in a relationship and happy; the haunting disadvantages of our past misshapenness seems to hunt us down and shit on us whenever we’re happy. At first, I thought it could only happen in the form of an ex boyfriend. But now I realize that you really SHOULD be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it ---- right up the ass. I wonder.......... should we just fuck off?

2004-05-11T19:42:00.000-04:00

“Success and the City”

A few months ago, I decided to take a trip to London. The only problem was; I couldn’t decide when would be a good time to go. So, two days ago; I took the plunge. I got off my ass and bought a ticket for the next flight to London. The flight was somewhat long but it was re-assuring to know that I was unofficially taking a vacation. On the way to the airport, I traveled across several bridges and I got to thinking. They say that as you grow older, you create this metaphorically symbiotic “bridge” that reflects on your success; how you’ve grown, what you’ve grown into, and how successful you’ve become. What really makes me wonder is; cars travel back and forth across bridges... what’s going to stop us from going back? At one point, I even came to the conclusion that in terms of success; we build these “bridges” as a crossing or path to our success. But our success isn’t necessarily original considering someone else achieved the same thing(s) we did before us. So, how do we ever know if that’s our bridge? Or if it’ll take us home? They also say that there’s a fine line between loneliness and happiness. Whether that line reflects on the act of being in a relationship, or whether it is based on counting and relying on yourself; prior to being in a relationship; to chase after your dreams and goals. Seemingly, there’s a fine line between everything. There are bridges, sidewalks, boundaries, and even those painted line in the streets that prevent cars from intersecting each other’s paths and crashing. It makes me wonder.... where’s the painted lines that prevent us from infiltrating someone else’s path?

2004-05-07T18:59:00.000-04:00

“Something Surrogate”

The greatest romances of all times were consisted of two individuals who started off as Friends. As the deep, sincere connection progressed... they began understanding the dilemma. They’ve both evolved a more emotional feeling towards each other and debated whether or not to risk the great Friendship to progress into their newly found love for one another. Sometimes I wonder why relationships, circa NOW, can’t be that way. It seems as if nowadays, we throw ourselves into a relationship with whomever we seem to find interest in without so much as having a Friendship first, as if being lonely isn’t hard enough. We meet someone and we instantly decide that this person is “qualified” for a Relationship. Sure, jumping right into a relationship seems fun and all, considering we learn more about the person as the relationship goes on. But shouldn’t we learn more about the person before we get serious? That was my problem. My ex and I jumped right into a relationship because we fell in love instantly, but as the relationship procrastinated; we realized that it was too much too soon. And of course, it fell apart. Sometimes I wonder why we all let our libido make the choices our hearts should be making. I wonder.............. Instead of looking for a boyfriend, shouldn’t we be looking for a boy friend?

2004-04-25T15:00:00.000-04:00

“First IS the Worst”

In every person’s life... there’s a first for everything. There’s a first step, a first word, a first kiss, first dance, first time having sex, and even a first love. I’ve been wondering over these days why we can’t seem to attain something similar to our firsts. We throw ourselves out there exposed and vulnerable and never seem to take consideration to analyze and think about what we’re doing. We fell in love for the first time ages ago, and as all relationships -- it failed. But something about that first love never seems to fade away. It always haunts us and gives us the motivation to find more from where it came from. The only problem is -- we’ll never know where it came from. Lately I’ve been debating the ups and downs of this epiphany. Our first love was grand, up. It fell apart, down. It gives us inspiration to involve in another relationship, up. But as always – all relationships fail, down. It’s pretty funny when you think about it, I mean, here we are – lusting for our past. It’s as if we’re still clinging onto what we should be getting the hell away from. Maybe that’s the real reason as to why relationships are so hard these days. We constantly seek something close to one of our past experiences, something so grand, so pure. We strive for that same kind of warmth we felt when we fell in love for the first time. We want this, so it can feel innocent and pure and perfect. It seems as if nowadays, we’re not really searching for Love, but rather the innocence of that particular relationship. One minute; we’re trying to get away from the past. The next; we’re running back to it. It makes me wonder.............. Where the hell are we going?

2004-04-23T19:27:00.000-04:00

“Solo”

Its funny how there’s a cure for colds, flues and fevers. But there aren’t any cure(s) for loneliness and despair. When little children cry; people naturally react quickly to find out what’s wrong. Whether they’re hurt or sick; people become concerned. But when it’s us; the adults; we cry alone because naturally --- as grown ups --- we’re taught to mind our own business. It’s quite pitiful how there’s medical procedures for broken bones and wounds, but none for broken hearts or a third degree emotional burn. Nowadays, when adults cry; we’re considered to be fucked in the head or something. Rumor has it that Unity is the World’s greatest disadvantage, which by fault --- is true. Why can’t we be offered a tissue when crying, a band-aid when wounded, and love when alone? Why do people always rely on what’s inside the box for a cure for their emotional crises, when there’s a whole world out there that can potentially offer better support --- if we just gave it a try. It’s weird how when we’re OK with ourselves, we yearn for more. But when we’re lonely, we want to be left alone. It makes me wonder........... There’s a whole world out there, why does it have to be this way?

2004-04-22T22:21:00.000-04:00

“Me, Myself, and Why”

It’s funny how you want things so much more after realizing that you can’t have it. I found myself in an epiphany; the world is consisted of two groups --- The Attainable and The Unattainable. It’s rather ridiculous how we never find interest in the things we can have, that we can afford, whether it’s clothing, or food or just these little things that please us. But when we come across something we can’t have; such as a man, we obsess and become these mental cases. It seems to me that the world has become an asylum for us, and the issues and obsessions are our treatments. We settle for less when we can’t, and settle for more when we shouldn’t. We expect more when we have less, and expect less when we have more. It’s a goddamn conundrum. We live in this cycle that consists of Voids that cave us in due to our undesirable desires. It seems as if nowadays, we’re all settling for what we can’t have. In my present situation; I’m obsessed with the only person who’s ever made me become obsessive, and I don’t even know why. I hardly know the guy, and the things I do know aren’t enough to make this ‘obsession’ eligible, or pre-qualified. Could it be that since he’s the only one who’s ever made me feel this way, is making me obsessive, or just the idea that I can’t have him? I wish I knew, otherwise I’d put an end to this self-consuming situation. It makes me wonder.......... Why do we continue to want what we can't have and neglect what we can?

2004-04-22T22:01:00.000-04:00

“The Verdict Is In”

Guilt is everywhere. Whether it’s the shame of a self infliction, or the common regret of an obscure or an unwitting – misinterpreted regret of an unguided, mischievous conflict inflicted on someone you care for. Guilt haunts every human being, even when something isn’t your fault. What happens when something is your fault, but you don’t seem to feel the feeble regret or sorrow for the false action? Is it Denial that blocks out these simple and needed feelings, or just the idea that it is your fault that causes you to become chaste? When it comes to Guilt........... Since when was Innocence ever in the picture?

2004-04-15T23:01:00.000-04:00

“The Board of Regulation”

Insecurity is the world’s number 1 issue. We’re insecure about our looks, our weight, our sexual performance... etc. Amongst all; we’re all bound to be put in an Insane Asylum. We’ve got issues beating us up from all corners. We’ve got; Insecurity, Obsession, Stress, Depravity, Angst. Sometimes even our RELATIONSHIPS are even issues. In the city that never sleeps, where anything’s possible. Could “Issues” be contagious? I mean, here we are; throwing ourselves out on a limb with everything imaginable; food, appearance, living arrangements, sex, relationships, and sexualities. Sometimes I wonder why we have to go through all of these issues just to get what we want, or at least something close to what we want. Maybe it is contagious. Maybe everyone else’s problems somehow become a conflict on us. But if we have to deal with all this... what’s it all worth? We’re constantly battling against issues and it seems the more we conquer, the more they come. Maybe we should just fuck off. 1 Issue Down – A Lifetime more to go. I wonder; if we’re all infested with all these issues................... what the fuck is wrong with us?

2004-04-06T22:13:00.000-04:00

“That’s Just The Way It Is”

A wise, inept man once said; “To Each His Own.” It’s the most honest figurative phrase. Everybody has their own beliefs, theories, judgments, and concepts, point of views, stories, and gestures. We all have our own perspective as to what we think happens around us. For instance; lately my friends and I have been debating what ascertains Mental Syndromes. Such as A.D.D., B.P.D., O.C.D., Sadism, Masochism.... even Emotional Unavailable-ism. To be more precise; the guy I find myself rather infatuated with has a few loose screws in his head, supposedly. They all say this and that.... make it so quick and easy to pass judgment and theories. Me, on the other hand, knowing that I put the Break in Breakdown; I try to analyze the concept more. See, the guy I’m ‘Head Over Heels’ for isn’t who everyone thinks he is. Sure, he’s been committed in an asylum before; sure, he has some violent tendencies. Maybe this is just who he wants to be known as to others; to scare them off, that way they don’t get too close to him and figure him out, point out his weakness and exploit him. Maybe he’s been tainted in the past by something so obscure that he’s too ashamed to admit and exploit and expose. It got me to thinking; considering the hypothesis that every human being has some sort of mental malfunction; maybe our flaws are our advantages. Maybe Obsessive Compulsive is really just the art of being very artificial and kind hearted, maybe Attention Deficit is really just a way to get others to socialize some more. Maybe Borderline Personality is a way to get the world to realize the difference between Truth and Fiction. And maybe Emotional Unavailability is way to figure yourself out before you let anybody in, which in doing so too quickly can cause a train wreck. Maybe nobody is meant to be perfect at all. In fact, I believe that our imperfections are what make us perfect. Our flaws scout throughout the cities amongst others and cause an effect so impacting that the true perfection is finding it in our flaws to make things work. Sometimes I wonder why we’re all so Reality-Impotent on certain degrees such as this one. When it comes to decaying from our flaws........... are we really just trying to escape ourselves?

2004-03-28T21:43:00.000-05:00

“The End of an Era”

Today, me and Jason had a never-ending settlement... but it ended, literally. We decided... well, I DECIDED, to move on, let go, forget, and relive. He couldn't come to accept that because he's such an Obsessive-Compulsive PRICK. He's over there thinking he can string me along for another year just cuz HE feels it's right. It's always about him, never about me. He never ONCE took any considering as to how I feel, what I want... what I need. He thinks he's the center of the fucking universe. And everytime I tried to break it off, completely, and officially with him... he somehow found a way to lure me in, to carry me through the loophole all over again. This time I'm through. I realized what he really is..... a fucking sentimental, ego-centric, self-important, pompous PRICK who tries to get everything he wants... and when he realizes he CAN'T... he turns into a fucking schizophrenic, an A.D.H.D. case, and overall.... a different person. I never really loved HIM. And it's ironic cuz before we said our goodbyes, he called me a liar; saying that I never loved him... but pretended I did. Maybe he's right. I never loved him..... but that's only cuz I never got to know the REAL him without him always having to change his personality on me, just to try to fit into my standards... just to try to fit in -- in general. I was a fool to actually think that he may be the one, that I may spend the rest of my life with him... that Fairy-Tale endings actually DO exist. Because they DON'T. And now I finally realize that. I don't know what to consider him to me... an ex? a former friend? or possibly even my psychotic patient? HA. Who knows. It seems to me that he tried to use me to try to figure himself out. As to what he wants, where he stands.... who he is. And I didn't realize that until after we OFFICIALLY broke up. For better or for worse? For better. It kinda mad me feel bad for the fact being that he was pretty loyal even while I was trying to break up with him, officially... I mean; he was telling me what he thinks is right; for us to fight the issues and whatnot.... but then I remembered that he's a raging split-personality disorderly, and totally flicked him off. Hell, I even told him to forget my name..... but only because he called me a liar. Which was harsh, on both our parts. It's true... I never loved him. The real him at least. But then again..... do we ever love somebody for who they really are? I have a thought...... they say we never really know the one we love, which is true..... but when you think about it, how can we EVER really know someone if we keep setting these standards, that causes them to try to live up, own up, and fit in to those 'standards' ?

2004-03-28T16:25:00.000-05:00

“Secrecy and Publicity”

Everybody wonders why Gays and Lesbians are so over-sexed. We’re claimed to be the most promiscuous of all forms of beings. People pass judgments so easily without even taking any time to understand or comprehend the truth behind our actions. We’re not over-sexed at all; in fact... we’re no more sexed than Heterosexuals. It’s just that we’re not as discreet as heterosexuals, so of course people are going to toss their juxtapositions and pass judgments. We all seem to be overly sexed because nobody ever knows what goes on behind OUR closed doors, for the fact being that we’re constantly battling publicity and crucial comments that we tend to hide our lives and keep it in the dark. Hey, it’s not our fault that we’re not as free as heterosexuals to publicly display our affections towards our lovers. The truth is; Gays and Lesbians don’t have the equal freedom as Heterosexuals to display our emotions, our desires with the public without having to enter this never-ending battle to defend our human rights. Everybody looks at us and condemns us with their petty comments and rude judgments, enough to the point where we have to reconsider whether we want to put up with the bullshit or not. So by hiding our lives away from the publicity, nobody ever really knows what goes on with us considering we’re not as public about the whole ordeal as others, DUE to the fact that nobody can ever accept us as equal human beings. Everybody wonders what goes on behind closed doors as if it’s any of their god damned business.... and when they realize that they’ll never know, they often tend to make false assumptions and pass it on to the public. When it comes to publicly displaying ourselves.... in a world where people bitch about not being able to find love.... how can we EVER find love if we always have to hide behind ourselves – blocking out the best of us?

2004-03-26T20:44:00.001-05:00

“Shit Happens”

Life can be so hard at times. It seems as if everything we do is a struggle. For instance; we struggle to sleep, we struggle to keep a relationship alive, we struggle even to take a shit... sometimes we even struggle just to live. Life itself is this never-ending maze, where every turn we take, can lead to an even bigger puzzle to solve. That’s why we need to plan things out and stick with the initiative. But what happens when we don’t want to stick with the initiative, due to the fact that – we’ve lost interest? Sometimes there comes a time in life where we challenge ourselves; our ideals; our beliefs, by luring ourselves into these radical experiences. Experiences in which can change the outcome of the battle, so to speak. Sometimes we’ll hit a point where we have to debate the outcomes through KNOWLEDGE, rather than Experience. And yet, it’s funny how they say Experiences lead us into the world we make for ourselves. Can you say Bullshit? I can. We’re not ALL bounded by these decisions. We have the option, and the opportunity to make the effort to make the change. “The context is stronger than the concept.” Everything is a maze, believe it or not. But we have the ability to change that, to make it a revealed, golden path. For instance; say your main initiative was set to getting over an ex by going for something similar to the relationship, considering the fact that the relationship was possibly golden. But what if we challenged our main outsets and went the opposite way? What if we forgot about our beliefs for once, and went through the other door? We can’t always follow our beliefs. If we do, it’ll DEFINITELY cross out any radical experiences we could’ve experienced. “You can’t judge a book by its cover.” Damn right. You even can’t judge a Door by its cover.... or something like that. Sure, our main initiatives may seem fun and interesting and safe.... but that’s all they’ll ever be since we never consider walking through the other door(s). Everybody reflects on experiences, and sometimes people experience the same thing over, and over.... again, and again. That’s why there’s always that other door. It gives us the option, the chance to change everything. We all need new flavor, new taste, and new experiences.... but how can we ever obtain these particular things if we’re all so content, so complex on following our hearts, rather than our minds?

2004-03-19T20:02:00.000-05:00

“Singled Out”

New York City is the place to be when you’re single. You’ve got the fine bars, the exciting clubs, the peaceful coffee shops, and even an ex boyfriend. Everybody claims that they enjoy the single life, for the fact being that they can have as much fun as they want. But when you really think about it and take a deeper look into the whole concept, you realize that they’re only having this so-called ‘Fun’ because they need something, even the slightest bit of distraction to keep from melting down due to a break-up. What happens when you’re the type who doesn’t want to have fun... who doesn’t believe in running away from things as much as approaching? People say being single is the best thing, but I’m pretty sure they miss the feeling(s) they have when they wake up to a lover right beside them, when they fall asleep with a lover right beside them, when they have someone to hold onto, someone to rely on, someone to miss, someone to call, someone to love. Being single isn’t all that great when you think about it, I mean, yeah sure... it can be fun for the time being but when you subtract the FUN from the Heartbroken Miserable... it’s not really fun, it’s more like a cover to hide the fact that you’re vulnerable, and weak, and lonely. Independence is overrated now that I think about it. It’s a sad excuse for not wanting to live, but not having to admit it. Being single gives you EVERY reason to anticipate the ordeals of Independence... but gives you NO reason to interpret the obligation of living alone for the rest of your damn life. Sure, breaking up is a hard thing to do when you know it’s the end of something that was once great, but it’s not the end of the world. People break up every 14 seconds, people DIE every 7 heart-beats... and we complain about being lonely. When the truth is, we’re not really helping the concept, for the fact being that we’re just sitting on our asses in hopes that ‘Love’ will somehow find it’s fucking way to us. They say; “Live Each Day As If It Were Your Last”, but in a City like New York... every day IS the last. Every day is an end of a relationship, an end of a life, an end of SOMETHING, and more or less... everything. When it comes to the Single Life........ how bad can it be to commit to something without commitment?

2004-03-17T19:13:00.000-05:00

“What It Is To Learn”

Once upon a time.... there were 2 men. Once they met, they instantly fell in love. Their relationship instantly began... and it was splendid. As it progressed, they learned that the relationship had one flaw... a Lack of Physical Contact. It seemed that the more they tried, leading to failure... caused them to slowly fall apart. Knowing that falling apart isn’t something they want happening, they tried to not worry about it and continued the relationship. As it went on, he learned more about his lover, but tried not to confront him about it, for the sake of happiness. Until his lover brought up the whole ‘Let’s Hang Out’ ordeal. Overwhelmed by the concept.... he was quick to respond. Later that night, it was time to meet up with his Lover... he waited for about 2 hours before he gave up on waiting, and went home. It turns out, his lover stood him up. When he got home that night, he went straight to sleep... disappointed, depressed, angry. The next day, he called up his lover, and confronted him about it... and everything else. As always, his lover had nothing but “excuses”. Knowing that he was vulnerable, and in love... he accepted the excuses as reasonable rationality. After a year has passed, the relationship STILL hasn’t gone anywhere. There came a time when his lover, once again, brought up the whole “Let’s Hang Out” bullshit, but this time.... it was to be at his lover’s house, for 2 weeks. So, he felt highly confident, and accepted the invitation. When the day came that he would head out and go to his lover’s house, he was nowhere to be found. He couldn’t get in touch with him AT ALL. He tried calling but it seemed he wasn’t home. Angry... Disappointed... Depressed, he found himself in a loophole, back in the same situation he tried so hard to walk away from. He didn’t want to speak to his lover... and still doesn’t. He’s debating whether or not he should continue to live within this repetition, or move on. He came to the terms, and decided he HAS to move on.

Sometimes in Life... we find ourselves back to the one thing we need to get away from, and of course we’re going to be disappointed. What happens when you’ve tried to move on several times before, but found yourself running in circles... and back to that one compelling thing you’ve been hurting to get the fuck away from? Nothing. Except more disappointment, depression, and anger. I’m not going to go through with this for another year... possibly even more than a year this time. I’m moving on. I’ve been convinced lately, that he and I aren’t meant to be after all. I can’t be in a relationship where it’s just communication and emotions. I need more than that... I can’t settle for less, for subtleties. In a way, throughout this whole experience... I’ve learned so much about him, especially last week. I’ve learned that he’s some kind of sadist, who takes advantage of my weaknesses to lure me in, and push me away.... just so he can feel empowered by the ordeal. I’m not going to be a fool anymore... I’m not going to be his fool anymore. When it comes to happiness... why settle for less?

2004-03-14T17:31:00.000-05:00

“Running Away”

In life, we’re all bounded by choices. We choose to eat, we choose to sleep, we choose to work, we choose to help, we choose to take a shower, we choose to take a piss or a shit, we choose to live, we choose to die, we choose to love. But when you think about it, we don’t really make these choices. It seems as if we’re all programmed by Nature to do what we all do, as a daily basis. What happens when we come across a new kind of choice that we don’t know of? What happens when we don’t understand the choice? Sometimes it takes understanding of the purpose(s) of the choices we make, in order to make them. So, what happens when we can’t find that ‘Purpose’? We make the wrong choice(s). Sometimes in life we make wrong choices, wrong decisions.... and we’re said to learn from them. But if that were true, how come we still seem to have the ‘bind effect’ when we find ourselves stuck in a rut, in the matter of debating certain decisions based on choices? Once again.... we make the wrong choice. We all need to understand why we make the choices, or what brings us to having to make them. It seems as if we’re programmed to do everything else BUT make the right choices. Everything DOES happen for a reason..... And that’s why we learn from our mistakes. I found myself rather tied down the other day.... I’ve fallen back in love with my ex, and everything seemed to be working out perfectly until my OTHER ex contacts me.... and romances me. And that’s when I panicked. I had mixed emotions coming right after me from all sides, they came, they left, I chased them down, they knocked me down.... it was subtle. I couldn’t decide whether it was the fact that I still had feelings for him, or the fact that I’d be deceiving my lover by keeping this from him. I’m not sure whether I should, or shouldn’t keep this from him. Its bad enough we’ve been through a loophole with issues, and now everything was great until this happened. I find myself in a predicament. My heart tells me I should stay with my current lover, but my mind tells me I should get back with my ex. And you know what they say...... Mind over Matter. I can’t really explain how I feel, I mean.... I almost blacked out from all the confusion and mixed emotions, but, I can assure you.... IT FUCKING SUCKS. It’s as if no matter how hard I try, I seem to get stuck either way. When it comes to making a choice......... should you trust your heart or your mind?

2004-03-12T21:14:00.000-05:00

“The City That Never Dreams” (Part Two)

Once upon a time.... there lived a man, who would always run. Run away from his past, to make it to his future. He would attempt the unthinkable, as long as it would get him away from his past. He was desperate to seek the future, and what it has in store for him. But, little did he know.... he was running forever. There is no past, there is no future. We’re all stuck in the Present, forever. Nobody realized it as well as this man did, whenever he DID realize it. He found himself constantly running, constantly journeying through nothing just to seek out this ‘future’, but then he realized he’ll never stop running. We all wonder what the future holds for us, and we’ve all claimed to have had an impact within the past. But, neither of it is true. We’re always stuck in the Present.... I mean, sure.... the time changes, days change, you age, your appearance differs, and the weather changes. But that’s all there is to it. We all progress through the days, the months, the years.... thinking we’d reach the future, but, as time changes.... so do we. And that causes our perspectives, perceptions, outlooks and point of views to change along with the time. Thus causes us to be caught up in a different type of ‘Present’. There is no Future, there is no Past. There is only the Present. And we can never escape it. We all dream these dreams, hope these hopes, wish these wishes.... but in the end, that’s all they’ll ever be. Dreams... Hopes... Wishes. And that’s all our so-called ‘Future’ will ever be.... Dreams, Hopes, Wishes. When you think about it.... it doesn’t make much of a difference if you were to attain this ‘Future’, because you’d only THINK it were a future. But none the less, it never is. It’s always present. It’s never new. Sure, romances, relationships, homes, ages, jobs, etc. can be new.... and if that’s true then, you’d think we’re in the future. No. We’ll always be in the present. We’ll always change along with the time... with the days... with the weather. We can only hope for a future.............. but in reality.... time stands still.

2004-03-10T20:44:00.000-05:00

“The Eviction”

Shame... we all have it. We all deal with it, and we all avoid confrontation with it. But how can we ever ascertain our pride if we don’t deal with our shame first? We all try to deny off our shame by hiding, and keeping to ourselves, so that others won’t see our self-pity, our angst, our sorrow... our shame. We all try our best to be proud of ourselves, by making something of ourselves, for others. But then something happens... something compellingly life-changing. And our pride, our glory... has been taken over by shame, guilt, depression, and regret. Independence is something we all have, but there comes a time in life where you WILL need the help of someone else. I mean, we can’t ALWAYS resolve something on our own. So, until we evaluate our self-pity, we deal with the 5 Stages of Shame.

Stage 1) Anger
Stage 2) Depression
Stage 3) Re-assurance
Stage 4) Confrontation
Stage 5) Acceptance (and deciding to use the help of someone else)

Sometimes things in life are meant to be, so that we learn from our mistakes and grieve from our independence so that we can learn how to accept other’s as factors in our lives. Sometimes the help of someone else is all that you have to deal with whatever the problem(s) is. They say independence is the key to one’s own self... but how can that be true if we come to a point in our lives where we desperately seek the help of another? Or where the help of another is truly the only thing you’ve got... as a first AND last resort? I can’t help but wonder... When it comes to Independence....... being the ‘key’ to one’s own self....... does it really only hold the key to letdown?

2004-03-10T20:43:00.000-05:00

“The City That Never Dreams”

New York City… “The City That Never Sleeps”, consisted of over 2 million men, and 2 million women. But unfortunately, the majority of the City’s population is in fact, Singles. Its funny how there’s so many great married men or women, but hardly any great unmarried men or women. They call New York City; “The City that Never Sleeps.” It’s true, it never sleeps… because everybody’s either getting laid, and trying to get laid… or not getting laid at all. But if the City never sleeps… what happens to the dreams, the hopes, the goals, and the future? OK, call me insane but, if the city never sleeps, and everybody’s awake, in hopes they’ll find what they’re after… it seems as if we’re all living in a fantasy. I mean, here we are… content on finding Love, or Romance, or even a good fuck. But we never really consider our lives OUTSIDE of these factors… these issues. We always think “Inside the Box” and never out. So how can we ever really know what we want, what we’re after… if all we do about is jump, jump, jump… without any range as to how high we’re jumping? We all throw ourselves out into the world, the life... without any true ideal of what’s out there for us. We only accept whatever it throws at us, pleasantly, without taking the time to consider whether it’s right or wrong. So, we wait… Till we figure it out on our own, the hard way. Thus -- leading us to become heartbroken. We never Sleep… we never Dream. Its funny how we venture out on our ways, to chase after our “Fantasies” but eventually, we get disappointed. I thought fantasies we’re these ‘dreams’ that are supposed to satisfy our desires? We never take any consideration for our actions… we just run. We just chase after our fantasies, our impulses, our desires… and we NEVER chase after our realities. Could it be because we’re scared of reality? Or maybe because we know our Fantasies will always seem to satisfy our urges, our impulses… without any disappointment? What I don’t understand is… we live in a REALITY, where Fantasies are just Dreams. And the City never sleeps. Go figure. It kind of makes me wonder ------- When it comes to Fantasies, in a City that never Sleeps, nor Dreams... where Reality never meets Truth, nor Fiction………. Aren’t ‘Fantasies’ supposed to please us, rather than get us hurt?

2004-03-08T22:52:00.000-05:00

“Entity”

Ever wonder what it would be like, to live this life without a care, without any desperation, without any hopes, without any fears, without any doubts? Yeah… you’d think it’d be pleasant. In fact, it wouldn’t. It would be as dull as Martha Stewart’s trial. See… In life, we need all these seemingly pointless hopes, desperations, fears, doubts… because it’s these ordeals that get us places. Whether it’s college, or a job, or even a relationship…. We just need them. We all get to a point in our lives where we attack ourselves with the ‘What ifs’ and ‘buts’, and we claim it isn’t normal, nor healthy for our emotions. But the truth is, it IS normal, it IS healthy. We need the ‘What ifs’ and ‘buts’ to debate certain decisions, or deal with certain situations. We can’t ALWAYS think positive about something. We all need to be negative at times. Some say pessimism isn’t any good… but I’m sure they’ve taken advantage of their pessimism to benefit from the outcomes. So why do we try to deny off our negative values, and try to elapse it for our positive values? I mean, it isn’t necessarily bad to have negative and positive views on varied subjects. It’s absolutely normal. It’s not like we’re positive, as human beings. We have negative facts about us. Negative point of views at times. So why deny it, when it’s part of who you are? It’s a factor between the entities of Positive and Negative theological examinations of all Life’s obstacles. When it comes to Optimism and Pessimism, why are they two different words when every human being is consisted of both?

2004-03-03T16:34:00.000-05:00

“Smitten”

Everybody needs a little moment of truth, when it comes to terms of self-evaluation. We all throw ourselves out in the world of ‘joy’ and ‘desperation’ in this never-ending search for that thing we call ‘Love’. But if we know it’s a never-ending search, why do we continue? It seems as if Searching, and Waiting is everyone’s consonant. We go through with it every day of our lives, whether it’s waiting for a call, waiting for food, waiting for love… it’s the number one factor in all of our lives. I’ve always told myself; “Why Wait?” but lately I’ve been realizing that Waiting can not only, possibly mean Forever, but sometimes… waiting is the best thing to do. I mean, Why Rush? I guess we rush into things because it’s how WE feel… and I guess we wait on things because it’s how OTHER’S feel. It’s a weird cycle… we want to rush into things with someone, while that ‘someone’ wants to wait things out and just ‘go with the flow.’ Sometimes, I even wonder WHY we should go with the flow, because we can always hate anything before we try to love it. So, why would we try to make that a definite possibility by ‘going with the flow’ when we can easily trust our instincts, our feelings… and make something of them, rather than a waste of time? They say; “It is better to have loved and lost, rather than to never have loved at all”, Bullshit! I say; “It is better to have never loved, and lost… because it will spare pain.” When it comes to ‘Going With The Flow’………….. FUCK THE FLOW. Go with your instincts.

2004-03-02T15:45:00.000-05:00

“The Reason”

Water turns to Wine, Wine turns to Burgundy, Love turns to Hate which eventually causes Heart-Break. When you think about it, everything has it’s form of being, it’s evolution which sheds it’s false form to expose it’s true form. Sometimes these ‘True Forms’ aren’t even meant to be exposed. Sometimes things aren’t even meant to be found. Such as Love. If every problem has it’s solution, then every solution has it’s problem. One drink, which was meant to be a temporary escape, can turn into alcoholism. One cigarette can turn into an addiction which will eventually cause Cancer. Secrets can turn into Betrayal, and Love can turn into one big, chaotic heart-break… which will lead to loneliness, emptiness, incompleteness, and depression. When you think about it, every beginning has it’s end. We all strive for ‘wholeness’, but sometimes that ‘wholeness’ is what makes us these imperfect beings. So why do we keep on going? Why do we literally set ourselves up for these falls? Forever is such an unpleasant word, it begins to eat at you from the inside – out after each step we take, due to the callous failure. So why the fuck do we continue to yearn for something we KNOW we can’t attain? Why do we have so much faith in things that we KNOW will cause a disaster? It seems as if Life itself doesn’t want us to know what happiness is without a disappointment. It kind of makes me wonder…….. if every step we take is a disappointment… can we disappoint the steps we take, enough to make the right steps? Or are things like Love, Happiness, and Wholeness something we’re not meant to find?

2004-02-29T17:21:00.000-05:00

“Matter over Mind”

Every now and then, I convince myself strongly to believe that we all have 2 Identities. One of who we REALLY are, and the other of who people THINK we are. To be more complex; We all Represent ourselves to others as someone, or something we're not. For instance; I have a hard time bagging guys, because I'm not one to Approach, but nobody ever approaches me. It's probably because I don't appeal as a Gay Guy, so, men have a hard time coming to terms with other people's sexualities. It kinda sucks that nowadays, you have to wear your heart on your sleeve just to attract what or who you want. Thus causing, and leading you to be volnerable. Sometime's I wonder if it were better if I just approached people... but, on the other hand, would it make a difference? I mean, I too, have a hard time concluding someones sexuality. So why make an ass out of yourself by trusting signals that could be false? I wonder.. since Representation is taken the wrong way, why can't people just show their true colors? The Rainbow Flag persè? Or atleast something that'll make their dating life a little less complicated. And thus far goes for everyone in general. When it comes to Representation....... is it a safer-bet to just take the plunge and allow ourselves to be volnerable?

2004-02-27T19:39:00.000-05:00

“Ignorant Bliss”

What does one do when he realizes that all his life, he’s been struggling for this thing we call “Love”, looking for it in all the wrong places, finally attains it, but runs away from it when he does? What’s a guy to do when an Identity is something he doesn’t have, when Representation wasn’t something he’s achieved? When Life itself has brought him down so much, to the point where he believes in the things that brought him down. Such as non-existence. Such as a Mistaken Identity. Such as being Uncared for. Such as not wanting to Live…. Such as being Alone. Such as being Misunderstood. They say True Love is the key to all existence… then why do I feel so alone, so battered, so… Dead? If Love brings Life then why has it brought me a Death existence? Why has Love been the main consonant in my life, knowing that it’ll bring me down to the point where I will reconsider letting it get to me? Why do people allow themselves to hurt over mistaken actions? What does one do when Love IS in fact the ONLY consonant in his life, but it never seems to go right? People fall in love, from left to right, north to south, and they rely on it to erase whatever trouble they have in their life… whatever issue is eating at them. But yet, in doing so—relying on Love, becomes yet another Issue to one’s collection. We all ask ourselves if Love is in fact, the art of resolution… the act of feeling Alive. But why does it always seem to be the opposite? The art of Failure… the Act of feeling Dead. They say when you fall in love, it is the act of Growing up, Understanding… Evolving. But how can that be true if all it ever does is make us feel less of ourselves? How can Love be so overrated when deep down inside every single persons heart… they know it can resolve Nothing unless it’s perfect. Not to mention, Perfection does not exist. How can we all literally hunt down this thing called ‘Love’ when we all know it won’t solve anything, it’ll only make things worse once it’s over… which IS a definite possibility because as they say; “Nothing Gold Can Stay”. Why do we let ourselves fall into these ruts without even considering the outcomes? We all go after Love, expecting it to be some higher price of God’s wisdom, when really… Independence is the True Wisdom. There is no greater Love than the Love of Self, the ability to conquer and embellish throughout all of life’s obstacles, all of Life’s games…. All of life’s Issues. So, When it comes striving for Love…. How do we always seem to end up hurting ourselves even more than we sought out to be in the first place?

2004-02-26T16:14:00.000-05:00

“On The Run”

There comes a time in Life, or in a Relationship… where you debate certain decisions before actually making them, for the fact being that either decision can change your life. But what happens when you find yourself ridiculed by the fact that you know what decision you SHOULD make… but you feel as if there’s something missing, something that can possibly be hiding behind the OTHER decision. I’ve realized over the days that me and Jason are meant to be. Hell, we’ve even recon ciliated. But now that I know he’s the one… I’m just not ready for it yet. I’m not ready to commit to something that’s flawless, yet. I’m striving for more experience before I spend the rest of my life with him. I don’t know what’s gonna happen. I mean, here I am… finally over the whole Insecurity concept and finally SOCIAL, rather than Anti-Social. And I finally realize that Jason’s the one. All-in-All, this is PERFECT. Or so I thought. Something’s missing… it could be Experience, it could be chemistry… it could be anything. But it’s binding me down to the point where I have to choose whether or not I’m ready for Resplendence, or if I need to learn from my mistakes some more. I’ve realized that when this time comes in someone’s life… it’s not rather what you FEEL that you should rely on to make a decision, but more like what you KNOW. Because sometimes, it’s Knowledge that helps us make our decisions… it’s not always Emotions. Sure, Emotions lead us to the door, but Knowledge helps us understand WHAT’S behind the door… and deploys us to open the door. So, when it comes to making a Decision…. What the fuck brings us to making more than one?

2004-02-24T11:34:00.000-05:00

“Friends and Trends”

I’ve always grown to wonder what it means to “take it laying down.” Does it simply mean being defenseless? If it does…. We’ve all taken things laying down. So why make a big fuss about it? I mean, sure… we’ve all gone through some bad times but there’s no reason to throw your own tragedy on someone else. It’s all in perspective once you’ve ascertained the drama. Either way, isn’t the whole ‘Drama’ thing so 1980’s? Why do people make the biggest fuss about the littlest things and expect everybody to sympathize for them and give them the casual attention they were after in the first place? What’s the whole deal with deploying yourself to extremes just for the slightest bit of attention? Attention seems to be something major in this world, considering almost 90% of it literally hunts for it. Attention begets a Crowd which begets a Scene which eventually begets a possible bonding between those who’ve witnessed the action. But why can’t people just be decadent for once and be HUMAN BEINGS, rather than Demons running rampant? We’ve all got our Drama’s, our Trauma’s, and our Like’s and Dislike’s… so why bother? When it comes to glorification and satisfaction, I see no difference. They both basically mean to be pleased, don’t they? So many people in this world cause such dramatic events and bring it on others to resolve, even strangers. Because deep down inside… it’s not safety they’re after, it’s attention. And the part that sucks, they’re such good actors when it comes down to that. When it comes to personal gratification or satisfaction, and sharing the ideals with others…. Are we really just striving for attention?

2004-02-22T18:00:00.000-05:00

“Simply Unforgettable”

When you find yourself rather biding the effect of being tangled up in a mess you can’t seem to get yourself out of, you turn to someone else’s help, possibly even a few people’s help. Such as friends, or family. Because when you try to untangle something on your own, you eventually make it worse and find it harder to untangle (in most cases, that is). What happens when you can’t turn to anyone, due to the fact that they have so much faith in you, and think you can ‘untangle’ the ‘knot’ on your own, so to speak? What happens when Faith isn’t something you have, but you don’t want to disappoint anybody by revealing the concept to them? You find yourself tangled in an even BIGGER ‘knot’. There’s an up and down to every possible thing you can think of in Life. And there’s a way to break away from the tie that binds you down. It isn’t necessarily easy to untangle yourself out of some kind of conundrum but with a little help, anything’s possible. Even though Help isn’t easy to find, sometimes, you attain the kind of help you’ve never expected yourself to attain. Such as an ex, or memories, or even the littlest things that help you make it through each day. And sometimes, it’s even these little things that get us tangled due to the ex, the memories… the regrets. So what happens when the things that help you get by, end up getting you down? Memories..... The kind of Help that gets us by, or the tangled knot that binds us down?

2004-02-21T09:32:00.000-05:00

“The Way We WEREN’T”

They say “Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder”, that can work with Truth as well. I’ve really been embellished with the fact that “Truth is in the Eye of the Beholder.” They say when Women have sex, they produce a chemical that causes them to emotionally attach, and fall in love. I say, when Men fall in love… they grow a Third Eye that can see through the truth of the concept which helps them make their decision. Sometimes, we seemingly make the wrong decision, to our friends… but they’re not the one’s who fell in love, now are they? There comes a time in life where you meet someone, who just isn’t what she/he seems. So, you observe, and analyze. Sometimes that person can even set off mixed signals about what they are, in terms of Sexuality. But, then again… who doesn’t wear a shell nowadays? Sometimes we need to crack that shell of theirs to get inside and see the real them, without the cover, protection, shell. And THAT’S how we make our decision(s). But what happens when you meet a guy who sets off signals that convince you of his sexuality being challenged… you try to figure out if you’ll ever have a chance with them, meanwhile… you’re friends encourage you that you can. Thus leading you to fall a little harder. But then something happens… the signals gone. You feel hopeless…. Who’s to say that things won’t change? EVERYTHING CHANGES. So what changed? My third eye was exposed and I saw through the truth. Let’s get into detail; So, you meet a guy who convinces you that he’s either Bi-Sexual or Gay, and you let yourself fall, just because you really want to be with this person. But then you realize they aren’t what they seem, AT ALL. In fact, they only seem they’re what they seem because that’s just the way they’ve introduced themselves to you, and everyone they know. For instance, Danny’s a wild guy. He loves his car, loves “women”, loves Sex. But that’s how he introduced himself and represented himself to us… to me. But, I fell… my third eye became exposed… I took a deeper look. And I saw the Truth. Being that he isn’t who he introduced himself as, at all. In fact, he’s just as lost as me. A hopeless romantic. A lonely lover. Sometimes in life, people introduce themselves to others as something they’re not, to hide the fact that they have weaknesses, as everyone else does. But hiding it can set off all these mixed signals to others, as to what the fuck they want out of life… love. So we eventually jump to conclusions, and try to make decisions out of what we THINK, rather than what we KNOW. Sometimes we just have to let these things pass us by… otherwise they’d never get on the last train home. I’ve also grown to wonder why people, who ARE in fact sexually challenged, Deny it. I mean, it just isn’t right to resort yourself to just one fucking gender. It’s Human fucking Nature to love both. That’s what Love is all about… the ability to withdraw from casualties such as ignorant people’s comments and judgments, and to live and love freely without worrying about what others think. It’s not for them to Judge either way. It’s only for you to judge. So why the fuck do so many people hide their true colors just to please others and give THEM the satisfaction of their sex lives and love lives? It’s just so ridiculous… the whole ideal of homophobia and the whole concept that “It should just be Man and Woman.” Bullshit. That’s bias, cruel and sexist. They tell us as if it’s all about Sex, and what other’s would image it as. It’s not about that… AT ALL. It’s about Love. As I’ve said, it’s Human fucking Nature to love both. If you fall for a Man, so be it. If you fall for a Woman, so fucking be it. Nobody has the right to take claim on what’s right or wrong except yourself… so why DENY yourself?
Denial: The Key to a Respected Identity, or the Door that Shuts it Out?

2004-02-18T19:24:00.000-05:00

“The Out Crowd”

Everyone always wonders what the hell is up with those couples that keep it in the dark. And why they can’t make they’re relationship public. I’ve always wondered what it’s like to seclude you and your loved one away from the public. And just kept it up to the 2 of you. Sometimes in Life, we can’t always share things with the whole world. For instance, a relationship. I’ve been beginning to wonder if it’s the right thing to do, to hide it and keep it discreet. I mean, when you think about it… what’s the point in showing the world? I mean, there’s always going to be the ones that judge you, and make irritating comments and talk shit. So, why do we literally aim for this? Why do we let others have our relationships? Why can’t we just keep it in the dark, while it’s definitely lit? I’ve always wondered why people make comments either way, I mean… could it be jealousy? Or Envy? Or could it be that THEY see something wrong with the relationship that WE don’t?

When it comes to keeping it in the Light… Does the Light of the Public blind us of the truth?

and...

When it comes to keeping it in the Dark… Do we see the truth because of the Lightness of the relationship?

2004-02-16T15:52:00.000-05:00

“Disappearing Facts”

Everybody has a moment in life after a serious relationship ends, where they debate whether they should move on or try to reconsider. What happens when wanting to move on, because of the depression… becomes our major initiative... NOT because we WANT to move on, but because we feel we SHOULD move on? What happens when we challenge ourselves by putting ourselves down for the fact being that maybe we just don’t want to move on? I found myself in an epiphany last night. I realized that I’ve been blinded by the ideal of actually moving on and forgetting everything that went on between me and my ex. It all comes down to the Facts.

1) Should I leave him because things didn’t work out or should I stay cuz I still love him?
2) If things WERE to work out, would things be better or worse?
3) If Moving on means forgetting…. Am I really up for that?

I’ve come to the conclusion that when we actually consider moving on… we don’t fully extend ourselves to the facts and knowledge that things COULD be better if we just had faith. The ironic thing is, Faith was my ultimatum. Why? Because I truly didn’t have any, at all. So what happens when the idea of moving on blinds you from these epiphanies? What happens when Moving On becomes Running Away? What happens when you DO move on, but find yourself lost in transition for the fact being that you haven’t taken the time to comprehend these things? What happens if not taking the time to think, rather than rushing things because we’re so blinded by the ideal of moving on, opens the path to yet another dismay? What happens when "Breaking Up" really just means "Time Out", but we're too hurt, stupid, and BLIND to realize it, so we try to "Move On" without even considering the outcomes? Moving On: True or False?

2004-02-15T19:54:00.000-05:00

“Faking It”

There comes a time in life where we realize the difference between Being Happy and Feeling Happy. It’s not always as soon as you’d expect the realization to be, but it happens. And when it happens, it happens when you’d least expect it… when you actually FIND happiness. The downfall of it is, when you find that Happiness… it depresses you to the fact that you’ve realized that all your life, you haven’t been happy. Which is what happened to me. So, I went to a Rave on Friday (the 13th)… and had the best time of my life. I was Intoxicated… not by Drugs, but by Happiness. The music was incredible… the people were so friendly and ALIVE. I WAS ALIVE. Not all Realizations happen at a Rave, but for me… it did. After the night had passed and I got home. I sat in my bed thinking for a few hours, I lost track of time. But it was more than 3 hours, in definite. Ever wonder what it’s like to not know what Happiness IS until you actually ARE happy, and when you ARE happy…. You realize that the whole time you THOUGHT you were happy… you were only Faking It? I mean, sure… we all think we’re happy because Life is splendid at times, and you’ve got your great Friends and whatnot. But what if that’s not enough? What if Happiness comes at a higher price? A harder push. We all wonder when we’ll be happy… so for the time being, we pretend we’re happy so that others won’t notice and sympathize about it, to us. We all have our Breakups and Breakdowns in life… but then again, there’s always a way out, as well as IN, in things. Such as Happiness. Sometimes when we actually are happy… we don’t necessarily think we DESERVE it because we’ve most likely have done some bad things in Life where we mentally project these Regrets. In MY case… I’ve been Projecting those Regrets at myself, back and forth…. Left and right. I’ve been literally attacking myself with the common need for punishment, because to be quite blunt… I’ve done nothing with my Life to deserve the Happiness I’ve met the other day. But, when I found it… I debated whether I should Keep it or Lost it. I’m Keeping it. What happens when Happiness doesn’t actually come at a price? What happens when all it takes is freedom of self? The opportunity to Live the way you want, Have Fun the way you want, BE the way you want? Happiness will be met. We all THINK we’re living the way we want… but sometimes in life, Thoughts aren’t all it takes. We all need to deploy a mission to ascertain the disposition and intent on living the way we actually WANT… not the way we THINK we want. When it comes to Happiness… “That which does not DESTROY you, only makes you Happy.”

2004-02-12T15:19:00.000-05:00

“Screaming Indignities”

We each live by our own lifestyle and living arrangement. We each have our point of views, theories, and outlooks on life and such. We all go through tough times in life, we all have occasional "Good" moments. We all fall in love. Sometimes it takes the acceptance of someone else to be sure of the way you live your life. Fortunately, in most cases... someone else's opinion matters to you, to an extent. And you try hard to please them and make them happy. What happens when you find yourself stuck in the rutted situation, where you deal with debating whether it's Acceptance or Tolerance that's put upon you? How can you tell the difference if someone Accepts you or Tolerates you? When it comes to acceptance, you're automatically made a factor in someone's life because to be accepted, you need to make an impact. And when it comes to Tolerance, just consider it as a less harsh word for Hate. Because when it comes to tolerance, it's putting up with and dealing with you. When it comes to Acceptance and Tolerance... should we Accept Tolerance or Tolerate Acceptance?

2004-02-09T22:07:00.000-05:00

“Behind Closed Doors”

Being open to almost anything, is what they say; "Important" It leaves us free to take advantage of potentially life-changing decisions and situations. On the other hand.. having a confidential, un-open lifestyle might cross out that opportunity, but strains you from possible mistakes and misleadings. We each make our own decisions, but sometimes we base our decisions on what someone we love wants. And try to comprehend their perspective(s). But what if we just base all of our decisions on what other's want? What if we left everything on someone else's shoulder? Would we be fools for letting someone else choose the path we walk on, or wise for not being the one to pave that golden path? On the other hand.... would we be selfish to not make the important people in our lives, a factor in the whole decision-making process? Behind Closed Doors: Freedom or Lockdown?

2004-02-07T14:12:00.000-05:00

“In or Out?”

In relationships, whether it's Friendship or an actual Love Affair.. Trust is the number one factor, and key to the relationship. Or so they say. I've come to realize a few paticular things. For instance; Trust means putting your word, effort, and heart into not disappointing someone and keeping it confidential. Trust means keeping your word, promise, and keeping it between the two (or few) of you.. and Trust means not letting somebody down. What I've grown to wonder is; Why give people these advantages? Why not just let them deal with their own problems, on their own? It seems to me that Trust isn't really the key to getting IN a relationship.. but rather the key to getting OUT. Trust is the biggest concept, issue, and factor in all relationships. As I've said; whether it's Friendship or a Love Affair.. because you WILL eventually let someone down. Why? There comes a time where "spilling" the detail(s) is necessary. Because in some cases... it can help the troubled situation. But of course, the person you gave your word to will get raged and tell you the friendship / relationship is over, because he/she cannot 'Trust' you any-longer. If you put 2 and 2 together, you can see this concept the way I see it. Trust is no better than a Massacre. Someone asks you if they can Trust you... subconsciously knowing that eventually, it'll spill. Not because they think they can trust you, or want to.... but quite frankly, because they want to end the relationship, in a less harsh manner. But it also seems like an Ego thing. When someone asks you if they can Trust you, knowing it'll spill out eventually... causing them to decide to end the relationship, but giving them all the credit for being the 'Victim' of the matter. It's pretty far-fetched. When it comes to Trust........ is it they key to a closer bond, or a Weapon of Mass Destruction?