Timebomb

I've never understood what "terms of endearment" really meant before...
Or at least what exactly those terms were.
Is it flattery or chivalry? Romance or spontaneity? Passion or intimacy?
We have all these different aspects and prospects to finding a solid core
or substratum to sustaining a mutual comprehension of yourself and your beloved...
But what happens when your terms differ from theirs?

A few nights ago during one of my many regular boring nights at home,
I picked up the phone and called my best friend, whom I always toss my ideas and rants at
in hopes for some kind of insight, or at least a second-hand opinion to keep me out of my head.
He said something that really melted in the back of my head...
He said; "Everybody has their own different versions of love and how to express it."
It was a copacetic statement that couldn't have been more fitting to my current situation.

Over the last couple of weeks I've realized I'm really starting to develope feelings... Strong feelings... For someone I've been seeing. Granted it's only been a short time but feelings can't be controlled. They're there when they're there and when they're there, you can only face them or shelf them.
And in a sense, I guess I've been shelving them... At least until I know for sure.
Though some hints and ideas have been tossed my way, and thankfully I'm good at reading between the lines... The fine lines that prevent us from facing present reality.
I always believed it's best to wait it out and ride the wave, until the currents calm down and it's safe to swim to the shore... I guess I'm waiting. For what? I'm not sure.
Maybe a sign... Maybe for the door to open without my own hands turning the knob.
Or maybe I'm just waiting for things to turn sour.

I have a tendency of comparing my present with my past, and nonetheless always expect the same results I've dealt with before. Often times, this puts a strain on my usual open-mindedness, and even my open heart.

I won't lie, there has been times where things actually gotten to a point where it seems like contrary to what was happening, can lead to something going bad.
But those issues were surprisingly dealt with and mutually apprehended quite fast.
Maybe I'm just not used to the open communication and this amount of honesty, that it freaks me out sometimes. But when does it get to a point where some things are better kept to yourself?
That's where I'm at.

The ghost of his (not so far) past has been brought to my attention, no less by him...
And the detail of what they (seemed to have) shared really did a number on my ego.
How can I compare? There's an unresolved romance that's making the sheets a little colder than it is warmer; and residue from a lost connection still lingering in between.
Maybe I'm overreacting... Maybe I'm just expecting this to be the breaking point I always expect.

But I'm sparing a great amount of confusion and I'm trying to let it slide,
afterall... They'll never see each other again. Right?
I still worry. I may not be half the man I could be, or twice as strong as I should be...
But that's what makes me me... That's what makes me human.
A human with feelings that pattern to grow fast,
feelings that are frail and fragile, easily hurt.
It could be many reasons, from saying the wrong thing at the wrong time...
To making me feel like my feelings aren't enough.

So for now, I'll sit back...
And badger myself over wondering just how much is too much communication and trust.
Tick, tock...