Long Distance Heartbreak (Part II)

New York City, "The City That Never Sleeps..." Ever wonder why it isn't sleeping? Could it be because of the 24-hour Starbucks on Times Square; the highly franchised 711's to address your "convenient" needs; the Pornshops and Peepshows on nearly every corner to ease your stresses; 24-hour Sephoras to meet your glamourous desires; or the fact that there's practically a party at any top-notch club for every day of the week? We have so many outlets for ways to get out of sleeping in... Or maybe it's never sleeping because we're too busy worrying about who we're going to sleep with. But what happens when you're not sleeping because you're sleeping with the enemy?

Two years ago I found myself unable to sleep one night, and so I started browsing the web... You know -- the typical gay social/dating websites. I figured I'd browse around and see what the interweb can bring to the table, as I found myself growing tired of the nightlife grind. I had it in my head that maybe a harmless casual chat will wear my synapses down enough to make it to my bed that night. I browsed around, disappointed, and found myself stumbling into the local chat-room to the city I used to live in, Kansas City MO. I entertained myself with the irrelevant banter the locals seemed to arouse, and magically enough I stumbled across someone painfully gorgeous, who I'd recognize later on. We'll call him "N."

The chat was casual, "Hey, you're cute," "I've seen you around before, can't remember where," "How's things been?" etc. And with just that, it seemed a few hours flew by, lost in translation or at least in the convo, almost effortlessly. There's something to be said about chemistry over the internet -- no judgements, easier to get along, no awkwardness, and definitely no presuppositions to intervine with a possible connection. Suffice to say we exchanged phone numbers, and no sooner after that, found ourselves nearly inseperable; aside from the hundreds, maybe thousands of miles dividing us from our arms' reaches.

In the midst of this existentialism in a long distance love affair, I've always had the intention of traversing back to KCMO, as I've made some of my better friends during my time there. Perhaps "N" was just the icing on the cake, the influencial incentive to bring me back more sooner than planned. And so we've discussed the possibilities; my visiting, possibly moving back to the city, somewhere in the mixup we've even managed to juggle the idea of being together and moving in with him. Months of procrastination and planning go by, and I find myself in the city again, visiting my best friend "J" and my others, "B", "S", and then some. But only this time, "N" and I have been out of touch for some time. I figured I'd surprise him but somehow we've lost our "connection" so to speak. A weekend visit turns into a 2-week stay, in between all the fun my friends and I had exumed; a boy can get lonely... And so the dating and hooking-up began. Needless to say the 2-week stay turned into an "I don't know when I'll go back" kind of journey, and somewhere in between all that, I found myself exclusively dating on "B.D." That is of course until I found it plastered all over his internet that he'd been sleeping around loosely.

A couple of months go by and unconventionally my journey in this city has reached its hault. Packed my stuff and got on the next bus back home. Two days of a road-trip later, unwind. Settle in. Discuss my adventures to friends and family. Recover. Get back to work. Come home. Tired. Restless. Mundane repetition. Sigh. Go to bed. Repeat. Occasionally meet guys. Have sex. Try to date. Fail miserably. Swear off sex. Go running back to sex. Reevauluate my position in the ideal of love while on the precipes of becoming a loner. Meet a guy. Hit it off. Have more sex. Start to like him. Start to fall. Start to love him. Dig for flaws. Found many. Start to retreat. Get pulled back in. Only to be pushed right out. Repeat. Repeat. He's in love with someone else still. I'm in love with someone else still. And finally I find myself back on the site where I'd await an e-mail from the ever-so-elusive "N," all while trying to maintain a chaotic but thoroughly entertaining relationship with "C."

It wasn't so bothersome that "C" had a secret relation to his "J," as I've rekindled and maintained mine with "N." It was almost perfect until I found myself tethering the brink of an unsighted lapse of judgement and persona. Juggling two loves can do a number on one's mentality. "C" lasted some 9 months of push-and-pulling and tug-of-war, while "N" was truly the secret that kept me sane. At least I had something to look forward to. You know -- when that person is your waking and somber thought; jumping for joy when you see their name light up radiantly, as much as your love for them, on your phone. And so our unconventional long distance love affair continued, a year and some change into it. We even got as far as to saying the big L bomb to each other, and what spun my head the most is how he said it first -- what no other man has done before. And our chemistry was still as explosive as ever, no dulling in sight whatsoever.

Some points of this torrid love affair were iffy. Some times he'd disappear for a couple of days or weeks, some times I would. I guess Long Distance only works so long until one or the other, or both, find themselves needing physicality; and since the unwritten rules and regulations of "different area codes" tends to apply, well, you can only imagine what we'd do without each other knowing. Perhaps the actions caused some kind of guilt-trip, which prompted a breathing period to absorb this strange feeling for even someone 2100 miles away. And of course we'd find ourselves back within each others frequency, as if nothing had ever happened. All while still debating the details of making this affair not so long distance. He's tossed around the idea of moving me in with him and even looking after me till I find my place in the city. And on multiple occasions teased me with the notion of buying a one-way plane ticket into his loving arms. But alas, that notion has lasted month after month with no such follow-through on his part. But what was holding me back from going ahead and buying a ticket? Simple: Who's to say I'd buy a ticket and he'd leave me stranded at the airport, nowhere to be found, stood up, heartbroken. But I suppose the same could be said from his perspective: Who's to say I would even get on that airplane? EVEN though I wouldn't even so much as second-guess it. But "N" has stood me up on buying me the ticket just as much as I'd imagine he'd do so at his airport. And so our "relationship" began to deteriorate over false promises and distraught doubts.

We'd eventually lose touch again, and I'd eventually start dating again. Back to the grind. Hop online. Chat with guys. Meet them. Find something I like about them. Indulge. Arouse them. Sleep with them. Ditch them. Repeat. Sexually releasing the stresses of my heart. Repeat. Go on a sabatical. Hate the sabatical. Find another guy and so on. And every so often "N" would light up on my phone -- and as anticipated -- as if nothing happened. And so the routine would commence. And I thought to myself "Really!?" Is it possible for someone to truly find some sick, twisted sense of enjoyment in teasing the idea of importing someone from another city, on the precipes of chemistry and "love," only to string them along for months, even years, to no end? Is it possible that someone could find pleasure in paining someone else with false ideals and empty promises? I can't stop myself from being gullable and vulnerable to the advances of someone I find myself intimately attracted to; but maybe he used that as ammunition for his M16 that is his game and grasp over me. What does someone really get out of all this? I know I get a shit-ton of headache and heartache. Just a few days ago "N" popped up in my digital life again after a 2 month pause, caused by a fueled bout after yet another broken promise. His excuses, ever so benign, always seem to win me over. This time it was "family" issues, and him not wanting me to be involved in it. And of course, predictably, he'd make the promise of a ticket his way the following Friday -- and to my surprise (yes, I'm still surprised by it) -- he disappears again.

I've come across some players in my time, but none like this before. We go to sleep with the notion that tomorrow could bring good, but he seems to sleep with the promise that tomorrow he'll break hearts. I can only imagine how many others like me he's luring in; with his callous charm, new-age sleaze, his irresistable voice, and insanely sexy swagger. Maybe he's reacting to the same events someone once plagued him with, and finding some sense of closure in inflicting it on someone else. Or maybe he's afraid of what I could mean to him, as I already [knew] what he meant to me. At some point I almost believed in the idea of soul-mates, as he represented every detail and characteristic in a guy I've ever wanted. Or maybe none of it was real... Maybe he's some sick bastard who's not even gay -- not even who he says he is -- and gets off on breaking hearts because nobody would ever love his fat, hairy, repulsive ass in person. And they say "distance makes the heart grow fonder..." HA! -- which part -- The burn or the sting?