My So-Called Love Life

This site -- my anthology -- is the story of a man, a young man, trying to find his way to love. Experiencing everything in between and serving you his heart on a silver-freaking-platter to the naked eye, for the whole world to see; relate, indulge, delve, and hopefully learn from his mistakes. Happy Dating! Copyright © 2004-2011, "My So-Called Love Life" ® Mario Ion. All Rights Reserved.

Thursday, December 09, 2010

The Advice Column

The next few excerpts are snippets of Q&A's from my currently running advice column game I'm playing on (sigh) FaceBook. Some short questions followed by longer detailed answers by yours truly. Enjoy :)

Q: Head games after a break up when both parties know they'll get back together. Who will break first?

A: There comes a time in any relationship where two people really start to reevaluate their positions in said relationship. Sometimes that spark dulls out or often times turns into a backdraft, and all that's left to do is extinguish it or let... it burn. It's usually a result of putting too much anticipation or expectation into the relationship before it ever really starts. Too much too soon, as it were.

We live in The City That Never Sleeps and more often than not, we're forced into following its naturally fast pace. That goes without saying that even relationships tend to suffer that same fast pace. We almost never follow the simple guidelines to dating; taking things slow, getting to know the person before jumping in the sheet, etc., because living in such the fast-pace environment we're taught to live in moments. Sometimes we're blinded by chemistry. Sometimes it tricks us or even makes us believe there isn't a fine line between Chemistry and Connection. When that happens, we take good sex and confuse it for substratum to love-making, which in turn -- brings our expectations up so high that we start planning for something that shouldn't or couldn't be in the first place. As a result this can often lead to a series of break-up-to-make-ups.

So what happens when you suffer the wrath of the Push-and-Pull with someone because of misplaced feelings or emotions? How do you ascertain whether or not breaking up was the right thing to do or if it's possible to maybe even rekindle the old flame that once burned so bright? In a battle of the heart's desire and the mind's logic, the safest bet would be to follow your heart, as your mind... often plays tricks on you.

Who says there has to be a wait? A lot of people, myself included, love a person who takes the initiative, yes? But what happens if that same person is also waiting for that same initiative? Fuck it. Make the move if your heart is telling y...ou to. Skip the wait time and take it right to the bank ;)

Of course, this time around there should be lessons learned to tread carefully with. Maybe relive the moments when the relationship was fresh, and do things differently. Go on the same first date, or 3 dates. Take things slow. Get re-acquainted with the person.

Love means not having to say you're sorry, right? Wrong. Maybe you can start it off, apologize on your behalf, and an apology on theirs will follow. The one thing many relationships fail to simulate is Communication. Without it, we're lost in translation, and stuck in moments like these ;)

Q: I feel like my past issues are affecting my my relationships, I've become overwhelmed. How can I gain control back and just relax and have fun with love? How do you "let go" of past issues? Its easier said than done.

A: In an age where we're taught to take our past as a stepping-stone to our future; it's no surprise when the past becomes the reason you can't move on into your future. Initially it's said that the past is for learning lessons; the present is... for shaping up your future; and the future is for living out your dreams. But often times the past can be the thing that haunts our present, keeping us from our future.

Trauma (plurals: traumata, traumas) can represent:
From Greek τρaυμα = "a wound", compare verb τιτρώσκω (stem τρω-) = "I injure"
injury: any physical damage to the body caused by violence or accident or fracture etc. an emotional wound or shock often having long-lasting effects.

Psychological trauma is a type of damage to the psyche that occurs as a result of a traumatic event. When that trauma leads to posttraumatic stress disorder, damage may involve physical changes inside the brain and to brain chemistry, which damage the person's ability to adequately cope with stress.

That said, any physically or in this case emotionally taxing event that may have incurred in one's life, often has a high rate of lingering around for years on end; haunting and reminding you of such event(s); and often times may cause relapse(s) in the sense of falling into the same old habits. The most asked question for these kinds of ordeals is "How do I get out?" or rather "How do I let go?" Simply put: Time heals all wounds. Just as much as time should eradicate any intense situations or problems. The most one can do is cut ties to anyone or anything having any of the same similarity to your trauma.

Triggers. Avoid them at all costs. The way they work is simple: You see something / meet someone that represents many of the same characteristics of something or someone that has jaded you before, RUN. Because if you don't, the synapses in your brain will spark because it's familiar with it or them. And when that spark happens, you confuse it for a jolt of interest; when really, it's your warning sign. The only way to move forward in life is to burn the bridges that connect you to your past; people, places, habits, behaviors, even dating and relationship mannerisms. The future is not about reliving your past but making something entirely new based on the lessons you've learned from your past.

Q: so your dating someone for months....but the sex is bad...but everything else fits and is great what do you do?

A: You find ways to make the sex interesting. ;) Maybe the sex doesn't work in the bed. Maybe it works... In the kitchen. On the floor. Against the wall. In the back of the car. Out in public. etc.

There's a such thing known as "Performance Anxiety" which plays a large part in a lot of guys' lives, and often times can dull a sex life. Performance Anxiety is a big common issue that affects men and even women.

"It can cause one to acquire brutal anxiety when it comes time to engage in sexual activity. What ultimately happens is that you become so fully engrossed in the fear of the inability to perform, that it ends up overtaking what should've been a spontaneous flow of sexual feelings."

In regards to one who suffers Performance Anxiety:
"They tend to avoid sexual encounters
They can develop low self-esteem
The relationship may deteriorate
It can lead to sexual dysfunction"

Its effects varies based on the guy; some guys, it lowers their performance in the bed. Some guys, it causes premature ejaculation. And some guys, it can cause Impotence. The usual reason is because there's a lack of experience with sexual encounters and insecurity in one's self.

Just because someone may have a high libido and a raging hard boner when they are alone and masturbating, doesn't automatically suggest it's the same deal when with someone else. Granted if the person has a good deal of experience with sex, it may be a good time. But if the person is more reposed and introverted, and less experienced with sex, Performance Anxiety may kick in because frankly, they just don't know what to do with themselves. It causes a rush of fear, adrenalin, and will undoubtably cause a certain clumsiness.

If the guy is worth it, I'd say take your time with him; get him accustomed to you. You'd be surprised how much things can change once they grow comfortable with you, and confident with themselves. Other tips are pretty basic: spend lots of time with them naked, just hanging around. Once they become comfortable in their own skin they'll be able to perform better. If the sex is generally just dull and mediocre, find ways to make it interesting. Tell them what to do, where to hit it, how deep to go, how hard or how fast.

When you give direction, it arouses the person indefinitely because sexually, giving orders is frankly a big turn on for most guys. In most cases, they just go in for the kill and get it over with. If you spice it up, make it interesting, the outcome may be different. You can even try other new things; toys, positions, locations, etc. Variety is the spice of life and can very well be the spice of one's sex life ;)

Q: what do you do when your scared to get close enough to anybody to even start a relationship because you never had to be the person who did the pursuing?

A: GET IT WHILE IT'S HOT, BABY! ;) You don't wanna sit around and "wait" for things to fall into place on their own, trust me. You can very well risk them being swept off their feet by someone else, all for the sake of wha...t, a defense mechanism? Everybody to some extent is a little scared of getting close to someone else, that's a given. But when it comes to feelings, you simply cannot control them. Sure, you can bottle them up and maybe deal with them later. But when feelings come into play, they're either there or they're not.

I've always said that people should really ease off on the whole cat and mouse game, and just do what comes naturally. Sure the chase can sometimes be fun; but when you're running wild in the forest of love, and you don't trace the proper steps to the person, they too can easily fall off track and find another path -- and in turn -- find another person.

If the feelings are there and mutually comprehendable, why not just make the move? If you don't know how, just be creative and charming. If this person is a friend, I personally would do something like invite them out for lunch, somewhere cozy and not loud. I wouldn't suggest movies because, well, how can you really have a conversation over blaring surround sound? Be spontaneous. A lunch would be ideal, you get to sit intimately over food, maybe some wine or cocktails after, and just talk. And that's where you can lay it on them, that you're really feeling them and want to pursue something more. And the best part about that idea is, you practically already went on your first date with them ;)

Q: what do you do when you want to find someone who will be monogamous in a relationship but there doesn't seem to be anyone who believes in monogamy?

A: There are a lot of people out there who are interested in a monogamous relationship. The problem is finding them, yes. But another issue may be the way you carry out YOUR SELF. Change your approach and change your outlet to finding guys. Some may seem more contradicting to what you really want than others. But most of all, bring your standards up a knotch or two; and as I've said, change your approach.

Just as much as the universe gives out the energy you put out, GUYS too will give what you give. If you're meeting guys simply for casual sexual encounters, that creates a reputation to precede you with for them. They only see you for that one thing. Alternatively if you meet guys with the intention to say, connect and build chemistry, by dating and getting to know them; it opens up an opportunity window for the motive you set yourself after.

Think of the universe the next time you talk to a guy, and think to yourself what kind of energy you want to put out there.
You get what you give.


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