Regrowth

There comes a point in life, sooner or later, where you’re forced to look back – and I mean really look back – at where you’ve been in your life to get to where you are. Today’s just one of those days, I guess… One of those days where you kick back, relax, and reminisce while wishing you’d done things a little differently: like a certain diet you never followed, a certain religion you never practiced, a certain school you never attended, or a certain someone you never loved back. It’s hard to establish, when you’re in the moment, when something is good for you; and usually it’s a result of being so accustomed to some other bullshit routine you've convinced yourself is for you. More often than not we’ve snuffed some of the better influence(s) of our lives away for the sake of some premature, ill-mannered ideal. Things like that often make you believe that “everything happens for a reason, and that we learn from our experiences;” making a lesson of everything we’ve done. But what happens if what you thought was a lesson learned, was actually learned later on in life, causing you to rethink some of the decisions you’ve made? I’ve never been one to dwell on the past, but when you’re just starting your life and becoming the person you’ve always known you’d be, you’re left with this void; this insipid little feeling that maybe there’s some things you can go back and change: like an education you gave up on all for the sake of not knowing what the hell to do with yourself; like that one good job you turned down because, at the time, it didn’t “suit” you; like that Yoga class you turned down because convinced yourself you could do it on your own; like that small-business idea you completely recycled because your “business partner” you had in mind turned out to be a complete joke; like the book you’ve been “writing” for 4 years but never actually gotten passed the very first page; or the lover who gave you their all and continued to do so in your darkest days – but you snuffed away because you felt suffocated and inadequate – as if you couldn’t do the same. In a perfect world, there are no faults. All is forgiven and all can be amended. But let’s face it – this isn’t a perfect world. This is reality. We are held accountable for every breath we take, every decision we make, and every action we allow. We’re only as reliable as the defendant’s defense is defendable, as one would say. It’s inadmissible to go back and change things. And that’s the cold hard truth. We’re left with nothing more than to accept what is done, and hope for what will be. It is our sentient will to evolve and carry on. But when you trace back every moment, maybe this was the lesson – the illusion of grandeur – masquerading as some petty sense of morality and subjective consciousness.