My So-Called Love Life

This site -- my anthology -- is the story of a man, a young man, trying to find his way to love. Experiencing everything in between and serving you his heart on a silver-freaking-platter to the naked eye, for the whole world to see; relate, indulge, delve, and hopefully learn from his mistakes. Happy Dating! Copyright © 2004-2011, "My So-Called Love Life" ® Mario Ion. All Rights Reserved.

Tuesday, January 13, 2004

“The 'L' Word”

Everyone often wonders what Romance is all about. Some say it's the key to all relationships, others say it's splended. I don't know about that.. I mean, it seems that Romance DOES keep a relationship lively, but what is it for? I mean, do we HAVE to resort to a romantic occasion to forget about whatever problems we're going through? I thought in relationships, it takes Two. Not Romance. So, what are we being flattered for? The inability to compromise? Seriously. I've known lots of people who say Romance is something beautiful, but to what extent is it needed? We don't need a candle-lit dinner with a bottle of champagne to "rekindle" our mishappenness. I thought we only need eachother? I've been thinking how awfully similar all of these issues are. From Love, to Hate.. Breaking Up, to Starting Over.. Romance, to Sex. It's all a cycle. Each one of these issues continuously struggles to find out how to keep a relationship ALIVE... yet, struggling and worrying doesn't help at all, ya know? It's these certain indignities that drag us, and our relationships 6 feet under. But no one seems to realize it, until it's over. But as they say; "To Each His Own." Just don't ask me for advice when you've realized I was right, when doubted me wrong. It's not like I'm writing all this for nothing, I actually do this to help others realize what I couldn't... until now. So anyway, when it comes to Romance.. it's all a bluff. There's no such thing as Romance rather than the kinship between 2, who are in love. So, why go through with the fancy decorations and poetic words? It all ammounts to one thing in the end... Advertisement. It seems like everything, nowadays, isn't done for a paticular reason. It's done for advertisement. To show off who you're really NOT, but can accomplish.. for brownie points. In other cases, Romance is used for flattery. To prompt tears, in knowing how sweet someone can be. But why does Romance need to be an Occasion kind of thing? Why can't it be a routine? And most of all.. why does it seem to be used only when someone is in need of a better judgement? With all that said, it kinda makes me wonder...... When it comes to Romance, is it really just Lachrymatory?

“Sex Cells”

Sex is the number one asset of most Media organizations, reality says The world is very high-strung on Sex, that using it in the media; TV, Radio, Advertisements, etc. would bring the publishers higher ratings. Clever? sure. Righteous? NO. It seems there’s no such thing as Realism in this world anymore. I mean, everything is all about advertisement now, from Music to TV Series, to Newspaper Ads for Penis Enlargement supplements. Sex Cells, Literally. These organizations make it seem like it’s in their blood to use Sex as their official Logo for success. Monogamy never happened, Realism never happened, Fascism never happened…… HUMAN NATURE never happened. Ah, yeah sure, the media seems humble now, but give it another year or two. Reality Shows will turn into porno, Cable Porn will turn into Orgies, Pay Per View Porn will turn into Gangbangs, “COPS” will turn into a killing spree, Wrestling will turn into “Mortal Kombat”, so on and so forth. You get the idea. But, when it comes to Sex… it’s awfully overrated. But, if it gets the publishers and organizations higher rates, then so be it. Indulge us with some more stupidity. It kind of makes me wonder…. When it comes to the Media…… is Sex really just common sense?

“The 'ONE' Factor”

Everybody is so high-strung on the whole "The One" conspiracy, Me, I'm not... anymore. I've come to realize a few things. For instance; How can people resort to just ONE person when there's a whole world out there? And, how do people KNOW they've found "The One" unless they've dated the whole world? Why is Monogamy so overrated? I swear, it's like REALISM never happened. All these people, so content, so desperate on finding this "ONE" Character, it's ridiculous. Why resort to ONE? Nobody's Perfect, as they say. So, how do we know if this person even exists? I kind of have some little theory about it. But, let's get logical. Me and a few friends were out one day, had coffee at an outdoor coffee shop, when.. we see a woman, breaking down in tears. While crying, she said to herself; "I thought he was the one, how can I be so fucking foolish." I rest my case. How can everyone be so foolish? This "ONE" person doesn't exist at all. Well, at least not amongst another person. In fact, I have a logical explanation for that... but let's get into detail. So, "The One"; supposedly this person is PERFECT, right? And has every quality you admire, has EVERYTHING in common with you; interests and such. And is basically your other half. All of this propaganda makes me think, if we resort to ONE.. how will we ever expand our horizons and experience newer things? I mean, relying on just ONE person almost DEFINITELY crosses out your opportunities, such as; Learning from mistakes, experiencing different kinds of Love, enjoying Life without having to wonder what that ONE person is doing, and basically... being Free. With all that said... It kind of makes me wonder...... if we're looking for our "OTHER HALF", also known as "The One".......... are we really just trying to find ourselves?

“The Fatality Of Fate”

Everybody wonders how "Fate" happens to revolve around every damn thing.. especially Love. I've come to realize that WE make our own Fate, by making a mistake. It's these mistakes that create our Fate. But what happens when we DON'T make any mistakes, but our Fate still happens to be fucked up? Would you consider it Bad Luck, Bad Karma, or just BAD in general? I'd consider it Fate. Everybody makes a mistake. Wittingly or Not. They just do. Whether they realize it or not. When it comes to Love.... making a mistake is the most mysterious thing ever. Because you're never to sure if you've made one (or two, etc.), and you're never sure WHAT the mistake was. In a way, it's all mentally projected fears when you think about it.. I mean, what's a mistake without a misguided fear? Everybody wonders, if their mistake was for better or for worse... in my case. It was for better, to an extent.. and summed up what my "Fate" is. See, with Jay.. I came to realize, at one point.. that I was the one who shuts down emotionally... because I was so scared of losing him in a more destructive manner, that it would cause us to instantly break connection. Hence- Misguided Fear + Mistake = FATE. So, me and him agreed to be friends... but eventually, we fell back into Old Habits. And repeated what we needed to resolve, once more. And eventually, broke up AGAIN. And of course, became friends. Which is where it stopped. Because, when it comes to Fate, I'm a true believer. If there wasn’t any Fate involved in my case, I would be with him, right? But I'm not. It's all pretty clear to me now, we're just not meant to be together. Maybe this whole time, we were just meant to be "Friends." I don't know. Though the pain I feel everyday, because of this knowledge, hurts so badly, to the point where my depression has me NUMB, Literally. I understand. We're Over.. and if Fate IS a part of this, we're not meant to be together. As clichè as that sounds. But sometimes, I still consider a reconciliation, I mean.. I can't get over him, and I honestly can't see myself with anyone else. Call me delusional, but delusion is what depression causes. But, as they say.. Seasons come and go, Years pass.. and Boyfriends come In and Out your Life. The most you can do is move on, and worry about what the future will bring for you, considering (in my case), the Present was just painful. It kind of makes me wonder........ is it at all possible for us to make a Mistake to miss our Fate?

“Fitting The Mis-Fit”

It turns out you CAN be friends with an Ex. All it takes is Understanding, and a little seclusion from Emotional feelings. It's pretty Legit when you think about it, I mean.. I know I've talked about this one too many times, but you can't throw an EX to the gutter. It's just not kosher to do. So, what happens to the Love? It goes into the Friendship. When you Love somebody, face it.. the Love NEVER dies. And when the Relationship falls apart, you can't expect the Love to Die and Vanish, you got to keep it alive if you want a healthy "Love Life." So, you remain friends with your EX. As I'm doing. Face it, No single person can really EVER get over an Ex, that meant everything to them. So, you keep them in your Life. They'll always mean as much as they did to you then, as they still do NOW, and always will. So why do people bother trying to MOVE ON and Forget, instead of Move On and Remember? It's all clear when you put concise thought into it. You fall In-Love, Break Your Heart.. thus Growing Pain which helps you Learn. It kind of makes me think... Exes are like our Teachers. So why put them behind you? They've taught you what you've learned from them.. they're basically your Mentor. Hence- Remembering. It's all in a matter of preservation when you think about it.. You Learn from your ex, you admire them as your mentor, you remember them, and you preserve what they've taught you for your next "Assignment." Exes are also great to rely on when you're troubled, considering they know EVERYTHING about you... they're also basically your Shrink as well. So, think about it.. is it really that good of an Idea to just put these guys behind us? It makes me wonder... when it comes to being single, and you AREN'T friends with an ex, without someone THAT great in your life who knows everything there is to know about you............. who will be there to catch you when you fall?

“Patch It Up”

A Boyfriend and a Cigarette.. surprisingly, they're nothing different. When it comes to comparison.. you want them both, you need them both, especially when you're stressed out.. and they're both Addicting. So what happens when you want to quit? You Patch It Up. As of Today, I quit. And as I said.. I'm going to Patch It Up. I see no point in having a boyfriend when there's always the possibility of getting hurt. And I see no point in smoking considering it Kills..... not that I mind that but I actually want to Live to see 25. So I officially QUIT. Love is so overrated these days. So many people are falling in and out of Love and bragging about it to every single person, literally. I'm just sick of hearing about it. It's funny how there's all these Holidays, each one is specifically MEANT for Couples.. and it's funny how there's all these occasions and not ONE is dedicated to Single people. You got Weddings, where you attend the ceremony and give the newly eloped Gifts and Checks. There's Anniversaries, DEFINITELY meant for Couples.. where they exchange gifts and all that crap. There's Baby Showers and/or Celebration of a New-Born coming home.. where everyone gives the Mother and Father gifts, cash, this and that. I can go on and on with the occasions.. and not ONE is for Single people. It's ridiculous, but yet.. reassuring to know that the World is so bias. It's like.. no matter your joy, it can only mean a shit on a stick if you're Married. And then they wonder why World Peace is so hard to find. HELLO! This world is practically divided into 2. The Married and the Single. So of course it's going to seem like a War. I think Independence Day should have a new meaning. It should be dedicated for us who are Single. What's ONE Holiday going to kill if it's dedicated to us? I look around and I see couples and I want to puke. Love is shown to advertise nowadays. Don't got it? You're nobody then. Fuck them. You don't NEED Love. Just like you don't NEED a Cigarette. But you want it. You crave it. I say Patch It Up and move on with Life because Love isn't worth ANYTHING if you're eventually going to get hurt. We shouldn't have to get hurt. Why can't Philanderers just admit themselves before hurting anybody? Same goes for Misogynists, and Sexists. I don't see why everybody has to wear a Mask just to prevent any agony when we can and SHOULD just walk out there, exposed and vulnerable. That way, we can attract what WE want. Not what we're running away from. I also don't see a point in Zodiac comparison. That's such a pathetic concept. Are you really going to resort yourself to just what a hoaxing PSYCHIC claims is right for you? I'm just so sick of this understated world everybody walks freely around. Why do people have to hide themselves? Why can't everybody just do something RIGHT for a change and expose themselves. So what if someone breaks your heart because you were over-exposed. SO WHAT?! It's a way better heartbreak than the heartbreak of Flaw. At least you walk away with Dignity. Love is just.... pointless. So many worlds divided because of the fear of being hurt. TAKE THE FUCKING CHANCE! I mean, gees.. we got the One Night Stands, Fuck Buddies, Casual Sex, Meaningless Sex, Dating, Long Term Relationships. So many different Genres just for Love. It's pathetic. I say Patch Up whatever pathetic fears that's holding you back.. and enjoy Life, WITHOUT THE MASK. Stop hiding yourselves and Stop lying to yourselves. Everyone, No matter what Genre they're in.. complains about not being able to find Love. I can't help but wonder.... how can you find "Love" if you're Living a Lie?

“Zsa Zsa Zsu, But Then Came You”

From Love, To Hate.. From Romance, To Casual Sex, From One Night Stands... To Bullshit. What IS a One-Night-Stand anyhow? And why do people literally Live by it as if it were a fucking Religion? I wish I knew, but I have some sort of idea. One Night Stands, benefiting from Sex and Discreet Emotions, gives idiots who intently stick to one nighter's, the opportunity to Fuck someone's brains out without having to show emotion. Why? Because of the fear of Evolving an emotional feeling for the other, and eventually getting hurt.. and/or Heart-broken. People use One Nighter's to abstain from emotional distress because if they DID show any feelings, more concise than sensation.. they'd clearly evolve a relationship. If not, the one who exposed his/her feelings would get hurt. Emotionally. It's like a train wreck these days.. so many people living by "One Night Stands" because they're scared of getting hurt, that eventually, they'll get used to not showing emotions, and fucking their love-life away.. Literally. So let's rewind and fast-forward, it wouldn't make a difference. If Fear is such a content factor in people's lives.. what chance would they have at a "Happy Ending"? I mean, they're so worried about getting hurt, intently hide their emotions, addictively have constant sex.. where is the love? Everybody, Romantics or Sex-Antics, needs Love. But what's Love without the "Zsa Zsa Zsu" and only the orgasms? I mean, let's face it.. we all have at least 1 "One Night Stand" in our lives.. and DON'T really like it. Those who "DO" like it, are only lying to themselves. They don't LIKE it. They just resort to it because of the fear of showing emotions and connecting with someone on a deeper level. In a way, we all have that fear. We're all scared of getting hurt, but come on! The majority of us who have these fears don't necessarily resort to just Sex to abstain from being hurt. At least not conflictively. They say "Sex Sells", well.. that can be true. Considering the only thing it's selling is our emotions on a fucking platter. So, with all the emotions and "fear of being hurt" propaganda aside.. why do people continuously have "One Night Stands" or a "Fuck Buddy"? What's it worth besides a Good or Bad lay? OK, let's try to think like those promiscuous idiots for a minute.. Sex is fun (I guess), Sex is compelling, and all that crap.. but honestly, get real.. Sex is Meaningless if it's just Meaningless Sex, dontcha think? I mean.. alright, let's put it this way.. if "One Night Stands" took over the population of those who Date, those who Love and those who elope.. What would Sex between those who love-each other be like? If Meaningless Sex overthrew the world......... What's left of ANYTHING if we Fucked somebody and threw them to the gutter like a used condom? What ever happened to "Zsa Zsa Zsu"? What ever happened to Love? and most of all.. What ever happened to Human Nature?

“Test Of Time”

They say "Shake It 3 Times And You're Playing With Yourself." Well, that can also reflect on a Relationship. In my case, Reconciliation is on my mind. I broke up with him once.. expected a Change, ended up with the same result. Broke up with him twice, once again.. same results. I'm thinking of going for a Third. I've realized that when it comes to Love, I, infact.. seem to be the one to shut-down, emotionally. I guess I'm just so used to being hurt, that when I actually have a chance at Love.. and it's right there in front of me.. I get scared. So, what if I go for a third? Would I be "playing with myself" by falling into old habits and getting hurt again, self-inflictively? I'd say so. I guess you can say I'm a Commitment-phobic. Just the thought of being Loved in return, plus my bad experiences.. seem to condemn my relationships. Is it the fact that I've been hurt so many times that I'm scared I might get hurt again? Or is it the fact that I don't REALLY know what Love is, and maybe I'm just not ready for it? I don't know. People always tell me; "You're Young! You got a whole life ahead of you!" Please, I've heard that one too many times. Sure, Age-wise.. I'm young. But Mentally, I'm like a 30 year old. Thus searching for someone who ISN'T my age. It's funny, I'm young but yet so mentally stable, and 75% of today's youth is spending their youth, Fucking every broad and stud they get a chance at. Meanwhile, deep in their minds.. they're bitching about not being able to find love. Ironic, they're fucking.. yet wanting Love. I can't help but think.. In relationships, is it better to work from the outside -- in? From what I've experienced, my problem is always wanting to get Inside a person, emotionally. Before I go for a "Homerun" in bed. But yet, the part of the world I despite.. Those who work from the outside -- in.. are more successful at love. It's weird, I finally had Love at my fingertips, but I threw it all away because of my senseless fears of it ending in a more destructive manner. I'll admit, I'm not over him.. yet. I'm not sure I want to get over him, but as they say "There's plenty of Fish in the sea." I'm pretty sure I'll find someone. It's like everywhere I turn, I keep going back to the one thing I need to walk away from. Life is too short to be hung up on someone who getting back with is just.. Impossible. Who am I kidding? I'm always finding Love in all the wrong places.. but in a way, it's like a test of time, which I fucking hate. No matter the situation, I find myself bargaining with Time. It makes me think.. they say "Mr. Right" could be right under our noses, and we don't realize it.. could this TIME factor have a meaning? Does TIME help bring two great friends Closer? "A Bright Start Means A Bright Future." Maybe it is a test of time, I mean.. I've always tended Rush things, unwittingly. Which eventually lead to Chaos. This whole Time chaos may be a way of teaching me to be patient. I can't help but wonder.. When it comes to Emotions, does Distance only bring two people closer?

“EXmas And A New Year”

Independence.. everyone's born with it, but nobody can hold onto it forever. That's what boyfriends are for. They're there for you when you need them the most. When you can't seem to bring your independence to help you with a personal crisis.. or in several cases, sexual gratification. What happens when you lose that boyfriend? What happens when you get too used to the help, too used to it that you're practically addicted to it.. and the relationship falls apart? The independence is lost.. and the constant need for someone to be with you, to help and to hold you, is born. Relationships to me are the art of reflecting on similarities, familiarities, and overall... Oneness. What happens when you lose that "Oneness"? You lose yourself. I mean, relationships don't help you with your insecurities or subconscious tendencies. They only help you with loneliness, and of course.. Pleasure. There's no cure for insecurity. There's only a temporary relief.. a Relationship. I just don't see how people can lie to themselves when they know, all relationships are bound to end, whether it's maliciously intended.. on you or your mate's part. Or doomed by Death. They end. Why do people have so much faith? How come I don't have ANY, what-so-ever. Every year passes by and I still don't understand what the word "Faith" means, I mean.. gees, I've had no reason to believe it exists AT ALL, Ever. How come others do? I mean, is it Faith, self inflicted. Or do they have someone that's convinced them? All I want for Christmas is Faith. I don't see that happening though. Hard Times build character, they say.. why haven't I built up MY character? I look around the world and I see couples.. together, happy, in love, whole.. or.. ONE. But how can they be so happy.. and NOT seem to worry about the possibilities and the results, if it ever came to that? Could it be this Curiousness that ends all relationships? I mean, I've been "Curious" SO many times.. all it has ever done for me was doom a relationship. I guess this "Curious" state of being is the act of Trust. And with that said.. Being Curious obviously means you don't trust, yourself or your mate. I'm sure everyone is curious, paste-tense or even this very moment.. and if being "Curious" means not being able to Trust.. why do people literally RELY on their mates to help them with whatever they need? Why do people resort to just ONE person when there's a whole world out there? How do people know if they've found "The ONE." And while I'm at it.. Why does everything have to revolve around "ONE"?

“Moving On”

When someone says they're "Moving On", What are they moving on from? What are they moving on to? What IS moving on? What does it mean? I think that Moving On is just Running.. running away from Fear. The Fear being that if you kept the person you're running from, a factor in your life.. you'd eventually fall into old habits and get hurt.. AGAIN. Hence- Moving on.. or Running Away. As a kid, I was told to put the Bad things behind me. I could’ve sworn Love was a good thing? But then again, if you got hurt, yeah.. I guess it's bad. But it was Love, so how can we just put it behind us intently? Love isn't perfect, you know? You got to work on the flaws and build it into "Perfection." You take Love AS IS.. not for granted. Anyway, say you DO break up with someone you love.. why do you got to Move On? Why can't we be friends with an ex? I guess what they say is true; "Old Habits Die Hard." I wonder, since being friends with an ex is so hard.. would this inevitable concept lead the world to Chaos? If we keep moving on and not be able to remain friends with an ex, who WAS someone you loved.. eventually, the whole world would be full of enemies. So, if we CAN move on but CAN'T remain friends with our exes.. What chance do we all have at World Peace? I mean, eventually the cycle will evolve. If we keep running, we'll never know if we CAN be friends with an ex. With all that said.... are WE the bad guys?

“The Perversions Of The Heart”

In relationships, whether it's just Casual Sex or actually meaningful.. There comes a time, or a few times where you debate where the relationship is heading. And it's These particular time's that are the deal-breakers of a relationship. Why? because if it were heading anywhere.. you wouldn't have to debate anything. "There's a Reason for everything." They say. Very true.. to an extent. When we reach the deal-breaker moments, we usually just Ignore it and move on with our lives. Some, very few.. take time to understand why it all went down that way. A heart is like a Stone.. that's waiting to be melted by the warmth of a kind soul. Stone can't be melted. You get the Idea. We're all waiting for our hearts to be taken away by "Mr. Right" or whatever the hell his name is.. which leaves us vulnerable. Because we're never too sure if we know who he is, or if he is amongst our presence. We trust and believe so easily in words they speak, and in the end... we're right back where we started. Alone. Seeking. Desperate. Depressed. Etc. It makes me wonder.. We're all so vulnerable and easy to break, are we whores? I mean, we can get into relationships, have sex on occasion or regularly.. exchange gifts on certain occasions, borrow cash from each other when necessary... Are we whores.. on a more mutual, emotional level of League? I don't think we'd ever be able to see behind the emotions if we're so blinded by our vulnerabilities and insecurities. It kind of makes me think.. what type of relationship would we get ourselves into if we didn't have these flaws? We'd be just like them, the majority.. Sex-Craved, Extra-maritalists.. Philanderers. What if these Flaws, our insecurities and vulnerabilities are the only thing to keep us from the cold, hard truth? The truth being, that these values keep us from hurting ourselves, by realizing that we ARE whores. I mean, I don't mean to sound like a "Feminist" or anything, but.. if love existed, we wouldn't be so soft and easy to ruin.

“Dulcè, Dulcè”

Forrest Gump once quoted; "Life is like a Box of Chocolate.. You Never Know Whatcha Gonna Get." Same goes for Love. LOVE is Like a Box of Chocolate... You never know what you get until it's... over. No, not pimples or fat or whatever. Actually, a waste. A waste of Time and Effort in swallowing.. Swallowing all that Pain and Torment. Because in the end, you want more. As you would with Chocolate... you get the point. When we fall in-love.. Do we fall IN-LOVE, or are we just overwhelmed by act of being treated Royally... to an extent. As we would when we're biting into a... let's say, Chocolate. Or anything sweet that tickles our taste-buds. Maybe I'm being silly but come on.. let's lay out the detail.
Love is: Overwhelmingly Royal, Played for keeps, Taken for granted, Sweet, Charming, Completing, yada yada yada..
Chocolate, or anything Sweet is: all of the above.
OK, I was never the Passionate type nor the Romantic but.. Biting into Chocolate is like Sex on Silk bedspreads. It's golden, it's indulging, it's.. surreal. When you have Sex, or Make Love (whatever you want to consider it), it's sensational, emotional, it's... Whole. Is Love really the Webster's Dictionary definition; "A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness." Or is Love really just.. Desire. Or inflicted Pleasure? Pleasure, which. once again.. by Webster's Dictionary definition; "The state or feeling of being pleased or gratified." or "Sensual gratification or indulgence." When we fall "IN-LOVE", is it really Love or is it our Fixations coming to a mend?

“Holding On And Letting Go” (#1 Admired Column)

When you end a Long-Term relationship, for good.. You're left with memories and regret. The regret of ever getting yourself and someone you love in the mess you've gotten yourselves into. Thus- Why we take some time off of Dating, to heal. Because if you jump right into another relationship, the Regrets that you haven't taken the time to get over, will haunt you. Both Emotionally and Mentally. Hence- Why we take time off of relationships after a break-up. Sometimes you even Hold On to that person, though not physically.. but emotionally. Because just Letting Go of someone you once loved or still love, that's made such an impact on your life.. just isn't easy. That's why we Hold On.. at least until we're OK to Let Go and move on. Holding On, on the other hand.. isn't necessarily easy either. Because not only are we never too sure if Letting Go is the right thing to do, but Holding On can turn into an obsession. Which is NEVER a good thing. Letting Go is the only option and clearly, the last resort.. in that matter. Memories are the only thing we CAN officially hold onto, considering Memories fade and die. On the other hand.. Holding On to someone.. they'll never fade, 'cause you'd never allow that to happen. Wittingly or not. Hence- Obsession. Either way, you're screwed. 'Cause not only is Letting Go NOT something you wanna do.. but neither is Holding On, because of the fear of evolving an obsession. In the end, Letting Go seems to be the only courageous thing to do. But what if we Hold On? Are we Holding On because we're still In-Love or are we Holding On because we're Obsessed?

“All Or Nothing”

Yesterday I broke up with someone I thought I'd be with for.. well, Forever. Shit happens. I put my Left foot in, I put my Left foot out, I put my Left foot in and now I'm all alone. I wonder what Forever means. I don't even think it has a meaning. It's such a fucked up transition. I gave it my all, held on as long as I could but in the end, I ended up with nothing. Fairy-Tale romance is such bullshit. Why I resorted myself to such a prevailing devotion? I'll never know. But I do know this; Never get attached until you know for-sure if the relationship is even going anywhere. Otherwise, everything you've attached will be lost. I had to learn that the hard way. And in MY case, it was my heart that I attached and lost, unfortunately. Becoming too emotionally involved too quick and easily seems to be my problem, cuz as they say.. Rushing things can result in chaos. Which is True, believe it or not. And YES, substantially... It should be more than "MEETS THE EYE." It should be "Meets The Heart." or something, cuz it's not what you see to believe.. It's what you see to know, to understand. Letting yourself fall in-love too soon before you're even sure you know the person or where the relationship is heading, is a Death-wish. You may THINK you know the person but really, all it is that you know is what THEY want you to know. You got to seep under their skin and find out every possible little detail, everybody hides something from people. In the end, It's ALL or Nothing.

“New Beginnings, Old Endings”

Life, Death, Love, Hate.. it all means one thing in the end; Nothing. Why? Because, every beginning has an end, nothing lasts forever. It sucks when you think about it.. not being able to have and hold something or someone until YOU decide to let go. It shows you what kind of world we're dealing with here.. Loveless. Everybody's having Sex, there's no room for Love. To me, I think it's all a mentally projected fear. Fear that if you stop having sex, and get more serious.. hmmm.. Seriousness is the phobia. This world's not ready to connect with each other on a more mutual level, rather than intimate. I wonder why. Is the Real fear, the fear to commit? Is it because commitment strains you from humping every willing bloke you get a chance at, or because commitment takes away from you what you DON'T want taken away.. The Freedom of FUCK! Commitment begets Loyalty begets Love begets a mere Mutual Seriousness, thus- What 95% of the world isn't ready for. In a way, it all revolves around the Fear of Self. Nobody is a Nymphomaniac.. I mean, sure, Sex probably is a great thing but nobody can live without Love. It's just that Love is a serious matter, which involves seriousness, loyalty, commitment.. it's all a chain of fears. But if a simple fear of being Serious draws you away from Love. . . I see your insecurities got the best of you.

“A Simple Word That Completes Us”

Everyone is born with an empty void. All it takes is Love to fill that emptiness. "Why?" you ask? Because True Love isn’t an experience we're adapted into. It's an experience we Learn. See, we're Loved by our parents, family, friends.. etc. But it's nothing like the Love you have for someone you'd do just about anything for, or have such an endless passion for. See, without True Love, we'd die on the Inside. Because that empty space will eat at us, continuously.. until it has nothing left to feed on, Emotionally. Thus- Why Love completes us. I think this is because you see yourself in the one you truly love, and you understand each other. I think it is the fact that seeing yourself in the one you Love is an amazing comfort, and you feel safe and sound from anything, because as a team, you can overcome just about anything. Being able to Understand means so much as it means being able to understand yourself. 'Cause if you weren't able to, you wouldn't have yourself, and wouldn't be able to Love. If you fall in love but not have the ability to understand yourself, you'll never be able to understand Love and what it is that makes you fall in love. I know I'm not making any sense but that's what Love does to ya. I can't really explain it, but it's like knowing what to show for yourself, and knowing what kind of person you want to be.. as long as it keeps the love alive. So the next time you find yourself so deliriously self-involved..... It's Only Love.

“Friends And Lovers”

Everybody falls in love. Some sooner than most but they fall in love, right? But what if it's just the Warmth, Comfort.. and that.. "Whole" feeling that's making us believe we're in love? I mean, is it really Love or is it just the compelling, comforting presence of a friend? You can tell them everything, count on them for anything, etc. As you would with a Friend. I mean, Love begets Care, Care begets Loyalty which begets Friendship. Or vice versa. You make a Friend by having things in common as you would when you're evolving a Relationship. So, if you look at it the way I am... Friendship and Relationship are basically the same thing. Except Relationships have more benefits.. Intimately, but that stuff doesn't matter.. to ME at least. Let's get a little more in detail.. Friendship: Things in Common, Hang Out, Have Fun, There For Each other, Care For Each other, Love Each other. Relationship: The same qualities and values with a little bit more, like Sex, Buying Each other Nice Things, Saying "I Love You" More Frequently and Live Together. But friends can live together and possibly even have Sex when they aren't getting it elsewhere, and they can say "I Love You" more often so they know they care for each other, right? I can't help but wonder..... when we "Fall In love", do we really just make an amazing friend?

“Sex IN The City”

Sex, 95% of the worlds population.. while the other 5%, us real people.. who say looks don't really matter, all that counts is the feeling. Thus- Why we have trouble finding someone, because 23% of the worlds population are "Hot" people who are only looking for the other "Hot" people. Only because they don't believe Beauty really IS skin deep. And choose their mates depending on how they look. 67% are men who are only looking for a good fuck. "No Strings Attached" supposedly. Did I mention they're old, ugly or just not your type? Now I did. So, the Final 5%, us real intellectuals, are just looking for Love. Sad but true, this world's a fucked up place when it comes to Love. It makes me wonder... what kind of world does it make for today’s youth and the unborn generations? Quite a fucked up one. How will they grow into today’s Lifestyles and what kind of environment will have an impact on their lives? Not a positive one, that's for sure. Will Love ever exist in more than 5% if the world is so STUCK on beauty and sex? Who knows. Leave it to the youth of today and tomorrow to make a change, 'cause this time around, with more than half the world being so compelled on impulses, rather than emotions.. There's NO Hope. Not for us at least. The only thing we can hope for is a better place for the kids. But does the world have enough of that kind of Love to make that effort? Will the world ever FULLY accept Love? Is it so wrong to Love?


Change, everybody's willing to make one.. but no one's ever too sure if they're ready to. But why Change? Everyone's Flawed, nobody's PERFECT. It's these flaws that make us who we are. The only Changes one can accomplish is the Change of Appearance. At the Cost of tens of thousands of dollars.. but that's not the case. Changing one's own undertows is as impossible as going back in time, or anything impossible for that matter. The only real Change that IS possible is the acceptance of one's own Flaws. Even if it was possible, why would you want to Change? It gives us the advantage of knowing who accepts you for who you are, and who's True to you. Change means nothing when nothing wants to change, but Change means everything when you understand why you'd change.. for what purpose. If I could change anything about myself, I'd change my unique talent of being uniquely UNTALENTED at Love.. and make it not exist, because as any normal person.. I need Love to survive. But we all have our Fairy-Tale dreams and horrific Nightmares. My life IS a walking nightmare, but in a way.. so is everyone's. So, we all have our nightmares, flaws, and our desire to change.. but in the end, What is Change?...... Just another one of our Fairy-Tale dreams, which we can only wish to be a reality.

“Coulds And Couldnts”

A guy says he could make your dreams a reality, but couldn't last long enough for you to awaken from the nightmare. The nightmare being the completely impossible relationship you're stuck in. He then says he could give you everything you need, but it turns out he couldn't. He then realizes that everything he swore he could do or be, revealed to himself that he COULDN'T! So, why do people pretend to be a fucking God? Gees! They make it seem like everybody's born with 2 Identities.. The Nerd and The Imposter. The Nerd half thought he could add 1 + 1 to make 2 people, then Add the souls into one. Sorry, the Idiot couldn't. And The Imposter half thought he could do everything else, nope.. he couldn't. Do the Math, 1 Nerd + 1 Imposter = 2 Idiots, Divided into 1 person, Equals 1 COMPLETE JACKASS! Drop the act, your Dad's Credit Card, and the fake smile for just a minute and try to understand that any REAL person would only want you to be yourself. No need for impressions. Unless you ARE a Nerd, an Imposter, 2 Idiots in 1 person to make a Total Jackass.. then forget it. Otherwise, stop embarrassing yourself and BE yourself. That's all it takes, believe it or not. Now try it. You might be surprised.

“The Caring Game”

Mr. Right, everyone dreams of him. but no one ever finds him in the waking life. Sometimes you even think you've found him, but how many times can one fool them self? Mr. Right doesn't exist.. you can only hope as much as an adaptable man who you can change into what YOU would consider "Mr. Right". Which infact, is a one-in-a-million. I once was so convinced that I had found my Mr. Right.. yeah, more like Mr. YEAH Right! It really sucks finding someone so great, falling in-love, giving them your heart.. and just as you're ready to give them your ALL.. something happens. A blinding realization, Pure Truth. You realize that something isn't right and suddenly, you feel so alone. What happened? You realized that you were about to give your all in a relationship that's bound to end. Shit happens. So now you realized that everything is going to fall apart, but do you think you're ready to end everything? FUCK NO! As hopeless as you're feeling, you realize that you care too much to let go, and decide to start over.. from scratch. Minus whatever problems there were last time. And right when you think everything's perfect.. you realize you're in the same old shit again! Life is such a fucking bitch, but I guess that's what you get in "The Caring Game." Who's to blame? No one told me to give my heart away, 'cause now I'll never get it back. I thought it was Destiny, maybe not in this life-time. He can keep my heart for as long as he wants. I don't want it back! Besides, I wouldn't be able to handle it as good as he was able to. Call me sappy but, everyone's been burned. Even someone as horrible as me. So, now you know why I am the way I am.. I DON'T HAVE A HEART! But I'm sure I'll get it back.. the day me and him are meant to be together. Even if it takes Lifetimes.

“The Border Line”

Sometimes in life, people make mistakes. But what is Life without Mistakes, Mistakes without Doubts, Doubts without Fear, and Fear without Love? Life is like a big cycle of Misshapenness and Mistakes. But People DO make the same mistakes OVER AND OVER again. But for what, "For what" wanders around in your little mind all the time after you fuck yourself up the ass by falling into these mistakes OVER AND OVER again. Why? Is it Conundrum? Coincidence? Fate? DESTINY? Nobody's DESTINED to be Fucked over. It just happens. And when it does, of course it's going to hurt. Suddenly, I begin to believe the phrase; "You can't expect the unexpected." Which is so true, you can't EXPECT a mistake to happen. Mistakes are like Bad Karma.. they bitch-slap you right when you think everything couldn't get worse. An Intended Doubt, A Senseless FEAR. In Relationships, some say it takes dedication to deal with the bullshit.. but THAT is bullshit. It takes Dedication to put up with it.. sure, it doesn't mean it has to be there you know? People forge breaking up, and verge reconciliations. Some call it Reincarnation of the Soul, I call it BULLSHIT. You break up with someone for a certain reason, it's that certain reason that will always Flaw the relationship. So why go back for more? Are we Sadists or Masochists to want someone so unavailable who will ALWAYS seem to hurt you in some way, or Optimists for wanting to put up with it only 'cause we love the fucker so much? Everyone wonders when ENOUGH is ENOUGH, but why? We keep going back for more to try to figure out when ENOUGH IS ENOUGH... but isn't One Heart-Break enough?

“I DO... Disapprove”

I think there's a fine line between Marriage and Divorce. The fine line being an advantage at monogamy, and overall success.. with Money. You get married and the next thing you know, you've got yourself a hefty Trust-Fund. And when it comes to Divorce, with you calling the shots and a good enough reason, You get the benefit of the doubt.. LITERALLY. So basically, the poor innocent guy who got on his knee on that Romantic occasion, is FUCKED. Thus- why I disapprove of Marriage. Personally, I'm not gold-digger but whoever is, is better off being a Prostitute. You have Sex, get Engaged, Married, and Divorced all for just a few extra thousand bucks in your wallet, When you can just have sex for money and earn twice as much money as you do in a Divorce.. in HALF the time it takes to get Engaged, Married and Divorced. Aside from the money, What is Marriage? A piece of fucking paper, when by Soul.. you can be with that special someone 'Till Death Do You Part. So, aside from the annoying, preaching Minister and the pretty Flowers and Dresses and Tuxedos.. AND the DULL ASS CEREMONY.. Marriage is basically Selling Your Soul to the Inability to Trust. You don't need a piece of paper to know you each trust each other, you just need each other. So who are you fooling by getting married? Only yourself. I mean, does it really take a Ring and the words; "I DO" to know you really Love someone?

“Love and Death”

Ever realized how in some relationships, there's always the one who claims their love for the other is so strong, they'd risk their life.. in Death, for the person they love IF it came down to that? I find it complete BULLSHIT. If you've ever secretly observed their relationship.. you'd see that their both miserable fucks. One's willing to stay in the relationship 'cause he/she has nowhere else to go and nothing else to do. Meanwhile the other is struggling his/her ass off to get the hell out of the relationship. So the whole DYING FOR THE ONE HE/SHE LOVES thing is just a bluff, some sort of secret, encoded way of saying He/She would rather DIE than continue to be battered or whatever in the relationship. But the majority of relationship mate's who say that, actually mean it.. surprisingly. Only because they are so blinded by the love they have for the other, which is so sad but in a way.. Romantic. But dying for someone? COME ON, this is the 21st Century here, not the fucking Romeo and Juliet days. Everyone DIES, wittingly or not, they die. Whether it's dying for someone or just a "Wrong Place, Wrong Time" cliché. I think in relationships.. There comes a time where someone wants out, and would risk their life doing so.. Thus- the whole Dying For The One You Love ideal. I still don't understand why people are so afraid to just.. Break Up. It wouldn't hurt as much as dying for him/her, you know? Is it because breaking up also includes time to heal, or because breaking up consists of an argument, a goodbye Fuck, and a goodbye Kiss. As well as the awkward "We just fucked and we're breaking up" morning event. Look.. If you want out of a relationship, Just go right out the door.. and if that's so hard, Try the back door. There's always a way out of everything. Even a Lost Love.