“Singled Out”

New York City is the place to be when you’re single. You’ve got the fine bars, the exciting clubs, the peaceful coffee shops, and even an ex boyfriend. Everybody claims that they enjoy the single life, for the fact being that they can have as much fun as they want. But when you really think about it and take a deeper look into the whole concept, you realize that they’re only having this so-called ‘Fun’ because they need something, even the slightest bit of distraction to keep from melting down due to a break-up. What happens when you’re the type who doesn’t want to have fun... who doesn’t believe in running away from things as much as approaching? People say being single is the best thing, but I’m pretty sure they miss the feeling(s) they have when they wake up to a lover right beside them, when they fall asleep with a lover right beside them, when they have someone to hold onto, someone to rely on, someone to miss, someone to call, someone to love. Being single isn’t all that great when you think about it, I mean, yeah sure... it can be fun for the time being but when you subtract the FUN from the Heartbroken Miserable... it’s not really fun, it’s more like a cover to hide the fact that you’re vulnerable, and weak, and lonely. Independence is overrated now that I think about it. It’s a sad excuse for not wanting to live, but not having to admit it. Being single gives you EVERY reason to anticipate the ordeals of Independence... but gives you NO reason to interpret the obligation of living alone for the rest of your damn life. Sure, breaking up is a hard thing to do when you know it’s the end of something that was once great, but it’s not the end of the world. People break up every 14 seconds, people DIE every 7 heart-beats... and we complain about being lonely. When the truth is, we’re not really helping the concept, for the fact being that we’re just sitting on our asses in hopes that ‘Love’ will somehow find it’s fucking way to us. They say; “Live Each Day As If It Were Your Last”, but in a City like New York... every day IS the last. Every day is an end of a relationship, an end of a life, an end of SOMETHING, and more or less... everything. When it comes to the Single Life........ how bad can it be to commit to something without commitment?

“What It Is To Learn”

Once upon a time.... there were 2 men. Once they met, they instantly fell in love. Their relationship instantly began... and it was splendid. As it progressed, they learned that the relationship had one flaw... a Lack of Physical Contact. It seemed that the more they tried, leading to failure... caused them to slowly fall apart. Knowing that falling apart isn’t something they want happening, they tried to not worry about it and continued the relationship. As it went on, he learned more about his lover, but tried not to confront him about it, for the sake of happiness. Until his lover brought up the whole ‘Let’s Hang Out’ ordeal. Overwhelmed by the concept.... he was quick to respond. Later that night, it was time to meet up with his Lover... he waited for about 2 hours before he gave up on waiting, and went home. It turns out, his lover stood him up. When he got home that night, he went straight to sleep... disappointed, depressed, angry. The next day, he called up his lover, and confronted him about it... and everything else. As always, his lover had nothing but “excuses”. Knowing that he was vulnerable, and in love... he accepted the excuses as reasonable rationality. After a year has passed, the relationship STILL hasn’t gone anywhere. There came a time when his lover, once again, brought up the whole “Let’s Hang Out” bullshit, but this time.... it was to be at his lover’s house, for 2 weeks. So, he felt highly confident, and accepted the invitation. When the day came that he would head out and go to his lover’s house, he was nowhere to be found. He couldn’t get in touch with him AT ALL. He tried calling but it seemed he wasn’t home. Angry... Disappointed... Depressed, he found himself in a loophole, back in the same situation he tried so hard to walk away from. He didn’t want to speak to his lover... and still doesn’t. He’s debating whether or not he should continue to live within this repetition, or move on. He came to the terms, and decided he HAS to move on.

Sometimes in Life... we find ourselves back to the one thing we need to get away from, and of course we’re going to be disappointed. What happens when you’ve tried to move on several times before, but found yourself running in circles... and back to that one compelling thing you’ve been hurting to get the fuck away from? Nothing. Except more disappointment, depression, and anger. I’m not going to go through with this for another year... possibly even more than a year this time. I’m moving on. I’ve been convinced lately, that he and I aren’t meant to be after all. I can’t be in a relationship where it’s just communication and emotions. I need more than that... I can’t settle for less, for subtleties. In a way, throughout this whole experience... I’ve learned so much about him, especially last week. I’ve learned that he’s some kind of sadist, who takes advantage of my weaknesses to lure me in, and push me away.... just so he can feel empowered by the ordeal. I’m not going to be a fool anymore... I’m not going to be his fool anymore. When it comes to happiness... why settle for less?

“Running Away”

In life, we’re all bounded by choices. We choose to eat, we choose to sleep, we choose to work, we choose to help, we choose to take a shower, we choose to take a piss or a shit, we choose to live, we choose to die, we choose to love. But when you think about it, we don’t really make these choices. It seems as if we’re all programmed by Nature to do what we all do, as a daily basis. What happens when we come across a new kind of choice that we don’t know of? What happens when we don’t understand the choice? Sometimes it takes understanding of the purpose(s) of the choices we make, in order to make them. So, what happens when we can’t find that ‘Purpose’? We make the wrong choice(s). Sometimes in life we make wrong choices, wrong decisions.... and we’re said to learn from them. But if that were true, how come we still seem to have the ‘bind effect’ when we find ourselves stuck in a rut, in the matter of debating certain decisions based on choices? Once again.... we make the wrong choice. We all need to understand why we make the choices, or what brings us to having to make them. It seems as if we’re programmed to do everything else BUT make the right choices. Everything DOES happen for a reason..... And that’s why we learn from our mistakes. I found myself rather tied down the other day.... I’ve fallen back in love with my ex, and everything seemed to be working out perfectly until my OTHER ex contacts me.... and romances me. And that’s when I panicked. I had mixed emotions coming right after me from all sides, they came, they left, I chased them down, they knocked me down.... it was subtle. I couldn’t decide whether it was the fact that I still had feelings for him, or the fact that I’d be deceiving my lover by keeping this from him. I’m not sure whether I should, or shouldn’t keep this from him. Its bad enough we’ve been through a loophole with issues, and now everything was great until this happened. I find myself in a predicament. My heart tells me I should stay with my current lover, but my mind tells me I should get back with my ex. And you know what they say...... Mind over Matter. I can’t really explain how I feel, I mean.... I almost blacked out from all the confusion and mixed emotions, but, I can assure you.... IT FUCKING SUCKS. It’s as if no matter how hard I try, I seem to get stuck either way. When it comes to making a choice......... should you trust your heart or your mind?