My So-Called Love Life

This site -- my anthology -- is the story of a man, a young man, trying to find his way to love. Experiencing everything in between and serving you his heart on a silver-freaking-platter to the naked eye, for the whole world to see; relate, indulge, delve, and hopefully learn from his mistakes. Happy Dating! Copyright © 2004-2011, "My So-Called Love Life" ® Mario Ion. All Rights Reserved.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Question ? Mark

There's no one watching.
It's just us. Him. Me.
The world is unimportant.
The world doesn't exist...
When there's us.
But no one's watching....

The question remains; 'What the fuck am I doing?'. It lingers. Sucks at me from the inside, knifes at me from the out. The subtleties that make otherwise decent human beings into psychopaths.
Neither of us know who we are. What we want. He has his life. I have mine. We've convoluted. But now what?
I'm not too sure of who I am because when I'm with him, there are several of me.
I'm me. I'm him. I'm who I want me to be. I'm who he may want me to be. I'm funny. I'm serious. I'm emotional. I'm numb. I'm sad. I'm happy. I'm ecstatic. I'm exhausted. I'm thrilled. I'm stressed...

but no one's watching.

It's this constant battle between knowing what you want, but not being able to have it.
Knowing what to expect, but not knowing the outcome.
Knowing how you feel, having to hide how you feel.

We exchanged "I love you" last night. This -- coming from a man who is completely new to the Gay lifestyle, whom has an image to uphold to his apprentices. A girlfriend of a Year and a Half. The strict, Catholic-Italian family. The oversexed hetero Friends -- to another man.

What am I doing?