Turning The Page

Each relationship in one's life serves as a stepping stone to lessons learned, obstacles triumphed, existentence prevailing. But the ultimate test in a relationship isn't in fact the ability to communicate and articulate, but rather the limit to each individual's devotion, and testing the wills.

I must have been a sucker; thinking for nearly 4 years that he and I were destined in some time that wasn't precisely the present, but rather (hopefully) soon. Love never hit me as hard before. It used to just pass my by, barely grazing me but getting close enough to entice me to the idea, albeit feeble or not. I was always just on the precipice of something greater, willingly looking down at the peak at which I'd bask in the benevolance of this unfortunate love-high. They never really warn you not to get too close to the edge, though... Or you'll fall.

Much like relationships, seasons come and go just as easily; as time flows almost seamlessly. This season marks my move back to the promiseland that is Kansas City, particularly next week. To say that I am not excited to the point that I could almost puke, would be a grand understatement. I haven't seen my two bestest friends in ages, some 3-4 years rather, and I've been lost and miserable without them. It's kind of hard to make friends in other places when you've made quite frankly the best of friends you can make in two others. It's pointless to say I didn't try to, because I have tried befriending people... But it's just not the same. The whole process is a drag; getting to know them, accustoming yourself to their standards, knowing their ins and outs, and just getting them, and vice versa. It takes months, sometimes years to form that solid, nearly unbreakable bond with whom would no sooner become the most important person(s) in your life. I got a lucky break with my two. It was almost synergy from the start.

I'd be a liar if I withheld the sore truth that my venture back to where I consider home wasn't tinged with the notion that, it wouldn't just mark my reunion with my best friends, but somehow that 4 years of interloping foreplay with almost no end would finally become a reality with whom I thought might just be my soulmate. Colour me selfish, but I guess I wanted to have my cake and eat it, too. That is, of course, until he decided to tell me tonight that he'd met someone else.

Earthshattering doesn't cut it. And even now my heart still lingers in my throat suffocatingly. 4 years of battling the roughest of demons, soul-searching, improving ones self, planning this vision of a life to share with this person incessantly, just float on by into nothing at the arms of some stranger he'd only just met.

Life is full of surprises. Just when you think you'd figured it all out, WHAM! It pulls the rug from under you, tumbling you back to Square One. But as Ghandi once said; "Whatever you do in life will be insignificant, but it’s very important that you do it. Because nobody else will. Like when someone comes into your life and half of you says you’re nowhere near ready, but the other half says: make him yours forever." I aimed for forever. I guess it wasn't an option... But I see now more clearly than ever. I see that I am capable of abstaining and preserving my spiritual essence in the name of love. I see that I am capable of devotion with no end. I see now that I CAN love and exceed the limit of devotion the average human barely even touches. My heart may be shattered now, but I know now that my journey wasn't meant for that just yet. This is a journey for my self, and to reconnect with those who've really been there from the start.

I may hate you now, but I will more than likely thank you later; because at the end of the day, you showed me exactly who I wanted to be and exactly who I don't want to become.